Does being positive actually get you anywhere????

So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.

Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.

So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........

D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.

I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.

So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!

And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.

I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....

How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.

I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.

FET Cycle Meltdown #1

Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!

Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!

So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....

So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.

So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!

So anyway moving on.....

The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!

So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)

So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.

So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!