Another Year, Dare we Hope??

And so it is 2018!

Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.

I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'

That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.

I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!

So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.

So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'

Picked up and dropped again!!

So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.

So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.

Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!

I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.

I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.

Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!

So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.

I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??

I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x