Chemical Pregnancy

So here I am again writing another sad blog. I long to one day be able to write a post which has a happier ending.

So the last few weeks, well months, have yet again been turbulent....lots of ups and downs, lots of hope, lots of fear and anxiety. How long do we do this to ourselves for?? How much of this can we take? The emotional turmoil of it all, is intense, its horrific, it puts life on standstill, its all we talk about, think about, its become our life. Not just me but DH too, in fact DH in particular, its so awful to watch his heart break time after time. He's the most generous, sensitive and giving not just man but human being I know. How is that fair? How is it fair that someone that warm and gentle is not able to become a Father?? Its just so cruel, the world is just so cruel! And not to mention the physical element of it for me, the destruction I am putting my body through, and for no positive outcome.

So whats been happening??? Well after the loss of MB our world got turned upside down, we havent recovered, nor do I think we ever will. The pain we now carry is sometimes unbearable. However we still soldiered on. We decided to go for another round of FET using the same Spanish protocol we used which worked for MB, well up until 6weeks gestation, but still we GOT pregnant, at least we know we CAN get pregnant right?! Well thats the tiniest bit of hope and positivity we took from that experience.

We had to wait until the end of September to begin the protocol due to the clinic being busy. So off we went, I started taking 4 estratidol pills a day along with 2 patches on my arse! And so began the dates with the dildo cams. My first attempt with the Spanish protocol was fantastic, we didn't even get to the second month as the first month I had a surprising womb lining of 9mm! So we went for it and had success. So again we had that glimmer of hope, but it wasn't to be this cycle, my lining reached 6.9mm so they decided to continue with the protocol as it should be and complete the second month. This entailed keeping the drugs the same but also added in Pentoxyfilline and Vitamin E. Now Penoxyfilline really is not pleasant, just google the side effects! I of course experienced many! So we continued and had weekly dates with the dildo cam, only to find at the end of it my lining only reached 6.4mm. We were then left to sit in the waiting room for an agonising hour, so much running through our heads. We knew that the consultant has never wanted to transfer with a lining less than 8. So what will they do now?? The ever familiar 'abandon the cycle' and re try at a later date? Though where/when/what as we'd also had news earlier in the week the clinic was closing! Or will they just go ahead? But if they do that is our chance of success now really low with a crap lining? This would also be our second and last NHS funded transfer.....and so we waited. We finally got called in by the nurse, who had spoken with the consultant, though he obviously didn't feel it necessary to have a proper discussion with us! She TOLD us we would still go ahead, she was very rushed and frantic and gave us little opportunity to discuss things, or even be apart of the decision. We were however somewhat pleased, at least the last 2 months hadn't been for nothing....at least we get to try...right?
Though part of me can't help feel that if the clinic wasn't closing, we may have been given more of an option. We then had the agonising week of awaiting the call from the embryologist each day. Day 1 I was in a meeting and couldn't answer my phone, throughout the meeting I had 2 missed calls and a voicemail, then a missed call from DH. I was in panic mode, whats happened?? Have they all died?? That was the longest meeting of my life!! They had spoken with DH as 2 were looking good, but 1 had popped out its shell and another very slow, so decided to take another out. By the time day 5 came we had 2 top graded blastocysts. We had discussed the possibility of two the previous week and concluded that we wouldn't do it. All along they had also warned it would be dangerous for me, and thinking about it sensibly twins would be financially difficult. However on the morning of the transfer during our 5 min journey to the clinic, we actually got a little bit excited about the prospect. On the day of the transfer the embryologist was absolutely fantastic. She showed great compassion and empathy with us, and actually explained things in great depth, giving us lots of information to actually make an informed decision and that the decision was ours. She even informed us that actually the quality of the embryo is far more important than womb lining. So we got a bit excited and though Fuck it!! Lets put 2 in!! If this was successful theres no way we're going through it again, and don't really want an only child, so fuck it, we went for 2!!!

I took some time off work, thankfully I have a very supportive manager and team which took the pressure off. I chilled, binged on netflix, took some short walks with the dog, enjoyed time with friends visiting, and did some online Christmas shopping. DH took care of the housework, the cooking etc, so I was able to really relax. I did the pineapple thing for 5 days, had 5 brazil nuts a day, took all my vitamins, kept my feet warm etc. The night of the transfer and the following day, I felt physically awful, extreme fatigue, a migraine, and not just nausea but retching! I also had some intense cramping. The following days, my boobs got more sore, and had all the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy as I did last time, in fact they were even more intense. Signs of twins we hoped! I even had some spotting, not red blood, but brown, and very minimal, again a good sign?! On 7dp5dt I decided I couldn't wait and did a test, however it was negative, but thats OK I thought as its of course too soon. 9dp5dt I did another, it was faint but a definite positive! WAHOO!!!! Thank goodness Im pregnant I thought. DH was very calm and reserved, not wanting to be too hopeful just yet. Day 10 and 11 tests again were there but they didn't get darker as we'd expected in fact it was lighter. WTF?!? How can this be?? Last time with MB I hadn't even finished peeing and the line was there at day 10! Well perhaps it could still be that its too early, and HCG levels just fluctuating a little?? So we bought a digital. On 12dp5dt OTD I did the digital, a clear blue and a first response, 'not pregnant' I hate those tests! Its just so harsh! The clear blue and FR again had very very faint lines, but this time hardly noticeable. I rang the clinic, I asked for a blood test but was told it was too early and to do another test tomorrow! WTF?! Another Fucking day of turmoil!! We cried, both took the day off sick. By the afternoon we decided we needed to think positively and be hopeful, we had a nice walk to see the sea, and chatted hopefully. I even did some positive affirmations and visualisation in the evening. The next morning came, this time, NOTHING, nothing at all, I did 2 tests and not even a smidge of a line :( I called the clinic, this time spoke to the lovely nurse we had through MB, who straight away offered a blood test. So off we went to the clinic, walking through the maternity entrance, passing the obese pregnant woman smoking! Grrrr! Blood drawn, and another few hours to wait......BHCG came back as 2! That was it, it was confirmed, most definitely not pregnant, and most likely a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical pregnancies are so fucking cruel, the symptoms and the hope of something positive, only to end so very soon :(

So what now?? What are our next steps?? Well there are so many questions, thoughts, possibilities and the answer is we're really not sure!!  So the options are:

Option 1)
A self-funded cycle, however our financial position is not great so this will mean some saving, and putting home improvement plans on hold, along with visiting close family in Australia and the USA. And will most probably get us in to debt, which then could be financially difficult when on mat leave if its successful. We also need to do a lot of research at some potential clinics, we briefly looked into it last year, and found a few we were quite keen on, but nothing definitive.
We'd be very grateful for advice from anyone who has good/bad experiences with clinics.

Option 2)
Adoption, though if we do option 1 first this will delay adoption as you have to be clear treatment for 6-12 months, you also have to not be TTC, if we got in to debt via option 1 this could also be a problem. Adoption also brings its own new world of emotional turmoil, and is certainly not an easy path, but could be a very positive one, and not quite sure we're ready to give up on a biological child yet?

Option 3)
We give up completely, and just be that couple that has fun holidays and nice things, we would never use contraception, and forever hope that we might 'get caught.'

The only firm decision we have made is that we WILL be going on holiday in Feb for our 10 year anniversary and won't be actioning anything before then. And don't think option 3 is really an option.....

I went to see a Homeopath!!!

Well there are a few updates to be had! Lots been going on! Most reasonably positive. Life has been very busy these past few months, a blessing and a curse. I really don't know where this year has gone! Its great in one way as theres been so much to think about other than the infertility shite! Some good, such as starting my new job, its been stressful, and have soooooo much responsibility, but I get to work from home a lot and have a really supportive lovely boss. The environment is much healthier too, much more professional and incredibly less toxic compared to my previous workplace. It has taken leaving my previous place to make me realise that in fact it wasn't me being too oversensitive at all, it was an awful place, a toxic environment and detrimental to my mental wellbeing! I didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much it was impacting on me until I left. Theres also lots been going on with my mum, she's had some ups and downs, and me and my sister now have an LPA for her, which means even more responsibility for us! So things have been busy, and like I said time has just flown by, but it makes me said that we're still no where close to having the family we so desire :( And really sad that I don't have the support of my mum or any parent for that matter.

So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........

SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked,  that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!

She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???

So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.

So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!

We're having 2 Kids?!?!

So its been a crazy few weeks!

Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'

So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!

So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.

So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.

So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!

So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................

Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

Another Year, Dare we Hope??

And so it is 2018!

Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.

I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'

That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.

I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!

So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.

So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'

Picked up and dropped again!!

So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.

So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.

Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!

I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.

I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.

Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!

So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.

I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??

I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x

FET cycle #2 FAIL!!

So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!

So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.

So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(

I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!

Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.

This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!

I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.

Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.

So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(

A bit of normality.....

So its now a week since we had our FET cycle cancelled.

I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??

So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!

So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.

Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!

Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!

I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.

So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.

So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!

FET cycle #1 = FAIL

So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........

So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.

So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......

And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!

On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....

Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!

Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!

So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.

So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!' 

After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this??? 

Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.

So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/

I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!

A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

FET Cycle Meltdown #1

Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!

Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!

So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....

So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.

So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!

So anyway moving on.....

The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!

So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)

So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.

So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!

Preparing for FET

So here we go again!!!!!

This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!

So whats been going on since the last blog.....

Well quite a lot!

My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.

In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.

Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!

So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!

On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.

So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.

Nervously Excited

So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......

......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!

Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!

And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.

So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one,  I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O

Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.



My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.

This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.

Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!

So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!

I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!

New Year New Positivity

So it is the first day of 2017.....

It is safe to say that 2016 was pretty crap!! Well it was pretty crap not just for me but much of the world! So much crazy stuff happened, the universe was certainly out of balance!

But it wasnt all bad, there were some positives, we moved to a bigger house in a nice neighbourhood, close to work, close to friends and family etc. Had some lovely breaks away, lots of nice trips with friends etc.

Im not sure what it is, whats happened or why, but all of a sudden I can see some light, I feel more myself and more able to think positively. I havent cried for 2 days now!! Seems silly but thats a huge achievement compared to lately! My smile feels more real, though dont get me wrong the pain is still there, if I think about the last year, if I think to much about what we dont have, and what more we have to go through, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that pain in my heart, but I am more able to block it out, I am more able to think positive.

I have had a few good night shifts at work the past few days, I have actually slept! The hot flushes have lessened, and am just feeling more ME!

Maybe its that whole new year, new start thing?! Who knows! But I'm going with it! Im starting a fresh, am looking forward to acupuncture, reading my PCOS book, thinking more postively, eating more healthily and being thankful for the good things I have; my wonderful D, my amazing sister, and fantastic friends, having a job I love, a stupid labrador, and a house with so much potential.

So heres to 2017! Hopefully a better year, with a better ending!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!

Much Love xox

Merry Fucking Christmas!!

Well.....so Christmas....its come and gone!

Usually I love Christmas..but this year we didn't get what we want, we're still sitting here, childless and feeling pretty hopeless! So it was crap!

We had decided a while back that we wanted to spend Christmas just the 2 of us, but oh my did it cause issues! Surprisingly not with my family, my family actually got it! But Ds family really didn't, his mum got quite upset, and his brother has been awkward, so so awkward! But hey ho thats another story! However its been most unhelpful, especially for D, its really upset him, and its just not fair! Familys eh?!

Anyway this one still loves us, and helped put a forced smile on our faces.....

So anyway where are we now.....well nowhere, and thats just how it feels, we're fucking nowhere!!! We're in that limbo, after failing ICSI and IUI to waiting...oh that wait, thats all to familiar in the land of infertility! Though this time its different, its harder, why?! Well who knows, we couldn't tell you! Maybe its this maybe its that, theres oh so many maybes!! But I think the biggest thing is, the IUI just raised our hopes so much and then the fall was harder, so much harder. Its been several weeks now, but Im still crying most days, particularly when I wake and when I go to sleep, and the hot flushes they're still coming particularly at night, though I had the last decopeptyl (down regulator) beginning of November, so would have expected that to stop?!! And D, he's really struggling, which I think is whats hurting me the most, I cant stand to see him heartbroken, I love him so much and to see him hurting, hurts me!

However I have tried to be pro active, I have booked in for acupuncture on the 9th Jan, Ive heard good things....Ive also bought a book '8 steps to reverse your PCOS' so.....we'll see! Ive also been looking into adoption, thinking it might help, but it hasn't! I was very against the idea, I was in the camp of 'if we cant have a biological child, then we'll just be those people who have lots of holidays and dogs!' But D wasn't he had adoption on his radar, and the idea has grown on me, so needing to know my options I looked into it, but due to my asshole father and my bi-polar mother it complicates things! It will be another horrendous heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster, that right now I don't know that I can handle. But hey I'm probably getting ahead of myself, lets await the next plans from the clinic and hope that with the acupuncture ICSI might work?!

Then theres my friends, I have many, but through this journey, some have become distant, some have become closer, which is most probably down to me, I push people away, I put on my smile and people think Im fine, though some have realised Im not and have become closer, but still people don't quite get it they don't quite get me! I don't ask for help, I may subtly...you know...' do u fancy a cuppa?' 'dog walk' 'lunch' when really Im saying, HELP I need a friend! But I cant do that! Why cant I? Im the first to drop everything and go when my friends need me, but my friends often let me down, though they think they are just letting me down on 'a cuppa.'

Anyway until next time.......

ICSI Cycle #1

So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.

So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;

• both young, fit and healthy
• D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
• I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus

So in we went feeling extremely hopeful! 

My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.

I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units. 

After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation??? 

On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive. 

On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS. 

I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!

Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????

Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!

So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.

We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........

B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....

That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???

So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)

However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!

So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol! 

However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over! 

If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!