So its been a crazy few weeks!
Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'
So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!
So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.
So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.
So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!
So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Saturday, 28 April 2018
Saturday, 17 March 2018
Broken
So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!
So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!
Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.
In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!
That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.
So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(
We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.
We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.
So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.
So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!
Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.
In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!
That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.
So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(
We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.
We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.
So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.
Wednesday, 3 January 2018
Another Year, Dare we Hope??
And so it is 2018!
Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.
I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'
That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.
I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!
So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.
So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'
Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.
I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'
That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.
I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!
So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.
So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'
Friday, 8 December 2017
Whats the Point?!?!
Whats the point?!?! Eh.....what is the fucking point!!!
That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!
It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!
Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.
Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.
So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!
In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???
That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!
It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!
Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.
Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.
So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!
In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???
Friday, 17 November 2017
FET cycle #2 FAIL!!
So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!
So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.
So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(
I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!
Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!
I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.
Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.
So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(
So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.
So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(
I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!
Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!
I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.
Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.
So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(
Thursday, 9 November 2017
An Incredibly Tough Week
So this past week has not gone entirely as one would hope......and considering currently I should be trying to relax, and under as little stress as possible....well......that hasn't really gone to plan!
So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!
So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.
I chose option 2.
I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!
The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!
So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.
The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;
'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'
At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;
But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!
Well lets await the next scan and see..............
So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!
So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.
I chose option 2.
I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!
The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!
So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.
The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;
'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'
At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;
But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!
Well lets await the next scan and see..............
Wednesday, 11 October 2017
FET cycle #1 = FAIL
So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........
So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.
So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......
So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.
So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......
And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!
On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....
Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!
Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!
So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.
So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!'
After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this???
Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.
So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/
I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!
Friday, 6 October 2017
Does being positive actually get you anywhere????
So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.
Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.
So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........
D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.
I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.
So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!
Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.
So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........
D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.
I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.
So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!
And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.
I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....
How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.
I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.
Tuesday, 3 October 2017
Where does the time go???
Cue another random blog post!
But really where does the time go?!?!
I seriously thought having time off work I would be bored, how would I fill the time?? What would I do?? Maybe I could even do some productive things, like tidy those cupboards that need sorting, get the old Annie Sloan paint out and paint some furniture Ive been meaning to do for a while, or even get the camera out and start a photography project. But nope!! Its not quite like that! I've been so lethargic, and its taking me so long to do something, that the time is just disappearing, and Im getting distracted so easily, going on social media, and generally just pondering!
So today for instance, I woke at 7 to take my buserelin, then back to bed and woke again at 9, I then spent the next hour on my phone looking at social media. Got up made some porridge, then watched some random videos on You Tube, had a shower and hung out the washing, it was now 1130!!
At 1215, I did however then do something very different, quite productive and actually somewhat therapeutic, I took part in a podcast with Natalie aka @fertilitypoddy http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com I strongly urge anyone going through infertility to check out Natalie very informative and helpful podcasts. Now I was quite taken aback when someone like Natalie is interested in hearing my story, let alone want to interview me for her podcast! I mean little ole me, really?!?! Well it happened!! And my God did I ramble....sorry Natalie!! But you know what, I think it is the first time I have told someone our infertility journey from start to now like that, and to realise that actually what we have been through isn't normal, it isn't fair, its shit! But instead of coming away feeling upset or angry, I actually feel a bit relieved, it was nice to just let it all out like that, to talk through it. And its got me thinking again about the whole counselling thing, it was offered once (as one free session), and to be honest its probably not just the concept of having to pay for it after, its also because Im afraid to talk, Im afraid to open up for fear of what might be let out, what gremlins might come out to haunt us/me, but actually after talking to Natalie, a stranger, but actually a nice stranger, I surprised myself at how easy it was to spill all that. Thats another reason why I've almost I suppose poo-pooed counselling, is because Im not a talker, you might find that surprising from reading these blogs and that I was OK to go on a podcast, but you see thats because this blog and the podcast is anonymous, and not many people who know me, know about it, so I can be real, I can be raw, with little fear of upsetting those close to me, or worrying what they might think. But you know what, maybe its time to consider counselling??? Before I change my mind again!! Natalie also encouraged me to review our clinic on the HFEA website, and inform them of our concerns, again something I really am now considering doing.
So anyway back again to my day, and where the time goes! Well the lovely chat with Natalie took about an hour, I then decided to do some lunch, now feeling a bit more upbeat and a little more energetic today I decided to cook some soup, a chicken and mushroom soup, now note to self, DO NOT liquidise chicken, it tasted nice, but the texture was gross, see below image, bleurghhhh........
My plan was then to do some meal prep this afternoon, as its a day today where I have some energy, I have come to the realisation that I need to use it when I have it, so was planning on cooking up some soups from Emma Cannons book 'Fertile' but after cooking the soup, eating it, getting engrossed in some more social media, doing the dishes it was then 1615, and I had an urge to blog, so here I am! And that's where my day has gone so far!
But I guess a day like today isn't so bad, its far nicer than the day I had on Sunday, wow I think that is one of my darkest days yet, certainly the darkest this cycle. I woke up and straight away felt sad, I had that burning feeling in my chest like I was about to cry, that same feeling I seem to have a lot at the min, whereas days like today I may get a glimmer of that feeling, I am able to swallow it, smile and bury it and move on, but days like Sunday I can't, I just couldn't. So I lay there and cried for about half an hour, then managed to pull myself together and get downstairs to D, he was busy studying and I hadn't thought he had noticed, but he had, and he just held me and I cried some more. I even went back to bed for a bit and cried, and slept a little, and again D came and held me and I cried some more. I was like that pretty much the whole day, I didn't get showered or dressed I just cried, I didn't even want to eat. However in the evening I managed to cook a roast (hence the left over chicken in the soup today!!) and have a bath, went to bed cried and slept and woke up in a far better mood. But I guess this is what life with infertility is like. Though it is all massively exacerbated at the minute of course, as I have so many drugs and hormones in my body, and I am scared to say it but I think I need to..........it is making me depressed...........I keep using words like emotional, and down, but actually its making me fucking depressed!!! And I heard once, break those words down.....and you get 'deep rest' so I guess thats where my time is going, Im in 'deep rest' I guess my mind and my body just both need to rest at the moment, and thats OK, my God did I just actually say that?!?! Its OK?!?! Fuck, most of my friends will be pretty surprised to hear me say and think that its actually 'OK' to rest, I am not a restful person, I work hard and play hard, but actually right now I need to accept that I need to rest, and also accept that I am depressed. Ive always felt weak and wrong to let myself ever admit that, to ever not be positive, to be negative, to be down/depressed, its not me, but you know what, things are out of my control at the moment, and I hate that, thats another issue of mine, I need to be in control, I even made a snazzy chart to keep track of all what I need to take.....
But really where does the time go?!?!
I seriously thought having time off work I would be bored, how would I fill the time?? What would I do?? Maybe I could even do some productive things, like tidy those cupboards that need sorting, get the old Annie Sloan paint out and paint some furniture Ive been meaning to do for a while, or even get the camera out and start a photography project. But nope!! Its not quite like that! I've been so lethargic, and its taking me so long to do something, that the time is just disappearing, and Im getting distracted so easily, going on social media, and generally just pondering!
So today for instance, I woke at 7 to take my buserelin, then back to bed and woke again at 9, I then spent the next hour on my phone looking at social media. Got up made some porridge, then watched some random videos on You Tube, had a shower and hung out the washing, it was now 1130!!
At 1215, I did however then do something very different, quite productive and actually somewhat therapeutic, I took part in a podcast with Natalie aka @fertilitypoddy http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com I strongly urge anyone going through infertility to check out Natalie very informative and helpful podcasts. Now I was quite taken aback when someone like Natalie is interested in hearing my story, let alone want to interview me for her podcast! I mean little ole me, really?!?! Well it happened!! And my God did I ramble....sorry Natalie!! But you know what, I think it is the first time I have told someone our infertility journey from start to now like that, and to realise that actually what we have been through isn't normal, it isn't fair, its shit! But instead of coming away feeling upset or angry, I actually feel a bit relieved, it was nice to just let it all out like that, to talk through it. And its got me thinking again about the whole counselling thing, it was offered once (as one free session), and to be honest its probably not just the concept of having to pay for it after, its also because Im afraid to talk, Im afraid to open up for fear of what might be let out, what gremlins might come out to haunt us/me, but actually after talking to Natalie, a stranger, but actually a nice stranger, I surprised myself at how easy it was to spill all that. Thats another reason why I've almost I suppose poo-pooed counselling, is because Im not a talker, you might find that surprising from reading these blogs and that I was OK to go on a podcast, but you see thats because this blog and the podcast is anonymous, and not many people who know me, know about it, so I can be real, I can be raw, with little fear of upsetting those close to me, or worrying what they might think. But you know what, maybe its time to consider counselling??? Before I change my mind again!! Natalie also encouraged me to review our clinic on the HFEA website, and inform them of our concerns, again something I really am now considering doing.
So anyway back again to my day, and where the time goes! Well the lovely chat with Natalie took about an hour, I then decided to do some lunch, now feeling a bit more upbeat and a little more energetic today I decided to cook some soup, a chicken and mushroom soup, now note to self, DO NOT liquidise chicken, it tasted nice, but the texture was gross, see below image, bleurghhhh........
My plan was then to do some meal prep this afternoon, as its a day today where I have some energy, I have come to the realisation that I need to use it when I have it, so was planning on cooking up some soups from Emma Cannons book 'Fertile' but after cooking the soup, eating it, getting engrossed in some more social media, doing the dishes it was then 1615, and I had an urge to blog, so here I am! And that's where my day has gone so far!
But I guess a day like today isn't so bad, its far nicer than the day I had on Sunday, wow I think that is one of my darkest days yet, certainly the darkest this cycle. I woke up and straight away felt sad, I had that burning feeling in my chest like I was about to cry, that same feeling I seem to have a lot at the min, whereas days like today I may get a glimmer of that feeling, I am able to swallow it, smile and bury it and move on, but days like Sunday I can't, I just couldn't. So I lay there and cried for about half an hour, then managed to pull myself together and get downstairs to D, he was busy studying and I hadn't thought he had noticed, but he had, and he just held me and I cried some more. I even went back to bed for a bit and cried, and slept a little, and again D came and held me and I cried some more. I was like that pretty much the whole day, I didn't get showered or dressed I just cried, I didn't even want to eat. However in the evening I managed to cook a roast (hence the left over chicken in the soup today!!) and have a bath, went to bed cried and slept and woke up in a far better mood. But I guess this is what life with infertility is like. Though it is all massively exacerbated at the minute of course, as I have so many drugs and hormones in my body, and I am scared to say it but I think I need to..........it is making me depressed...........I keep using words like emotional, and down, but actually its making me fucking depressed!!! And I heard once, break those words down.....and you get 'deep rest' so I guess thats where my time is going, Im in 'deep rest' I guess my mind and my body just both need to rest at the moment, and thats OK, my God did I just actually say that?!?! Its OK?!?! Fuck, most of my friends will be pretty surprised to hear me say and think that its actually 'OK' to rest, I am not a restful person, I work hard and play hard, but actually right now I need to accept that I need to rest, and also accept that I am depressed. Ive always felt weak and wrong to let myself ever admit that, to ever not be positive, to be negative, to be down/depressed, its not me, but you know what, things are out of my control at the moment, and I hate that, thats another issue of mine, I need to be in control, I even made a snazzy chart to keep track of all what I need to take.....
Haha!! I seriously need to let go!! But you know what, whatever helps, eh?!
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