So here we are again, on another cycle....another simpler cycle...a more straight forward cycle....yeah fucking right!!!!
So we're attempting a 'natural' FET. Ive had just over a year now with absolutely no fertility drugs in my system. Its been a great year! And its made me realise how consumed I was by the whole fertility bullshit and how much the drugs were fucking me up! Hence why we've really pushed for a 'natural' FET. I've also switched my job in the past year, and am in a much more fulfilling role, I have a lot more responsibility and a lot more pressure, but Im surrounded by much nicer and better people and have a much more human boss! So whilst its more demanding and quite stressful its more manageable and makes me happier which in turn affects the fertility crap.
So anyway on to this cycle and how we led up to it. So over the past year I really have 'relaxed' Ive had a lot of fun, but also have looked after myself Ive ate well, exercised etc, and mentally felt like I was in a much better place. Ive also been doing homeopathy, and I really think that has also helped, it has helped me deal with the situation with my mother better, I still hate how ill she is and how she'll never be able to be a mother to me, but Im much more tolerant and more able to see the situation for what it is. Though i did break down today after speaking to her, as I just 'wanted my mum' I wanted to tell her how shit things are, and her to tell me it would be 'OK' you know like most people do...like most people probably take for granted...picking up the phone to your mum telling her you'd had a bad day, or better yet going around for a cuppa and a hug....well I can't do that..and it breaks my heart that I can't!! :(
Anyway Im digressing....so the homeopathy has really helped me emotionally, but also has helped me have more regular cycles they're still very long, ranging from 35-45 days but still they're there! And I even experienced PMT for the first time, and also having pretty much a river somedays of cerival mucus!! Now wtf is that all about?! Who'd have thought Id be happy at some days having a little puddle in my panties!! I never thought I had an issue there, I've never had dryness during sex or anything, or at least I didn't think I did, but my goodness now I certainly don't have an issue!!! Sorry TMI!!!!! But something that is important fertility wise, which Id underestimated!
Anyways also along with the homeopathy Im taking a herbal remedy called angus castus, it was recommended to me by my boss who also has PCOS who swears it helped her conceive, though the warning label states not to take if TTC or pregnant! But theres lots of evidence to suggest it can actually be helpful and even help with thickening womb lining, which as you know is one of my biggest problems. Im also taking a multivitimin called 'proceive' which also contains inositol, which also is great for PCOS and fertility....so I really am trying!! Therefore I really wanted to see what would happen for me in a natural cycle, as that has never really been truly tried. The clinic have tried to fob me off stating they tried it last Jan, however that was straight after 2 rounds of drugs and they didn't take into account my natural cycle, so Im not counting that! So the clinic are very unhopeful that a natural cycle will work for me, they're pretty adamant that I need drugs.....Ive been so hopeful and positive leading up to this, so has DH, and I really don't trust this clinic and their protocols, they're very old school, have a pretty crappy success rate, and just aren't very willing to deviate off protocol despite evidence. So its very frustrating! But our finances are quite poor, we have no savings and a fair bit of dept from living quite freely in our 20s, house expenses, uni degree etc and the bank of mum and dad unfortunately does not exist for us, so it would be a case of getting a loan if we got accepted if we went private. Logisitcally its also difficult, our closest decent clinic is 2 hours each way, so would mean taking time off work for each appt. Both our bosses are very understanding, but its not ideal. So it really does make financial and logistic sense to stick with our current clinic, as we have not yet made it to transfer, we still have 2 attempts left, so we would be silly not to take them, especially with a natural cycle, however we are concerned at what the cost might be to my health if we go for a medicated cycle with them...
But anyway lets not get to far ahead and talk about this current cycle. So I am currently on day 24, for most normal people that would mean AF would be looming! However that is not the case for me. I had my first scan at 10 days, had a womb lining of 4.6mm but no dominant follicle. Well thats kind of OK as was not expecting it yet as knew it would probably be far too early for me. However what we weren't expecting was the poor attitude of the sonographer and the nurse at the clinic!! The sonographer was about 45 mins late which is very normal for her! And just rude throughout! Absolutely no dignity or even humanity! Then the nurse...well she's a lot to be desired! Her first comment 'well you're not doing much are you!?!' in an abrupt sarcastic tone! She also said it was highly unlikely that this would work and would prob need drugs, we had to push for her to agree to rescan us. So that they did, at day 18 this time, a much nicer sonographer this time, much more thorough, though a lot less comfortable! However again no dominant follicle but womb lining had grown to 5.5mm, so 'not negative but not positive' as the rude nurse told us, and she apologised that we would need to come back for another scan, 'but it is what we want' she told us with a sarcastic undertone. So that third scan was today, we both went in feeling quite positive again, I was almost certain that there would be a dominant follicle this time, as around about this time is when I think I probably ovulate, just from tracking my symptoms myself. However we got in there and NOPE!!! Still no fucking dominant follicle and the worst bit my womb lining has actually reduced!! Im now at fucking 5mm!!! WTF?!?! My eyes filled with tears whilst we awaited the nurse to tell us that she would need to speak with the consultant to advise the next step, she was actually nice to us today, thats generally not a good sign! So off we went, feeling pissed off and fed up and awaited the dreaded phonecall.......well a different nurse called and to our disbelief they have agreed to scan me one more time, this time in a further 10 days...so this will be make or break.....
SO I guess its not all bad, its not quite game over yet, but I really don't know how much more of this I can take...we'd forgotten the heart ache, we'd forgotten the 'building ourselves up, being positive' to then go in there and having it all knocked out of you in a heartbeat. Why is it not straight forward?? Why is it so hard?? We seem to have acquired several infertile friends, I love them all to bits, and we have all been a great support for each other, but none of them seem to have been as complicated and getting nowhere fast than us, in fact all have them have had transfers and gone right through a cycle, not all had BFPs but at least they have had the opportunity. Not that I want any of them to experience what we have of course I don't, and some of them have been through awful experiences, but I just wish we could at least get to the point of transfer!
I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take.....
Showing posts with label conceive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conceive. Show all posts
Monday, 4 February 2019
Sunday, 7 May 2017
Nervously Excited
So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
ICSI Cycle #1
So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.
So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;
So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;
- both young, fit and healthy
- D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
- I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus
So in we went feeling extremely hopeful!
My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.
I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units.
After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation???
On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive.
On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS.
I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!
Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????
Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!
So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.
We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........
B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....
That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???
So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)
However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!
So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol!
However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over!
If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!
Thursday, 24 November 2016
The Start of Our Infertility Jouney
So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....
So a little history.....
I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!
Well....
Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.
Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.
I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.
We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)
After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.
December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.
From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.
We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.
We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!). The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.
Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!
So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......
October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.
The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!
The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed, it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.
So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....
So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.
So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!
'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!
So a little history.....
I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!
Well....
Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.
Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.
I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.
We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)
After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.
December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.
From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.
We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.
We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!). The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.
Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!
So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......
October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.
The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!
The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed, it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.
So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....
So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.
So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!
'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!
Sunday, 11 September 2016
Fight Club!!!
Fight Club!!!!
Haha!!! OMG!!! Infertility so is fight club!!
I am so happy that I have found the world of infertility bloggers, bloody hell there are a lot of us! I just wish I had found it a year ago when I first started on this journey, and felt very alone!
So anyway tonight I have been reading a few blogs, and have noted a few people have likened the fertility clinic to fight club, and OMG they are so right!! The first rule; you do not talk about it, the second rule; you do not talk about it! So fucking true!!
It is such a funny place, it does make me chuckle inappropriately inside everytime I go in, and it appears the clinics across the country and across the pond are all the same!
And so not what I was expecting, I was expecting lesbians, fat people, old people, sugar daddys and slutty 20yr olds! But no far from it, lots are like me! Lots of youngish couples, late 20s/early 30s in loving relationships, who are probably like us, married nice people, fit and 'healthy' have a career and done things the sensible way around only to then be fucked over by the fertility fairy, who has decided to deny you the one thing you want most in the world, and make you go to fight club!!
You also do NOT under any circumstances talk to anyone in the waiting room, you do NOT sideways smile at them, you do NOT give a reassuring grin, you stare at the wall, the floor anything to not catch anyones eye! I made that mistake back when I was a newbie, I often make that mistake to be fair, it is second nature for me to smile at people, I am often known for my 'smile' my 'grin' but what people often don't realise is that it is often also my mask. Though not always, believe it or not I am a very positive person, I ALWAYS look on the 'brightside' and always try to find the positive in a situation, so rarely do I let things get the better of me and let my mask slip, though this infertility shit is really fucking me off and the mask has slipped on occasion.
Haha!!! OMG!!! Infertility so is fight club!!
I am so happy that I have found the world of infertility bloggers, bloody hell there are a lot of us! I just wish I had found it a year ago when I first started on this journey, and felt very alone!
So anyway tonight I have been reading a few blogs, and have noted a few people have likened the fertility clinic to fight club, and OMG they are so right!! The first rule; you do not talk about it, the second rule; you do not talk about it! So fucking true!!
It is such a funny place, it does make me chuckle inappropriately inside everytime I go in, and it appears the clinics across the country and across the pond are all the same!
And so not what I was expecting, I was expecting lesbians, fat people, old people, sugar daddys and slutty 20yr olds! But no far from it, lots are like me! Lots of youngish couples, late 20s/early 30s in loving relationships, who are probably like us, married nice people, fit and 'healthy' have a career and done things the sensible way around only to then be fucked over by the fertility fairy, who has decided to deny you the one thing you want most in the world, and make you go to fight club!!
You also do NOT under any circumstances talk to anyone in the waiting room, you do NOT sideways smile at them, you do NOT give a reassuring grin, you stare at the wall, the floor anything to not catch anyones eye! I made that mistake back when I was a newbie, I often make that mistake to be fair, it is second nature for me to smile at people, I am often known for my 'smile' my 'grin' but what people often don't realise is that it is often also my mask. Though not always, believe it or not I am a very positive person, I ALWAYS look on the 'brightside' and always try to find the positive in a situation, so rarely do I let things get the better of me and let my mask slip, though this infertility shit is really fucking me off and the mask has slipped on occasion.
Friday, 9 September 2016
Are You Pregnant??
Wow!!
So today I visited my Mum....now for most people especially in my position, visiting your Mum would be a pleasant experience, perhaps even a comforting one. However for me it is rarely this!
My Mum suffers with bipolar and many other issues, she is very unkempt and so is her house.
I havent seen her in a few weeks, for this I feel guilty. I have a younger sister who now takes a lot more responsibility for our Mum, however for years it was mainly me. My sister has been amazing through my TTC journey, she has taken on a lot more. My Mum has never really been my mum, our roles have been very much reversed, I have a few fond memories of being a young child and her doing nice mother-daughter things with us, but these have been tarnished with sad memories of the devastating things we have had to witness with thanks to her illness.
Anyway currently my Mum is morbidly obese has difficulty holding a conversation, is unable to work, and has difficulty performing a lot of daily tasks, hence the need for me and my sister to care for her and assist her in many ways, however I have not been as responsible as my sister lately. I never look forward to seeing my Mum, I always come away feeling angry/annoyed/empty and then an overwhelming feeling of guilt for having these feelings towards my Mum. These issues also contribute to my overwhelming desire to be a Mother myself and ensure that NO WAY will my child ever have these feelings towards me, or have to deal with the things me and my sister have had to.
Anyway the majority of people in my position most probably turn to their mum, and have their Mum as their shoulder to cry on, I do not....I cannot....
She knows a little, she knows we are 'trying' but have a few issues so are having IVF (we are actually having ICSI, but there is no point trying to explain that). So anyway, my point...what I wanted to rant about today was the conversation I was met with......'Are you pregnant?' my Mum says to me, I of course am not, 'No Mum' is my reply, 'Oh...' she replies with a chuckle, 'why do I look it?' I ask (I am slightly overweight, and carry most of my weight around my stomach, something which I am extremely sensitive about, and is a symptom of PCOS) 'yes u do a bit' another chuckle, I do not know what to say, and then....then...this is the killer........'I bet you wish you were?!'
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?! OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!!!! ITS ALL I FUCKING WISH!!!! Was the response in my head, and the response that would have come out of my mouth to most people.......however to my mum my response was 'Yes I do, anyway what did you have for lunch?' As I cannot be honest with my mum, I know there was absolutely no point in venting my frustration at what she just said, as she has absolutely no malice in her body, she would be devastated if she knew she upset me, and I cannot challenge her or let her know she has upset me, for fear of her being sent into another psychotic episode, so I dont....I carried on conversation whilst sipping on my waitrose coffee (I will not eat or drink at her house, and an upside to seeing her she lives very close to waitrose!) Fighting back the tears and putting on my signature 'smile' which I have mastered the art of using to cover up my real feelings.
I left 'smiling' but cried in the car on the way home and rang and vented to my sister. All the while, feeling upset and pissed off at what was said, then angry and disspaointed with myself at having such negative feelings towards my Mum, but anyway as I said earlier my child will NEVER feel like this about me!
I am half way through writing a blog about my fertility journey so far, but keep finding myself needing to rant!! It will happen, I will post that soon!!
Anyway until the next rant...........
So today I visited my Mum....now for most people especially in my position, visiting your Mum would be a pleasant experience, perhaps even a comforting one. However for me it is rarely this!
My Mum suffers with bipolar and many other issues, she is very unkempt and so is her house.
I havent seen her in a few weeks, for this I feel guilty. I have a younger sister who now takes a lot more responsibility for our Mum, however for years it was mainly me. My sister has been amazing through my TTC journey, she has taken on a lot more. My Mum has never really been my mum, our roles have been very much reversed, I have a few fond memories of being a young child and her doing nice mother-daughter things with us, but these have been tarnished with sad memories of the devastating things we have had to witness with thanks to her illness.
Anyway currently my Mum is morbidly obese has difficulty holding a conversation, is unable to work, and has difficulty performing a lot of daily tasks, hence the need for me and my sister to care for her and assist her in many ways, however I have not been as responsible as my sister lately. I never look forward to seeing my Mum, I always come away feeling angry/annoyed/empty and then an overwhelming feeling of guilt for having these feelings towards my Mum. These issues also contribute to my overwhelming desire to be a Mother myself and ensure that NO WAY will my child ever have these feelings towards me, or have to deal with the things me and my sister have had to.
Anyway the majority of people in my position most probably turn to their mum, and have their Mum as their shoulder to cry on, I do not....I cannot....
She knows a little, she knows we are 'trying' but have a few issues so are having IVF (we are actually having ICSI, but there is no point trying to explain that). So anyway, my point...what I wanted to rant about today was the conversation I was met with......'Are you pregnant?' my Mum says to me, I of course am not, 'No Mum' is my reply, 'Oh...' she replies with a chuckle, 'why do I look it?' I ask (I am slightly overweight, and carry most of my weight around my stomach, something which I am extremely sensitive about, and is a symptom of PCOS) 'yes u do a bit' another chuckle, I do not know what to say, and then....then...this is the killer........'I bet you wish you were?!'
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?! OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!!!! ITS ALL I FUCKING WISH!!!! Was the response in my head, and the response that would have come out of my mouth to most people.......however to my mum my response was 'Yes I do, anyway what did you have for lunch?' As I cannot be honest with my mum, I know there was absolutely no point in venting my frustration at what she just said, as she has absolutely no malice in her body, she would be devastated if she knew she upset me, and I cannot challenge her or let her know she has upset me, for fear of her being sent into another psychotic episode, so I dont....I carried on conversation whilst sipping on my waitrose coffee (I will not eat or drink at her house, and an upside to seeing her she lives very close to waitrose!) Fighting back the tears and putting on my signature 'smile' which I have mastered the art of using to cover up my real feelings.
I left 'smiling' but cried in the car on the way home and rang and vented to my sister. All the while, feeling upset and pissed off at what was said, then angry and disspaointed with myself at having such negative feelings towards my Mum, but anyway as I said earlier my child will NEVER feel like this about me!
I am half way through writing a blog about my fertility journey so far, but keep finding myself needing to rant!! It will happen, I will post that soon!!
Anyway until the next rant...........
Saturday, 27 August 2016
That Friend..
Hello......
Well its been years since I wrote a blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think I'll do better this time!
TBH I'm not really hoping to get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!) apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!) this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent! Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!
I have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being 'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'
Well I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them! Something which I NEVER would have done at work!
Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!
I wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not! However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!
Anyway I most probably wont even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'
Well its been years since I wrote a blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think I'll do better this time!
TBH I'm not really hoping to get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!) apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!) this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent! Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!
I have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being 'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'
Well I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them! Something which I NEVER would have done at work!
Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!
I wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not! However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!
Anyway I most probably wont even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'
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