Chemical Pregnancy

So here I am again writing another sad blog. I long to one day be able to write a post which has a happier ending.

So the last few weeks, well months, have yet again been turbulent....lots of ups and downs, lots of hope, lots of fear and anxiety. How long do we do this to ourselves for?? How much of this can we take? The emotional turmoil of it all, is intense, its horrific, it puts life on standstill, its all we talk about, think about, its become our life. Not just me but DH too, in fact DH in particular, its so awful to watch his heart break time after time. He's the most generous, sensitive and giving not just man but human being I know. How is that fair? How is it fair that someone that warm and gentle is not able to become a Father?? Its just so cruel, the world is just so cruel! And not to mention the physical element of it for me, the destruction I am putting my body through, and for no positive outcome.

So whats been happening??? Well after the loss of MB our world got turned upside down, we havent recovered, nor do I think we ever will. The pain we now carry is sometimes unbearable. However we still soldiered on. We decided to go for another round of FET using the same Spanish protocol we used which worked for MB, well up until 6weeks gestation, but still we GOT pregnant, at least we know we CAN get pregnant right?! Well thats the tiniest bit of hope and positivity we took from that experience.

We had to wait until the end of September to begin the protocol due to the clinic being busy. So off we went, I started taking 4 estratidol pills a day along with 2 patches on my arse! And so began the dates with the dildo cams. My first attempt with the Spanish protocol was fantastic, we didn't even get to the second month as the first month I had a surprising womb lining of 9mm! So we went for it and had success. So again we had that glimmer of hope, but it wasn't to be this cycle, my lining reached 6.9mm so they decided to continue with the protocol as it should be and complete the second month. This entailed keeping the drugs the same but also added in Pentoxyfilline and Vitamin E. Now Penoxyfilline really is not pleasant, just google the side effects! I of course experienced many! So we continued and had weekly dates with the dildo cam, only to find at the end of it my lining only reached 6.4mm. We were then left to sit in the waiting room for an agonising hour, so much running through our heads. We knew that the consultant has never wanted to transfer with a lining less than 8. So what will they do now?? The ever familiar 'abandon the cycle' and re try at a later date? Though where/when/what as we'd also had news earlier in the week the clinic was closing! Or will they just go ahead? But if they do that is our chance of success now really low with a crap lining? This would also be our second and last NHS funded transfer.....and so we waited. We finally got called in by the nurse, who had spoken with the consultant, though he obviously didn't feel it necessary to have a proper discussion with us! She TOLD us we would still go ahead, she was very rushed and frantic and gave us little opportunity to discuss things, or even be apart of the decision. We were however somewhat pleased, at least the last 2 months hadn't been for nothing....at least we get to try...right?
Though part of me can't help feel that if the clinic wasn't closing, we may have been given more of an option. We then had the agonising week of awaiting the call from the embryologist each day. Day 1 I was in a meeting and couldn't answer my phone, throughout the meeting I had 2 missed calls and a voicemail, then a missed call from DH. I was in panic mode, whats happened?? Have they all died?? That was the longest meeting of my life!! They had spoken with DH as 2 were looking good, but 1 had popped out its shell and another very slow, so decided to take another out. By the time day 5 came we had 2 top graded blastocysts. We had discussed the possibility of two the previous week and concluded that we wouldn't do it. All along they had also warned it would be dangerous for me, and thinking about it sensibly twins would be financially difficult. However on the morning of the transfer during our 5 min journey to the clinic, we actually got a little bit excited about the prospect. On the day of the transfer the embryologist was absolutely fantastic. She showed great compassion and empathy with us, and actually explained things in great depth, giving us lots of information to actually make an informed decision and that the decision was ours. She even informed us that actually the quality of the embryo is far more important than womb lining. So we got a bit excited and though Fuck it!! Lets put 2 in!! If this was successful theres no way we're going through it again, and don't really want an only child, so fuck it, we went for 2!!!

I took some time off work, thankfully I have a very supportive manager and team which took the pressure off. I chilled, binged on netflix, took some short walks with the dog, enjoyed time with friends visiting, and did some online Christmas shopping. DH took care of the housework, the cooking etc, so I was able to really relax. I did the pineapple thing for 5 days, had 5 brazil nuts a day, took all my vitamins, kept my feet warm etc. The night of the transfer and the following day, I felt physically awful, extreme fatigue, a migraine, and not just nausea but retching! I also had some intense cramping. The following days, my boobs got more sore, and had all the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy as I did last time, in fact they were even more intense. Signs of twins we hoped! I even had some spotting, not red blood, but brown, and very minimal, again a good sign?! On 7dp5dt I decided I couldn't wait and did a test, however it was negative, but thats OK I thought as its of course too soon. 9dp5dt I did another, it was faint but a definite positive! WAHOO!!!! Thank goodness Im pregnant I thought. DH was very calm and reserved, not wanting to be too hopeful just yet. Day 10 and 11 tests again were there but they didn't get darker as we'd expected in fact it was lighter. WTF?!? How can this be?? Last time with MB I hadn't even finished peeing and the line was there at day 10! Well perhaps it could still be that its too early, and HCG levels just fluctuating a little?? So we bought a digital. On 12dp5dt OTD I did the digital, a clear blue and a first response, 'not pregnant' I hate those tests! Its just so harsh! The clear blue and FR again had very very faint lines, but this time hardly noticeable. I rang the clinic, I asked for a blood test but was told it was too early and to do another test tomorrow! WTF?! Another Fucking day of turmoil!! We cried, both took the day off sick. By the afternoon we decided we needed to think positively and be hopeful, we had a nice walk to see the sea, and chatted hopefully. I even did some positive affirmations and visualisation in the evening. The next morning came, this time, NOTHING, nothing at all, I did 2 tests and not even a smidge of a line :( I called the clinic, this time spoke to the lovely nurse we had through MB, who straight away offered a blood test. So off we went to the clinic, walking through the maternity entrance, passing the obese pregnant woman smoking! Grrrr! Blood drawn, and another few hours to wait......BHCG came back as 2! That was it, it was confirmed, most definitely not pregnant, and most likely a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical pregnancies are so fucking cruel, the symptoms and the hope of something positive, only to end so very soon :(

So what now?? What are our next steps?? Well there are so many questions, thoughts, possibilities and the answer is we're really not sure!!  So the options are:

Option 1)
A self-funded cycle, however our financial position is not great so this will mean some saving, and putting home improvement plans on hold, along with visiting close family in Australia and the USA. And will most probably get us in to debt, which then could be financially difficult when on mat leave if its successful. We also need to do a lot of research at some potential clinics, we briefly looked into it last year, and found a few we were quite keen on, but nothing definitive.
We'd be very grateful for advice from anyone who has good/bad experiences with clinics.

Option 2)
Adoption, though if we do option 1 first this will delay adoption as you have to be clear treatment for 6-12 months, you also have to not be TTC, if we got in to debt via option 1 this could also be a problem. Adoption also brings its own new world of emotional turmoil, and is certainly not an easy path, but could be a very positive one, and not quite sure we're ready to give up on a biological child yet?

Option 3)
We give up completely, and just be that couple that has fun holidays and nice things, we would never use contraception, and forever hope that we might 'get caught.'

The only firm decision we have made is that we WILL be going on holiday in Feb for our 10 year anniversary and won't be actioning anything before then. And don't think option 3 is really an option.....

MB, our BFP too beautiful for this world

I started off this blog detailing the past few weeks, the ups and downs and how we got to FET, but thats not what I want to discuss right now, that story will come next, I appreciate it has been a while since Ive blogged so if you've followed my journey there is a massive gap, but long and short of the story is we finally got there, we finally did it, my lining finally got thick enough for FET, and to our biggest surprise we had a BFP!!!

That morning of the BFP, that overwhelming feeling of happiness, disbelief and shock was just incredible, we both cried, I couldn't breath, we were just so so happy and so so shocked!! We just couldn't believe our luck, our very first transfer and it stuck?! WTF?! This never happens to us, its never that straight forward.......

However if I'm truly honest, something was very different right from that very moment of having 'MB' (we even named it) implanted. We were just so positive so hopeful, we talked to MB, we bonded with MB, right before we even knew MB was going to stick. We had the photo they give you stuck on the fridge (I still haven't removed it, I can't......) and DH would kiss it every morning (I think he still does). I pretty much knew right away it had worked, I felt so different, we both had such a positive attitude (lot of fucking good that did!) and dreamt and believed it worked. Straight after the transfer, we bought and ate mcdonald's fries, we went and bought a plant, we then went out for a nutritious lunch then had a relaxing afternoon in bed watching TV, it was a perfect day. The following day I started cramping, so much pain I needed to take painkillers, DH cooked a pulled pork chilli, the smell of the pork was unreal, I felt so nauseated by it, right then I knew, I knew MB had stuck. The days passed and whilst the wait to test was agonising, it also kind of wasn't as I just knew, my boobs were sore, I was nauseated, exhausted. I had such a lovely relaxing time, I took time off work and just did 'nice' things, I shopped, ate cake and spent time with friends. Then at 10dp5dt I did the test!

Those next 2 weeks were just magic. Im so glad we got the BFP, I think it would have been even more devastating to have had a BFN and to have to start again, at least we know my lining can get thick enough and at least we know I CAN get pregnant! And to have those 2 weeks of dreaming, of working out my due date, of planning our nursery, planning our shared mat leave, looking at baby stuff, wandering, wishing, and hoping what MB would be like, sharing the good news and excitement with our friends and family, they have just been the best 2 weeks of our lives! It really was magic, and Im so glad we got to have that. But to go from that, those feelings of being pregnant, the nausea, the cravings, the smells, the huge painful boobs, the bloat, those awful but also magical feelings to this feeling of intense pain and heart ache. Heart ache really is a true physical pain, I have a stabbing in my chest, and a burn in my belly. I so miss that feeling of being pregnant, its crazy how quickly those feelings go, and are replaced with the contractions of passing a miscarriage, the nausea of heartache, the exhaustion of the constant crying. The pain is just unreal. Its 2 o clock in the afternoon and I can't even face getting dressed or showered, let alone leaving the house! What I will say though is I am overwhelmed by the love and support from our friends and family, our house is filling up with flowers/cards/gifts, it hasn't just affected us its affected those around us too. People say you shouldn't tell people until your 12 weeks, we told people almost straight away and Im so glad we did, as much as I don't really want to see people right now, I don't want to face the world, the love that is surrounding us is unreal. One friend has brought us a beautiful rose, we will plant it in the garden and have a memorial to MB, MB may have only been 6wks+3 but MB will stay in our hearts forever. MB has changed us, changed us dramatically. We love MB more than we could have ever envisaged which is why we hurt so much, and whilst this pain is unbearable and MB was only hear for a short while, as my sister says 'MB is needed elsewhere' 'MB is too beautiful for this world.'

MB I felt you leave my body, I held you in my hand, I loved you before I even felt you, and me and Daddy will love you forever and always, and will forever carry the pain of losing you XXXXXXXXX

A ranty blog about Natural FET

So here we are again, on another cycle....another simpler cycle...a more straight forward cycle....yeah fucking right!!!!

So we're attempting a 'natural' FET. Ive had just over a year now with absolutely no fertility drugs in my system. Its been a great year! And its made me realise how consumed I was by the whole fertility bullshit and how much the drugs were fucking me up! Hence why we've really pushed for a 'natural' FET. I've also switched my job in the past year, and am in a much more fulfilling role, I have a lot more responsibility and a lot more pressure, but Im surrounded by much nicer and better people and have a much more human boss! So whilst its more demanding and quite stressful its more manageable and makes me happier which in turn affects the fertility crap.

So anyway on to this cycle and how we led up to it. So over the past year I really have 'relaxed' Ive had a lot of fun, but also have looked after myself Ive ate well, exercised etc, and mentally felt like I was in a much better place. Ive also been doing homeopathy, and I really think that has also helped, it has helped me deal with the situation with my mother better, I still hate how ill she is and how she'll never be able to be a mother to me, but Im much more tolerant and more able to see the situation for what it is. Though i did break down today after speaking to her, as I just 'wanted my mum' I wanted to tell her how shit things are, and her to tell me it would be 'OK' you know like most people do...like most people probably take for granted...picking up the phone to your mum telling her you'd had a bad day, or better yet going around for a cuppa and a hug....well I can't do that..and it breaks my heart that I can't!! :(

Anyway Im digressing....so the homeopathy has really helped me emotionally, but also has helped me have more regular cycles they're still very long, ranging from 35-45 days but still they're there! And I even experienced PMT for the first time, and also having pretty much a river somedays of cerival mucus!! Now wtf is that all about?! Who'd have thought Id be happy at some days having a little puddle in my panties!! I never thought I had an issue there, I've never had dryness during sex or anything, or at least I didn't think I did, but my goodness now I certainly don't have an issue!!! Sorry TMI!!!!! But something that is important fertility wise, which Id underestimated!
Anyways also along with the homeopathy Im taking a herbal remedy called angus castus, it was recommended to me by my boss who also has PCOS who swears it helped her conceive, though the warning label states not to take if TTC or pregnant! But theres lots of evidence to suggest it can actually be helpful and even help with thickening womb lining, which as you know is one of my biggest problems. Im also taking a multivitimin called 'proceive' which also contains inositol, which also is great for PCOS and fertility....so I really am trying!! Therefore I really wanted to see what would happen for me in a natural cycle, as that has never really been truly tried. The clinic have tried to fob me off stating they tried it last Jan, however that was straight after 2 rounds of drugs and they didn't take into account my natural cycle, so Im not counting that! So the clinic are very unhopeful that a natural cycle will work for me, they're pretty adamant that I need drugs.....Ive been so hopeful and positive leading up to this, so has DH, and I really don't trust this clinic and their protocols, they're very old school, have a pretty crappy success rate, and just aren't very willing to deviate off protocol despite evidence. So its very frustrating! But our finances are quite poor, we have no savings and a fair bit of dept from living quite freely in our 20s, house expenses, uni degree etc and the bank of mum and dad unfortunately does not exist for us, so it would be a case of getting a loan if we got accepted if we went private. Logisitcally its also difficult, our closest decent clinic is 2 hours each way, so would mean taking time off work for each appt. Both our bosses are very understanding, but its not ideal. So it really does make financial and logistic sense to stick with our current clinic, as we have not yet made it to transfer, we still have 2 attempts left, so we would be silly not to take them, especially with a natural cycle, however we are concerned at what the cost might be to my health if we go for a medicated cycle with them...

But anyway lets not get to far ahead and talk about this current cycle. So I am currently on day 24, for most normal people that would mean AF would be looming! However that is not the case for me. I had my first scan at 10 days, had a womb lining of 4.6mm but no dominant follicle. Well thats kind of OK as was not expecting it yet as knew it would probably be far too early for me. However what we weren't expecting was the poor attitude of the sonographer and the nurse at the clinic!! The sonographer was about 45 mins late which is very normal for her! And just rude throughout! Absolutely no dignity or even humanity! Then the nurse...well she's a lot to be desired! Her first comment 'well you're not doing much are you!?!' in an abrupt sarcastic tone! She also said it was highly unlikely that this would work and would prob need drugs, we had to push for her to agree to rescan us. So that they did, at day 18 this time, a much nicer sonographer this time, much more thorough, though a lot less comfortable! However again no dominant follicle but womb lining had grown to 5.5mm, so 'not negative but not positive' as the rude nurse told us, and she apologised that we would need to come back for another scan, 'but it is what we want' she told us with a sarcastic undertone. So that third scan was today, we both went in feeling quite positive again, I was almost certain that there would be a dominant follicle this time, as around about this time is when I think I probably ovulate, just from tracking my symptoms myself. However we got in there and NOPE!!! Still no fucking dominant follicle and the worst bit my womb lining has actually reduced!! Im now at fucking 5mm!!! WTF?!?! My eyes filled with tears whilst we awaited the nurse to tell us that she would need to speak with the consultant to advise the next step, she was actually nice to us today, thats generally not a good sign! So off we went, feeling pissed off and fed up and awaited the dreaded phonecall.......well a different nurse called and to our disbelief they have agreed to scan me one more time, this time in a further 10 days...so this will be make or break.....

SO I guess its not all bad, its not quite game over yet, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take...we'd forgotten the heart ache, we'd forgotten the 'building ourselves up, being positive' to then go in there and having it all knocked out of you in a heartbeat. Why is it not straight forward?? Why is it so hard?? We seem to have acquired several infertile friends, I love them all to bits, and we have all been a great support for each other, but none of them seem to have been as complicated and getting nowhere fast than us, in fact all have them have had transfers and gone right through a cycle, not all had BFPs but at least they have had the opportunity. Not that I want any of them to experience what we have of course I don't, and some of them have been through awful experiences, but I just wish we could at least get to the point of transfer!

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.....

Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

Another Year, Dare we Hope??

And so it is 2018!

Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.

I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'

That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.

I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!

So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.

So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'

Whats the Point?!?!

Whats the point?!?! Eh.....what is the fucking point!!!

That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!

It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!

Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.

Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.

So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!

In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???

An Incredibly Tough Week

So this past week has not gone entirely as one would hope......and considering currently I should be trying to relax, and under as little stress as possible....well......that hasn't really gone to plan!

So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!

So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.

I chose option 2.

I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!

The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!

So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.

The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;

'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'

At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;

But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!

Well lets await the next scan and see..............

NFAW and a Podcast!

So this week it is 'National Fertility Awareness Week' or 'NFAW' here in the UK.

It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.

This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.

In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!

A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!

Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!

There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.

Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;

http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/

and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.

So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!

So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its'  another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!

A bit of normality.....

So its now a week since we had our FET cycle cancelled.

I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??

So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!

So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.

Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!

Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!

I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.

So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.

So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!

Does being positive actually get you anywhere????

So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.

Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.

So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........

D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.

I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.

So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!

And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.

I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....

How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.

I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.

More Waiting....

So 5 days later and another scan.....

So this time it was a much more pleasant experience, well I'm not sure pleasant is the right word, I don't think someone shoving something up your foo, in a non romantic way is ever really pleasant! But none the less, it was much less awful! And that was because it was a different sonographer, whoop whoop!!! And my goodness what a difference! She stood behind the curtain to allow me to get undressed in private, she checked my D.O.B, she showed interest when I was telling her about all the interesting things I've been eating, and what a difference it makes just to be met by a smile and some dignity, it may seem small, but actually to the patient, it makes a huge difference. A lot of my anxiety lately have been surrounding clinic appointments and the awful staff we sometimes come across. Speaking of things I have been eating, last week following off loading on my blog post, I went raging down to sainsbury's, with the mentality of 'fuck you nurse, bloody well tell me there is nothing I can do to help thicken my lining' well this is what I came back with......

So at least no one can say I didn't try!! Ive also been using some of the recipes from the Emma Cannon book 'Fertile' Ive only briefly looked at it so far, but what I have seen and cooked has been delicious! Im also planning on spending some time this eve/tomorrow (depending on how I feel) batch cooking a load of soups, was hoping it would be for the 2ww but.....

This mornings appointment wasn't all good news, I went in with high hopes today, I have been resting, eating right (see above pic), using warm compress etc, but nope! Thats still not enough! My effing body really does like to play games! However its not terrible, my lining is 6mm at its biggest some areas are 5.5mm, so no transfer this week :( FET was originally planned for Wed. Today we were told this by a nice young nurse, who actually showed some compassion and concern at how emotional I have been, though she gave me reassurance that it is all normal with buserelin, unfortunately I seem to be very sensitive to the side effects, so we were sent home to await a call following a discussion with the consultant.

We left the hospital, D went back to work, I went to see my Mum, who surprisingly was actually quite supportive and concerned by the situation, I then went to see my Gran who I expected to be more supportive than my mum, but to my surprise really didn't seem to understand the situation, she did express her concern for me, but this was more towards the end of the visit, after spending about 30 mins of hearing her bitch about my mum! This has been a constant battle for years, my Gran is awesome, she really is an incredible lady who has been through some horrific times, but she seriously does not understand mental illness, and is really not understanding of my mum (her daughter) its a vicious cycle and a complex situation, so I shall not bore with the details on the blog, it is just another one of those situations which makes the whole infertility bullshit even harder to deal with.

Throughout both visits I had in the back of my head, what will they do now?? Will they continue maybe increase the oestrogen??? Or will they abandon??? Each time I come away still not knowing, forgetting to ask, what happens? what is the protocol???? Will they just keep going?? Keep pushing until my lining is thick enough??? Or is it like when they go for EC, and when not responding, they abandon??? Again no one has told us.....no surprises there!!

However, whilst at my Grans I received a phonecall.........and.........PHEW!!!! They are not going to abandon, I had to go back to the clinic to get some oestrogen patches, to use in addition to the pills and buserelin, and then return to the clinic on Friday for a scan, so again.......

..... WE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

Preparing for FET

So here we go again!!!!!

This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!

So whats been going on since the last blog.....

Well quite a lot!

My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.

In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.

Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!

So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!

On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.

So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.

Nervously Excited

So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......

......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!

Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!

And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.

So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one,  I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O

Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.



My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.

This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.

Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!

So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!

I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!

Third Time Lucky!

So I am terrible at this whole blogging thing!!! Its been 2 months!! Ooops!!

Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)

I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot!  And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!

The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.

So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!

I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!

A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!

So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.

So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!