So here we are again, on another cycle....another simpler cycle...a more straight forward cycle....yeah fucking right!!!!
So we're attempting a 'natural' FET. Ive had just over a year now with absolutely no fertility drugs in my system. Its been a great year! And its made me realise how consumed I was by the whole fertility bullshit and how much the drugs were fucking me up! Hence why we've really pushed for a 'natural' FET. I've also switched my job in the past year, and am in a much more fulfilling role, I have a lot more responsibility and a lot more pressure, but Im surrounded by much nicer and better people and have a much more human boss! So whilst its more demanding and quite stressful its more manageable and makes me happier which in turn affects the fertility crap.
So anyway on to this cycle and how we led up to it. So over the past year I really have 'relaxed' Ive had a lot of fun, but also have looked after myself Ive ate well, exercised etc, and mentally felt like I was in a much better place. Ive also been doing homeopathy, and I really think that has also helped, it has helped me deal with the situation with my mother better, I still hate how ill she is and how she'll never be able to be a mother to me, but Im much more tolerant and more able to see the situation for what it is. Though i did break down today after speaking to her, as I just 'wanted my mum' I wanted to tell her how shit things are, and her to tell me it would be 'OK' you know like most people do...like most people probably take for granted...picking up the phone to your mum telling her you'd had a bad day, or better yet going around for a cuppa and a hug....well I can't do that..and it breaks my heart that I can't!! :(
Anyway Im digressing....so the homeopathy has really helped me emotionally, but also has helped me have more regular cycles they're still very long, ranging from 35-45 days but still they're there! And I even experienced PMT for the first time, and also having pretty much a river somedays of cerival mucus!! Now wtf is that all about?! Who'd have thought Id be happy at some days having a little puddle in my panties!! I never thought I had an issue there, I've never had dryness during sex or anything, or at least I didn't think I did, but my goodness now I certainly don't have an issue!!! Sorry TMI!!!!! But something that is important fertility wise, which Id underestimated!
Anyways also along with the homeopathy Im taking a herbal remedy called angus castus, it was recommended to me by my boss who also has PCOS who swears it helped her conceive, though the warning label states not to take if TTC or pregnant! But theres lots of evidence to suggest it can actually be helpful and even help with thickening womb lining, which as you know is one of my biggest problems. Im also taking a multivitimin called 'proceive' which also contains inositol, which also is great for PCOS and fertility....so I really am trying!! Therefore I really wanted to see what would happen for me in a natural cycle, as that has never really been truly tried. The clinic have tried to fob me off stating they tried it last Jan, however that was straight after 2 rounds of drugs and they didn't take into account my natural cycle, so Im not counting that! So the clinic are very unhopeful that a natural cycle will work for me, they're pretty adamant that I need drugs.....Ive been so hopeful and positive leading up to this, so has DH, and I really don't trust this clinic and their protocols, they're very old school, have a pretty crappy success rate, and just aren't very willing to deviate off protocol despite evidence. So its very frustrating! But our finances are quite poor, we have no savings and a fair bit of dept from living quite freely in our 20s, house expenses, uni degree etc and the bank of mum and dad unfortunately does not exist for us, so it would be a case of getting a loan if we got accepted if we went private. Logisitcally its also difficult, our closest decent clinic is 2 hours each way, so would mean taking time off work for each appt. Both our bosses are very understanding, but its not ideal. So it really does make financial and logistic sense to stick with our current clinic, as we have not yet made it to transfer, we still have 2 attempts left, so we would be silly not to take them, especially with a natural cycle, however we are concerned at what the cost might be to my health if we go for a medicated cycle with them...
But anyway lets not get to far ahead and talk about this current cycle. So I am currently on day 24, for most normal people that would mean AF would be looming! However that is not the case for me. I had my first scan at 10 days, had a womb lining of 4.6mm but no dominant follicle. Well thats kind of OK as was not expecting it yet as knew it would probably be far too early for me. However what we weren't expecting was the poor attitude of the sonographer and the nurse at the clinic!! The sonographer was about 45 mins late which is very normal for her! And just rude throughout! Absolutely no dignity or even humanity! Then the nurse...well she's a lot to be desired! Her first comment 'well you're not doing much are you!?!' in an abrupt sarcastic tone! She also said it was highly unlikely that this would work and would prob need drugs, we had to push for her to agree to rescan us. So that they did, at day 18 this time, a much nicer sonographer this time, much more thorough, though a lot less comfortable! However again no dominant follicle but womb lining had grown to 5.5mm, so 'not negative but not positive' as the rude nurse told us, and she apologised that we would need to come back for another scan, 'but it is what we want' she told us with a sarcastic undertone. So that third scan was today, we both went in feeling quite positive again, I was almost certain that there would be a dominant follicle this time, as around about this time is when I think I probably ovulate, just from tracking my symptoms myself. However we got in there and NOPE!!! Still no fucking dominant follicle and the worst bit my womb lining has actually reduced!! Im now at fucking 5mm!!! WTF?!?! My eyes filled with tears whilst we awaited the nurse to tell us that she would need to speak with the consultant to advise the next step, she was actually nice to us today, thats generally not a good sign! So off we went, feeling pissed off and fed up and awaited the dreaded phonecall.......well a different nurse called and to our disbelief they have agreed to scan me one more time, this time in a further 10 days...so this will be make or break.....
SO I guess its not all bad, its not quite game over yet, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take...we'd forgotten the heart ache, we'd forgotten the 'building ourselves up, being positive' to then go in there and having it all knocked out of you in a heartbeat. Why is it not straight forward?? Why is it so hard?? We seem to have acquired several infertile friends, I love them all to bits, and we have all been a great support for each other, but none of them seem to have been as complicated and getting nowhere fast than us, in fact all have them have had transfers and gone right through a cycle, not all had BFPs but at least they have had the opportunity. Not that I want any of them to experience what we have of course I don't, and some of them have been through awful experiences, but I just wish we could at least get to the point of transfer!
I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.....
Showing posts with label AF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AF. Show all posts
Monday, 4 February 2019
Saturday, 28 April 2018
We're having 2 Kids?!?!
So its been a crazy few weeks!
Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'
So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!
So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.
So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.
So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!
So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................
Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'
So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!
So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.
So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.
So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!
So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................
Tuesday, 19 December 2017
Picked up and dropped again!!
So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.
So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.
Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!
I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.
I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.
Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!
So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.
I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??
I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x
So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.
Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!
I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.
I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.
Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!
So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.
I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??
I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x
Friday, 17 November 2017
FET cycle #2 FAIL!!
So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!
So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.
So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(
I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!
Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!
I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.
Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.
So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(
So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.
So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(
I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!
Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!
I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.
Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.
So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(
Sunday, 29 October 2017
Beginning FET cycle #2 and arse patterns
OK so its been almost 2 weeks since my last post!
And in that time several things have happened! I intended to blog last Tuesday after my first clinic appointment of this cycle, but it turned into a busy day and then I worked long shifts for the rest of the week.
So whats been happening you might ask?! Well....
AF arrived! She came on the Friday, but it was after 12 midday so I had to start the buserelin the following Sunday. I immediately felt crap!! I mean literally within an hour I had a pounding head, and felt nauseous. And throughout this past week Ive been feeling very emotional again, very fatigued, nauseous and the past few days really light headed/dizzy, as if I'm in some sort of fog, and almost not real, its a very hard feeling and very difficult to explain, and not particularly pleasant! Its been a difficult week, but also reassuring that Im pretty sure its the drugs making me so emotional, and depressed, as last week when I was not on any drugs I felt fine! I had so much more energy, felt much more positive, and just generally more 'me!'
So anyhow, Tuesday I had my first scan of this cycle, D wasn't there this time. I told him not to come.....I wish I hadn't! Though there was no major reason for him to be there, other than to hold my hand! We knew this would be a very routine scan it was just to check that my ovaries are clear and everything was good to start the estradiol, which with AF almost leaving again, and the effects I was feeling from the buserelin, I was pretty certain all would be OK.......and it was!!! D wanted to come as he always does, but he is just about to start his new promotion, and whilst his workplace are very good about him attending appointments, we didn't want to take the piss, when it was unnecessary. And as it turned out, all was well, so there really was no 'real need' for D to be there, but my God was it awful sitting in that waiting room all alone, surrounded by couples! Even though I was pretty certain I wouldn't be getting any bad news and this was routine, I missed him so much! I missed him holding my hand, reassuringly looking at me, making me laugh, and just generally being my rock! Maybe I shouldn't be so spoilt! Im sure plenty of women attend appointments alone, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to be! I really am so lucky to have D, thats one great positive with this whole fucked up situation it has definitely brought us closer, it really does either make or break you!
The sonographer woman, was her usual 'happy' self *sarcasm* but as there was not much to look for, it was thankfully pretty quick, I then had to await the plan from the nurse, which I already had an idea on from our last appointment. It was however still a long wait, and there was another couple there who I met once before, back before our first cycle when we had to go for our injection technique teaching session. It was kind of odd as it was only the day before when shopping in Sainsbury's Im sure I saw the husband of one of the other couples, which then gave the passing thought of wandering how those other 3 couples are getting on, whether they got their BFPs??? Well anyway this other poor couple hadn't yet, they were talking to someone and I was ear wigging a little, to hear this was their second FET, having 1 failed fresh and 1 failed FET, so meaning unfortunately living where we are, they are now paying! So its not just me/us still waiting, still on this shitty journey, eh?! So anyway on to the nurse bit.....fortunately it was nurse K, now she is lovely, so much nicer than the other nurse, and actually shows some compassion and takes the time to answer questions. She told me I now had to go home take 4 estradiol pills each day, and also later an estradiol patch. Now the patches are 'fun' again *sarcasm! Not sure if anyone else finds this? But they are bloody uncomfortable! They really irritate my skin, and due to them needing to be on my arse, and the logistics of placing them there, D has to do them for me, he is having great pleasure in designing a pattern on my arse with them! Haha!
So as I said earlier nurse K is great at answering questions, and actually explained the process to me, so on the Tues I commence, patches and pills, I then have a scan Fri of this coming week, so 10 days later. If my womb lining is looking good, I will then stop the buserelin on the Sunday and start progesterone pessaries/suppositories, and the embryologists will thaw the embryos on the Monday, with the aim of culturing them on until the Friday, when they will hopefully, fingers crossed, implant one.
So I have seen my lovely acupuncturist once and plan on seeing her again on Tuesday, am also eating and drinking all the wonderful things I did last cycle. I am also back at work, and trying not to go sick to early this time, last cycle I had a month off, but I really did need it, I was in such a dark place then. I could almost let myself be again this cycle, I can feel it within me, I can feel that burn in my stomach, that dark cloud in my head, but I am fighting it, Im fighting it hard, and trying my upmost to not let it consume me. However it certainly hasn't been easy! It hasn't been easy at work either, lots of silly politics, which are really not helpful right now! I try my best to stay out of it, but I really do love my job, and I find it hard not to get frustrated and stressed by things in the office, but Im TRYING!!! Ive also had to deal with a few insensitive people too, people who I thought cared, but hey, forget them! I have sooooooo many good people in my life who really do care, I seriously don't need the ones who don't! Their loss eh?!
So thats pretty much it, thats where I am, I would like to say Im feeling positive, Im trying to be, I really am, but having been on this journey for so long, knowing what it entails, and the constant heartbreak we have endured, the hope I had is seriously diminishing, and that really isn't me, I am usually so optimistic, and on face I am, I am still wearing that signature smile, making people think that 'I'm OK' but really deep down, there is minimal hope left :( But hey, I guess we gotta just watch this space!
In other news, I am quite liking the idea of reviewing some things?! Anyone have any thoughts? The first item I want to review is a diary called Daily Greatness Journal it is quite expensive at £39.99 but it is huge! And for someone who is a stationary nerd and likes to be organised it really appeals. It has a weekly planner and is designed to be positive and instil good habits. It is not dated so can be started at any time, however Im going to wait until January, there is just something about starting a diary on the 1st of January :) So once I do and I have used it for a while I will of course do a more comprehensive review. In the meantime if anyone wishes to purchase, you can use this code to get 5% off RAF5UK
And in that time several things have happened! I intended to blog last Tuesday after my first clinic appointment of this cycle, but it turned into a busy day and then I worked long shifts for the rest of the week.
So whats been happening you might ask?! Well....
AF arrived! She came on the Friday, but it was after 12 midday so I had to start the buserelin the following Sunday. I immediately felt crap!! I mean literally within an hour I had a pounding head, and felt nauseous. And throughout this past week Ive been feeling very emotional again, very fatigued, nauseous and the past few days really light headed/dizzy, as if I'm in some sort of fog, and almost not real, its a very hard feeling and very difficult to explain, and not particularly pleasant! Its been a difficult week, but also reassuring that Im pretty sure its the drugs making me so emotional, and depressed, as last week when I was not on any drugs I felt fine! I had so much more energy, felt much more positive, and just generally more 'me!'
So anyhow, Tuesday I had my first scan of this cycle, D wasn't there this time. I told him not to come.....I wish I hadn't! Though there was no major reason for him to be there, other than to hold my hand! We knew this would be a very routine scan it was just to check that my ovaries are clear and everything was good to start the estradiol, which with AF almost leaving again, and the effects I was feeling from the buserelin, I was pretty certain all would be OK.......and it was!!! D wanted to come as he always does, but he is just about to start his new promotion, and whilst his workplace are very good about him attending appointments, we didn't want to take the piss, when it was unnecessary. And as it turned out, all was well, so there really was no 'real need' for D to be there, but my God was it awful sitting in that waiting room all alone, surrounded by couples! Even though I was pretty certain I wouldn't be getting any bad news and this was routine, I missed him so much! I missed him holding my hand, reassuringly looking at me, making me laugh, and just generally being my rock! Maybe I shouldn't be so spoilt! Im sure plenty of women attend appointments alone, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to be! I really am so lucky to have D, thats one great positive with this whole fucked up situation it has definitely brought us closer, it really does either make or break you!
The sonographer woman, was her usual 'happy' self *sarcasm* but as there was not much to look for, it was thankfully pretty quick, I then had to await the plan from the nurse, which I already had an idea on from our last appointment. It was however still a long wait, and there was another couple there who I met once before, back before our first cycle when we had to go for our injection technique teaching session. It was kind of odd as it was only the day before when shopping in Sainsbury's Im sure I saw the husband of one of the other couples, which then gave the passing thought of wandering how those other 3 couples are getting on, whether they got their BFPs??? Well anyway this other poor couple hadn't yet, they were talking to someone and I was ear wigging a little, to hear this was their second FET, having 1 failed fresh and 1 failed FET, so meaning unfortunately living where we are, they are now paying! So its not just me/us still waiting, still on this shitty journey, eh?! So anyway on to the nurse bit.....fortunately it was nurse K, now she is lovely, so much nicer than the other nurse, and actually shows some compassion and takes the time to answer questions. She told me I now had to go home take 4 estradiol pills each day, and also later an estradiol patch. Now the patches are 'fun' again *sarcasm! Not sure if anyone else finds this? But they are bloody uncomfortable! They really irritate my skin, and due to them needing to be on my arse, and the logistics of placing them there, D has to do them for me, he is having great pleasure in designing a pattern on my arse with them! Haha!
So as I said earlier nurse K is great at answering questions, and actually explained the process to me, so on the Tues I commence, patches and pills, I then have a scan Fri of this coming week, so 10 days later. If my womb lining is looking good, I will then stop the buserelin on the Sunday and start progesterone pessaries/suppositories, and the embryologists will thaw the embryos on the Monday, with the aim of culturing them on until the Friday, when they will hopefully, fingers crossed, implant one.
So I have seen my lovely acupuncturist once and plan on seeing her again on Tuesday, am also eating and drinking all the wonderful things I did last cycle. I am also back at work, and trying not to go sick to early this time, last cycle I had a month off, but I really did need it, I was in such a dark place then. I could almost let myself be again this cycle, I can feel it within me, I can feel that burn in my stomach, that dark cloud in my head, but I am fighting it, Im fighting it hard, and trying my upmost to not let it consume me. However it certainly hasn't been easy! It hasn't been easy at work either, lots of silly politics, which are really not helpful right now! I try my best to stay out of it, but I really do love my job, and I find it hard not to get frustrated and stressed by things in the office, but Im TRYING!!! Ive also had to deal with a few insensitive people too, people who I thought cared, but hey, forget them! I have sooooooo many good people in my life who really do care, I seriously don't need the ones who don't! Their loss eh?!
So thats pretty much it, thats where I am, I would like to say Im feeling positive, Im trying to be, I really am, but having been on this journey for so long, knowing what it entails, and the constant heartbreak we have endured, the hope I had is seriously diminishing, and that really isn't me, I am usually so optimistic, and on face I am, I am still wearing that signature smile, making people think that 'I'm OK' but really deep down, there is minimal hope left :( But hey, I guess we gotta just watch this space!
In other news, I am quite liking the idea of reviewing some things?! Anyone have any thoughts? The first item I want to review is a diary called Daily Greatness Journal it is quite expensive at £39.99 but it is huge! And for someone who is a stationary nerd and likes to be organised it really appeals. It has a weekly planner and is designed to be positive and instil good habits. It is not dated so can be started at any time, however Im going to wait until January, there is just something about starting a diary on the 1st of January :) So once I do and I have used it for a while I will of course do a more comprehensive review. In the meantime if anyone wishes to purchase, you can use this code to get 5% off RAF5UK
Wednesday, 18 October 2017
A bit of normality.....
So its now a week since we had our FET cycle cancelled.
I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??
So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!
So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.
Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!
Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!
I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.
So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.
So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!
I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??
So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!
So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.
Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!
Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!
I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.
So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.
So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!
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