Chemical Pregnancy

So here I am again writing another sad blog. I long to one day be able to write a post which has a happier ending.

So the last few weeks, well months, have yet again been turbulent....lots of ups and downs, lots of hope, lots of fear and anxiety. How long do we do this to ourselves for?? How much of this can we take? The emotional turmoil of it all, is intense, its horrific, it puts life on standstill, its all we talk about, think about, its become our life. Not just me but DH too, in fact DH in particular, its so awful to watch his heart break time after time. He's the most generous, sensitive and giving not just man but human being I know. How is that fair? How is it fair that someone that warm and gentle is not able to become a Father?? Its just so cruel, the world is just so cruel! And not to mention the physical element of it for me, the destruction I am putting my body through, and for no positive outcome.

So whats been happening??? Well after the loss of MB our world got turned upside down, we havent recovered, nor do I think we ever will. The pain we now carry is sometimes unbearable. However we still soldiered on. We decided to go for another round of FET using the same Spanish protocol we used which worked for MB, well up until 6weeks gestation, but still we GOT pregnant, at least we know we CAN get pregnant right?! Well thats the tiniest bit of hope and positivity we took from that experience.

We had to wait until the end of September to begin the protocol due to the clinic being busy. So off we went, I started taking 4 estratidol pills a day along with 2 patches on my arse! And so began the dates with the dildo cams. My first attempt with the Spanish protocol was fantastic, we didn't even get to the second month as the first month I had a surprising womb lining of 9mm! So we went for it and had success. So again we had that glimmer of hope, but it wasn't to be this cycle, my lining reached 6.9mm so they decided to continue with the protocol as it should be and complete the second month. This entailed keeping the drugs the same but also added in Pentoxyfilline and Vitamin E. Now Penoxyfilline really is not pleasant, just google the side effects! I of course experienced many! So we continued and had weekly dates with the dildo cam, only to find at the end of it my lining only reached 6.4mm. We were then left to sit in the waiting room for an agonising hour, so much running through our heads. We knew that the consultant has never wanted to transfer with a lining less than 8. So what will they do now?? The ever familiar 'abandon the cycle' and re try at a later date? Though where/when/what as we'd also had news earlier in the week the clinic was closing! Or will they just go ahead? But if they do that is our chance of success now really low with a crap lining? This would also be our second and last NHS funded transfer.....and so we waited. We finally got called in by the nurse, who had spoken with the consultant, though he obviously didn't feel it necessary to have a proper discussion with us! She TOLD us we would still go ahead, she was very rushed and frantic and gave us little opportunity to discuss things, or even be apart of the decision. We were however somewhat pleased, at least the last 2 months hadn't been for nothing....at least we get to try...right?
Though part of me can't help feel that if the clinic wasn't closing, we may have been given more of an option. We then had the agonising week of awaiting the call from the embryologist each day. Day 1 I was in a meeting and couldn't answer my phone, throughout the meeting I had 2 missed calls and a voicemail, then a missed call from DH. I was in panic mode, whats happened?? Have they all died?? That was the longest meeting of my life!! They had spoken with DH as 2 were looking good, but 1 had popped out its shell and another very slow, so decided to take another out. By the time day 5 came we had 2 top graded blastocysts. We had discussed the possibility of two the previous week and concluded that we wouldn't do it. All along they had also warned it would be dangerous for me, and thinking about it sensibly twins would be financially difficult. However on the morning of the transfer during our 5 min journey to the clinic, we actually got a little bit excited about the prospect. On the day of the transfer the embryologist was absolutely fantastic. She showed great compassion and empathy with us, and actually explained things in great depth, giving us lots of information to actually make an informed decision and that the decision was ours. She even informed us that actually the quality of the embryo is far more important than womb lining. So we got a bit excited and though Fuck it!! Lets put 2 in!! If this was successful theres no way we're going through it again, and don't really want an only child, so fuck it, we went for 2!!!

I took some time off work, thankfully I have a very supportive manager and team which took the pressure off. I chilled, binged on netflix, took some short walks with the dog, enjoyed time with friends visiting, and did some online Christmas shopping. DH took care of the housework, the cooking etc, so I was able to really relax. I did the pineapple thing for 5 days, had 5 brazil nuts a day, took all my vitamins, kept my feet warm etc. The night of the transfer and the following day, I felt physically awful, extreme fatigue, a migraine, and not just nausea but retching! I also had some intense cramping. The following days, my boobs got more sore, and had all the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy as I did last time, in fact they were even more intense. Signs of twins we hoped! I even had some spotting, not red blood, but brown, and very minimal, again a good sign?! On 7dp5dt I decided I couldn't wait and did a test, however it was negative, but thats OK I thought as its of course too soon. 9dp5dt I did another, it was faint but a definite positive! WAHOO!!!! Thank goodness Im pregnant I thought. DH was very calm and reserved, not wanting to be too hopeful just yet. Day 10 and 11 tests again were there but they didn't get darker as we'd expected in fact it was lighter. WTF?!? How can this be?? Last time with MB I hadn't even finished peeing and the line was there at day 10! Well perhaps it could still be that its too early, and HCG levels just fluctuating a little?? So we bought a digital. On 12dp5dt OTD I did the digital, a clear blue and a first response, 'not pregnant' I hate those tests! Its just so harsh! The clear blue and FR again had very very faint lines, but this time hardly noticeable. I rang the clinic, I asked for a blood test but was told it was too early and to do another test tomorrow! WTF?! Another Fucking day of turmoil!! We cried, both took the day off sick. By the afternoon we decided we needed to think positively and be hopeful, we had a nice walk to see the sea, and chatted hopefully. I even did some positive affirmations and visualisation in the evening. The next morning came, this time, NOTHING, nothing at all, I did 2 tests and not even a smidge of a line :( I called the clinic, this time spoke to the lovely nurse we had through MB, who straight away offered a blood test. So off we went to the clinic, walking through the maternity entrance, passing the obese pregnant woman smoking! Grrrr! Blood drawn, and another few hours to wait......BHCG came back as 2! That was it, it was confirmed, most definitely not pregnant, and most likely a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical pregnancies are so fucking cruel, the symptoms and the hope of something positive, only to end so very soon :(

So what now?? What are our next steps?? Well there are so many questions, thoughts, possibilities and the answer is we're really not sure!!  So the options are:

Option 1)
A self-funded cycle, however our financial position is not great so this will mean some saving, and putting home improvement plans on hold, along with visiting close family in Australia and the USA. And will most probably get us in to debt, which then could be financially difficult when on mat leave if its successful. We also need to do a lot of research at some potential clinics, we briefly looked into it last year, and found a few we were quite keen on, but nothing definitive.
We'd be very grateful for advice from anyone who has good/bad experiences with clinics.

Option 2)
Adoption, though if we do option 1 first this will delay adoption as you have to be clear treatment for 6-12 months, you also have to not be TTC, if we got in to debt via option 1 this could also be a problem. Adoption also brings its own new world of emotional turmoil, and is certainly not an easy path, but could be a very positive one, and not quite sure we're ready to give up on a biological child yet?

Option 3)
We give up completely, and just be that couple that has fun holidays and nice things, we would never use contraception, and forever hope that we might 'get caught.'

The only firm decision we have made is that we WILL be going on holiday in Feb for our 10 year anniversary and won't be actioning anything before then. And don't think option 3 is really an option.....

MB, our BFP too beautiful for this world

I started off this blog detailing the past few weeks, the ups and downs and how we got to FET, but thats not what I want to discuss right now, that story will come next, I appreciate it has been a while since Ive blogged so if you've followed my journey there is a massive gap, but long and short of the story is we finally got there, we finally did it, my lining finally got thick enough for FET, and to our biggest surprise we had a BFP!!!

That morning of the BFP, that overwhelming feeling of happiness, disbelief and shock was just incredible, we both cried, I couldn't breath, we were just so so happy and so so shocked!! We just couldn't believe our luck, our very first transfer and it stuck?! WTF?! This never happens to us, its never that straight forward.......

However if I'm truly honest, something was very different right from that very moment of having 'MB' (we even named it) implanted. We were just so positive so hopeful, we talked to MB, we bonded with MB, right before we even knew MB was going to stick. We had the photo they give you stuck on the fridge (I still haven't removed it, I can't......) and DH would kiss it every morning (I think he still does). I pretty much knew right away it had worked, I felt so different, we both had such a positive attitude (lot of fucking good that did!) and dreamt and believed it worked. Straight after the transfer, we bought and ate mcdonald's fries, we went and bought a plant, we then went out for a nutritious lunch then had a relaxing afternoon in bed watching TV, it was a perfect day. The following day I started cramping, so much pain I needed to take painkillers, DH cooked a pulled pork chilli, the smell of the pork was unreal, I felt so nauseated by it, right then I knew, I knew MB had stuck. The days passed and whilst the wait to test was agonising, it also kind of wasn't as I just knew, my boobs were sore, I was nauseated, exhausted. I had such a lovely relaxing time, I took time off work and just did 'nice' things, I shopped, ate cake and spent time with friends. Then at 10dp5dt I did the test!

Those next 2 weeks were just magic. Im so glad we got the BFP, I think it would have been even more devastating to have had a BFN and to have to start again, at least we know my lining can get thick enough and at least we know I CAN get pregnant! And to have those 2 weeks of dreaming, of working out my due date, of planning our nursery, planning our shared mat leave, looking at baby stuff, wandering, wishing, and hoping what MB would be like, sharing the good news and excitement with our friends and family, they have just been the best 2 weeks of our lives! It really was magic, and Im so glad we got to have that. But to go from that, those feelings of being pregnant, the nausea, the cravings, the smells, the huge painful boobs, the bloat, those awful but also magical feelings to this feeling of intense pain and heart ache. Heart ache really is a true physical pain, I have a stabbing in my chest, and a burn in my belly. I so miss that feeling of being pregnant, its crazy how quickly those feelings go, and are replaced with the contractions of passing a miscarriage, the nausea of heartache, the exhaustion of the constant crying. The pain is just unreal. Its 2 o clock in the afternoon and I can't even face getting dressed or showered, let alone leaving the house! What I will say though is I am overwhelmed by the love and support from our friends and family, our house is filling up with flowers/cards/gifts, it hasn't just affected us its affected those around us too. People say you shouldn't tell people until your 12 weeks, we told people almost straight away and Im so glad we did, as much as I don't really want to see people right now, I don't want to face the world, the love that is surrounding us is unreal. One friend has brought us a beautiful rose, we will plant it in the garden and have a memorial to MB, MB may have only been 6wks+3 but MB will stay in our hearts forever. MB has changed us, changed us dramatically. We love MB more than we could have ever envisaged which is why we hurt so much, and whilst this pain is unbearable and MB was only hear for a short while, as my sister says 'MB is needed elsewhere' 'MB is too beautiful for this world.'

MB I felt you leave my body, I held you in my hand, I loved you before I even felt you, and me and Daddy will love you forever and always, and will forever carry the pain of losing you XXXXXXXXX