Can the Chiropractor fix my fertility as well as my back??

So the past few months have been up and down, but I can happily say mainly up! I think thats predominantly due to me starting my new job, I really underestimated how unhappy I was in my previous job, how awful and toxic the atmosphere there was, and how it impacted on my mental health. My new job is still stressful, but there is a very different atmosphere. I predominantly work from home, which I actually love! There are no office politics and I am free to manage my own time. The ethos of the whole company is very different, they fully support and respect their staff, my new manager is amazing too, very fair, lovely and doesn't take any shit! They seem to really see my worth too, which has really boosted my confidence, so much so they have encouraged me to go for a promotion, of which I have an interview for this week! I should currently be prepping, but I am the worlds biggest procrastinator so am blogging instead! Though blogging is helpful, almost helps with the preparation, as hopefully it will help free up some headspace to help me better concentrate. The very reason I started blogging in the first place was to be able to off load, something in which I am very bad at! You see I am an optimist, I hate negativity, and try to steer well clear of it, I am all for mindfulness, seizing the moment, reach for the stars, take a deep breath and inhale the beautiful sea air type person, which is wonderful, but sometimes not realistic, you see when you are this way, everyone expects you to always be this way, and when you aren't they just don't know what to do with you! And I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to open up, how to say I actually feel pretty crap, because thats not me, Im that person who listens to the other person feeling like that. And also being this way, means its a lot harder to fall, when reality hits and things get a bit shitty. Why am I like this??? Well fuck knows! My life certainly has not been all hearts and flowers, if you have read my previous blog posts you will know I have had a pretty terrible child hood, and have been dealt a few shitty cards in adult hood too! My life certainly is not perfect, but who's is??? There are people worse off than me!! See there I go again, thinking of others! But anyway I'd much rather be this way, yes things hurt sometimes, but they could be a lot worse, and whilst going through so much shit, really and truly fucking sucks, it does make you appreciate things more.

I am steering off track, but again if you have read my previous blogs, you know thats what I do!!! Haha! Another reason I think I have been happier these past few months is we are currently 'on a break' not 'on a break' in Ross and Rachel terms (Friends ref!!!! come on Friends is epic!!!) but on a break from treatment. And you know what, its so refreshing! It feels amazing! I never would have thought it would, Im not the most patient of people, and want things done yesterday, and always have a fear of running out of time, and getting too old, which is quite funny really, as my time management skills are pretty horrendous! Over the past almost 5 years now of TTC, Ive always been in a rush to start the next thing, the agonising wait between appointments and treatments, always felt like a lifetime, so I never would have thought that I would have chosen to have a 6 month break. Well tbh it sort of wasn't a choice, as the main reason is because Ive started my new job, so I really needed to give myself time to get to grips with it, and also it was the sensible option, as if the treatment did work and I did pregnant I wouldn't get any maternity pay until I have been with the company for 6 months, so taking a break made financial sense too. But it really has done wanders for my mental health, and physical health too, I have much more energy, I feel healthier, and its just been so nice to not constantly be thinking about infertility bullshit!

So moving on to the title of this blog post, the past few weeks I have been having worsening pain in my right hip, shoulder and ankle. Now I am someone with an incredibly high pain threshold, and often push through when others might not. I have suffered with these pains for years, but have never really got them fixed, I did have physio on my shoulder over a year ago with not much success, and the acupuncturist did help my shoulder but didn't resolve it, other than that Ive just got on with it, putting it down to my job, and old injuries I have gathered over the years. However the past few weeks it has become quite debilitating so I decided to try something new and see a chiropractor. Well it was really fascinating, the below picture shows my problem areas along with all the other parts of the body they effect....

Notice how many of the areas are relating to many of the areas of the body which have an impact on fertility! He stated that he is very confident that I will be pain free in about 3-4 weeks! This will then have a direct impact on the rest of my health, I will sleep better, feel less anxious, release less adrenaline, which will improve fertility. Also by correcting the problem areas, the nervous system connected to these areas will also improve! He stated that 9/10 women with menstrual irregularities regulate after being corrected through chiropractic practices! Pretty incredible eh?! Well lets hope this has some benefit for me, and is not yet again me 'blue sky thinking' and being too optimistic, heading yet again for another great fall!

We're having 2 Kids?!?!

So its been a crazy few weeks!

Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'

So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!

So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.

So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.

So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!

So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................

Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

Picked up and dropped again!!

So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.

So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.

Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!

I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.

I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.

Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!

So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.

I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??

I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x

Whats the Point?!?!

Whats the point?!?! Eh.....what is the fucking point!!!

That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!

It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!

Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.

Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.

So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!

In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???

FET cycle #2 FAIL!!

So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!

So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.

So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(

I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!

Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.

This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!

I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.

Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.

So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(

An Incredibly Tough Week

So this past week has not gone entirely as one would hope......and considering currently I should be trying to relax, and under as little stress as possible....well......that hasn't really gone to plan!

So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!

So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.

I chose option 2.

I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!

The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!

So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.

The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;

'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'

At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;

But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!

Well lets await the next scan and see..............