A ranty blog about Natural FET

So here we are again, on another cycle....another simpler cycle...a more straight forward cycle....yeah fucking right!!!!

So we're attempting a 'natural' FET. Ive had just over a year now with absolutely no fertility drugs in my system. Its been a great year! And its made me realise how consumed I was by the whole fertility bullshit and how much the drugs were fucking me up! Hence why we've really pushed for a 'natural' FET. I've also switched my job in the past year, and am in a much more fulfilling role, I have a lot more responsibility and a lot more pressure, but Im surrounded by much nicer and better people and have a much more human boss! So whilst its more demanding and quite stressful its more manageable and makes me happier which in turn affects the fertility crap.

So anyway on to this cycle and how we led up to it. So over the past year I really have 'relaxed' Ive had a lot of fun, but also have looked after myself Ive ate well, exercised etc, and mentally felt like I was in a much better place. Ive also been doing homeopathy, and I really think that has also helped, it has helped me deal with the situation with my mother better, I still hate how ill she is and how she'll never be able to be a mother to me, but Im much more tolerant and more able to see the situation for what it is. Though i did break down today after speaking to her, as I just 'wanted my mum' I wanted to tell her how shit things are, and her to tell me it would be 'OK' you know like most people do...like most people probably take for granted...picking up the phone to your mum telling her you'd had a bad day, or better yet going around for a cuppa and a hug....well I can't do that..and it breaks my heart that I can't!! :(

Anyway Im digressing....so the homeopathy has really helped me emotionally, but also has helped me have more regular cycles they're still very long, ranging from 35-45 days but still they're there! And I even experienced PMT for the first time, and also having pretty much a river somedays of cerival mucus!! Now wtf is that all about?! Who'd have thought Id be happy at some days having a little puddle in my panties!! I never thought I had an issue there, I've never had dryness during sex or anything, or at least I didn't think I did, but my goodness now I certainly don't have an issue!!! Sorry TMI!!!!! But something that is important fertility wise, which Id underestimated!
Anyways also along with the homeopathy Im taking a herbal remedy called angus castus, it was recommended to me by my boss who also has PCOS who swears it helped her conceive, though the warning label states not to take if TTC or pregnant! But theres lots of evidence to suggest it can actually be helpful and even help with thickening womb lining, which as you know is one of my biggest problems. Im also taking a multivitimin called 'proceive' which also contains inositol, which also is great for PCOS and fertility....so I really am trying!! Therefore I really wanted to see what would happen for me in a natural cycle, as that has never really been truly tried. The clinic have tried to fob me off stating they tried it last Jan, however that was straight after 2 rounds of drugs and they didn't take into account my natural cycle, so Im not counting that! So the clinic are very unhopeful that a natural cycle will work for me, they're pretty adamant that I need drugs.....Ive been so hopeful and positive leading up to this, so has DH, and I really don't trust this clinic and their protocols, they're very old school, have a pretty crappy success rate, and just aren't very willing to deviate off protocol despite evidence. So its very frustrating! But our finances are quite poor, we have no savings and a fair bit of dept from living quite freely in our 20s, house expenses, uni degree etc and the bank of mum and dad unfortunately does not exist for us, so it would be a case of getting a loan if we got accepted if we went private. Logisitcally its also difficult, our closest decent clinic is 2 hours each way, so would mean taking time off work for each appt. Both our bosses are very understanding, but its not ideal. So it really does make financial and logistic sense to stick with our current clinic, as we have not yet made it to transfer, we still have 2 attempts left, so we would be silly not to take them, especially with a natural cycle, however we are concerned at what the cost might be to my health if we go for a medicated cycle with them...

But anyway lets not get to far ahead and talk about this current cycle. So I am currently on day 24, for most normal people that would mean AF would be looming! However that is not the case for me. I had my first scan at 10 days, had a womb lining of 4.6mm but no dominant follicle. Well thats kind of OK as was not expecting it yet as knew it would probably be far too early for me. However what we weren't expecting was the poor attitude of the sonographer and the nurse at the clinic!! The sonographer was about 45 mins late which is very normal for her! And just rude throughout! Absolutely no dignity or even humanity! Then the nurse...well she's a lot to be desired! Her first comment 'well you're not doing much are you!?!' in an abrupt sarcastic tone! She also said it was highly unlikely that this would work and would prob need drugs, we had to push for her to agree to rescan us. So that they did, at day 18 this time, a much nicer sonographer this time, much more thorough, though a lot less comfortable! However again no dominant follicle but womb lining had grown to 5.5mm, so 'not negative but not positive' as the rude nurse told us, and she apologised that we would need to come back for another scan, 'but it is what we want' she told us with a sarcastic undertone. So that third scan was today, we both went in feeling quite positive again, I was almost certain that there would be a dominant follicle this time, as around about this time is when I think I probably ovulate, just from tracking my symptoms myself. However we got in there and NOPE!!! Still no fucking dominant follicle and the worst bit my womb lining has actually reduced!! Im now at fucking 5mm!!! WTF?!?! My eyes filled with tears whilst we awaited the nurse to tell us that she would need to speak with the consultant to advise the next step, she was actually nice to us today, thats generally not a good sign! So off we went, feeling pissed off and fed up and awaited the dreaded phonecall.......well a different nurse called and to our disbelief they have agreed to scan me one more time, this time in a further 10 days...so this will be make or break.....

SO I guess its not all bad, its not quite game over yet, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take...we'd forgotten the heart ache, we'd forgotten the 'building ourselves up, being positive' to then go in there and having it all knocked out of you in a heartbeat. Why is it not straight forward?? Why is it so hard?? We seem to have acquired several infertile friends, I love them all to bits, and we have all been a great support for each other, but none of them seem to have been as complicated and getting nowhere fast than us, in fact all have them have had transfers and gone right through a cycle, not all had BFPs but at least they have had the opportunity. Not that I want any of them to experience what we have of course I don't, and some of them have been through awful experiences, but I just wish we could at least get to the point of transfer!

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.....

Can the Chiropractor fix my fertility as well as my back??

So the past few months have been up and down, but I can happily say mainly up! I think thats predominantly due to me starting my new job, I really underestimated how unhappy I was in my previous job, how awful and toxic the atmosphere there was, and how it impacted on my mental health. My new job is still stressful, but there is a very different atmosphere. I predominantly work from home, which I actually love! There are no office politics and I am free to manage my own time. The ethos of the whole company is very different, they fully support and respect their staff, my new manager is amazing too, very fair, lovely and doesn't take any shit! They seem to really see my worth too, which has really boosted my confidence, so much so they have encouraged me to go for a promotion, of which I have an interview for this week! I should currently be prepping, but I am the worlds biggest procrastinator so am blogging instead! Though blogging is helpful, almost helps with the preparation, as hopefully it will help free up some headspace to help me better concentrate. The very reason I started blogging in the first place was to be able to off load, something in which I am very bad at! You see I am an optimist, I hate negativity, and try to steer well clear of it, I am all for mindfulness, seizing the moment, reach for the stars, take a deep breath and inhale the beautiful sea air type person, which is wonderful, but sometimes not realistic, you see when you are this way, everyone expects you to always be this way, and when you aren't they just don't know what to do with you! And I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to open up, how to say I actually feel pretty crap, because thats not me, Im that person who listens to the other person feeling like that. And also being this way, means its a lot harder to fall, when reality hits and things get a bit shitty. Why am I like this??? Well fuck knows! My life certainly has not been all hearts and flowers, if you have read my previous blog posts you will know I have had a pretty terrible child hood, and have been dealt a few shitty cards in adult hood too! My life certainly is not perfect, but who's is??? There are people worse off than me!! See there I go again, thinking of others! But anyway I'd much rather be this way, yes things hurt sometimes, but they could be a lot worse, and whilst going through so much shit, really and truly fucking sucks, it does make you appreciate things more.

I am steering off track, but again if you have read my previous blogs, you know thats what I do!!! Haha! Another reason I think I have been happier these past few months is we are currently 'on a break' not 'on a break' in Ross and Rachel terms (Friends ref!!!! come on Friends is epic!!!) but on a break from treatment. And you know what, its so refreshing! It feels amazing! I never would have thought it would, Im not the most patient of people, and want things done yesterday, and always have a fear of running out of time, and getting too old, which is quite funny really, as my time management skills are pretty horrendous! Over the past almost 5 years now of TTC, Ive always been in a rush to start the next thing, the agonising wait between appointments and treatments, always felt like a lifetime, so I never would have thought that I would have chosen to have a 6 month break. Well tbh it sort of wasn't a choice, as the main reason is because Ive started my new job, so I really needed to give myself time to get to grips with it, and also it was the sensible option, as if the treatment did work and I did pregnant I wouldn't get any maternity pay until I have been with the company for 6 months, so taking a break made financial sense too. But it really has done wanders for my mental health, and physical health too, I have much more energy, I feel healthier, and its just been so nice to not constantly be thinking about infertility bullshit!

So moving on to the title of this blog post, the past few weeks I have been having worsening pain in my right hip, shoulder and ankle. Now I am someone with an incredibly high pain threshold, and often push through when others might not. I have suffered with these pains for years, but have never really got them fixed, I did have physio on my shoulder over a year ago with not much success, and the acupuncturist did help my shoulder but didn't resolve it, other than that Ive just got on with it, putting it down to my job, and old injuries I have gathered over the years. However the past few weeks it has become quite debilitating so I decided to try something new and see a chiropractor. Well it was really fascinating, the below picture shows my problem areas along with all the other parts of the body they effect....

Notice how many of the areas are relating to many of the areas of the body which have an impact on fertility! He stated that he is very confident that I will be pain free in about 3-4 weeks! This will then have a direct impact on the rest of my health, I will sleep better, feel less anxious, release less adrenaline, which will improve fertility. Also by correcting the problem areas, the nervous system connected to these areas will also improve! He stated that 9/10 women with menstrual irregularities regulate after being corrected through chiropractic practices! Pretty incredible eh?! Well lets hope this has some benefit for me, and is not yet again me 'blue sky thinking' and being too optimistic, heading yet again for another great fall!