Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

Whats the Point?!?!

Whats the point?!?! Eh.....what is the fucking point!!!

That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!

It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!

Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.

Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.

So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!

In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???