A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

FET Cycle Meltdown #1

Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!

Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!

So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....

So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.

So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!

So anyway moving on.....

The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!

So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)

So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.

So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!

ICSI Cycle #1

So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.

So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;

• both young, fit and healthy
• D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
• I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus

So in we went feeling extremely hopeful! 

My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.

I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units. 

After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation??? 

On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive. 

On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS. 

I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!

Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????

Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!

So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.

We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........

B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....

That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???

So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)

However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!

So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol! 

However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over! 

If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!

The Start of Our Infertility Jouney

So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....


So a little history.....

I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!

Well....

Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.

Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.

I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.

We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)

After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.

December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.

From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.

We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.

We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!).  The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.

Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!

So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......

October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.

The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!

The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed,  it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.

So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....

So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.

So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!

'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!

Fight Club!!!

Fight Club!!!!

Haha!!! OMG!!! Infertility so is fight club!!

I am so happy that I have found the world of infertility bloggers, bloody hell there are a lot of us! I just wish I had found it a year ago when I first started on this journey, and felt very alone!

So anyway tonight I have been reading a few blogs, and have noted a few people have likened the fertility clinic to fight club, and OMG they are so right!! The first rule; you do not talk about it, the second rule; you do not talk about it! So fucking true!!

It is such a funny place, it does make me chuckle inappropriately inside everytime I go in, and it appears the clinics across the country and across the pond are all the same!

And so not what I was expecting, I was expecting lesbians, fat people, old people, sugar daddys and slutty 20yr olds! But no far from it, lots are like me! Lots of youngish couples, late 20s/early 30s in loving relationships, who are probably like us, married nice people, fit and 'healthy' have a career and done things the sensible way around only to then be fucked over by the fertility fairy, who has decided to deny you the one thing you want most in the world, and make you go to fight club!!

You also do NOT under any circumstances talk to anyone in the waiting room, you do NOT sideways smile at them, you do NOT give a reassuring grin, you stare at the wall, the floor anything to not catch anyones eye! I made that mistake back when I was a newbie, I often make that mistake to be fair, it is second nature for me to smile at people, I am often known for my 'smile' my 'grin' but what people often don't realise is that it is often also my mask. Though not always, believe it or not I am a very positive person, I ALWAYS look on the 'brightside' and always try to find the positive in a situation, so rarely do I let things get the better of me and let my mask slip, though this infertility shit is really fucking me off and the mask has slipped on occasion.