NFAW and a Podcast!

So this week it is 'National Fertility Awareness Week' or 'NFAW' here in the UK.

It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.

This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.

In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!

A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!

Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!

There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.

Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;

http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/

and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.

So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!

So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its'  another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!

Beginning FET cycle #2 and arse patterns

OK so its been almost 2 weeks since my last post!

And in that time several things have happened! I intended to blog last Tuesday after my first clinic appointment of this cycle, but it turned into a busy day and then I worked long shifts for the rest of the week.

So whats been happening you might ask?! Well....

AF arrived! She came on the Friday, but it was after 12 midday so I had to start the buserelin the following Sunday. I immediately felt crap!! I mean literally within an hour I had a pounding head, and felt nauseous. And throughout this past week Ive been feeling very emotional again, very fatigued, nauseous and the past few days really light headed/dizzy, as if I'm in some sort of fog, and almost not real, its a very hard feeling and very difficult to explain, and not particularly pleasant! Its been a difficult week, but also reassuring that Im pretty sure its the drugs making me so emotional, and depressed, as last week when I was not on any drugs I felt fine! I had so much more energy, felt much more positive, and just generally more 'me!'

So anyhow, Tuesday I had my first scan of this cycle, D wasn't there this time. I told him not to come.....I wish I hadn't! Though there was no major reason for him to be there, other than to hold my hand! We knew this would be a very routine scan it was just to check that my ovaries are clear and everything was good to start the estradiol, which with AF almost leaving again, and the effects I was feeling from the buserelin, I was pretty certain all would be OK.......and it was!!! D wanted to come as he always does, but he is just about to start his new promotion, and whilst his workplace are very good about him attending appointments, we didn't want to take the piss, when it was unnecessary. And as it turned out, all was well, so there really was no 'real need' for D to be there, but my God was it awful sitting in that waiting room all alone, surrounded by couples! Even though I was pretty certain I wouldn't be getting any bad news and this was routine, I missed him so much! I missed him holding my hand, reassuringly looking at me, making me laugh, and just generally being my rock! Maybe I shouldn't be so spoilt! Im sure plenty of women attend appointments alone, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to be! I really am so lucky to have D, thats one great positive with this whole fucked up situation it has definitely brought us closer, it really does either make or break you!

The sonographer woman, was her usual 'happy' self *sarcasm* but as there was not much to look for, it was thankfully pretty quick, I then had to await the plan from the nurse, which I already had an idea  on from our last appointment. It was however still a long wait, and there was another couple there who I met once before, back before our first cycle when we had to go for our injection technique teaching session. It was kind of odd as it was only the day before when shopping in Sainsbury's Im sure I saw the husband of one of the other couples, which then gave the passing thought of wandering how those other 3 couples are getting on, whether they got their BFPs??? Well anyway this other poor  couple hadn't yet, they were talking to someone and I was ear wigging a little, to hear this was their second FET, having 1 failed fresh and 1 failed FET, so meaning unfortunately living where we are, they are now paying! So its not just me/us still waiting, still on this shitty journey, eh?! So anyway on to the nurse bit.....fortunately it was nurse K, now she is lovely, so much nicer than the other nurse, and actually shows some compassion and takes the time to answer questions. She told me I now had to go home take 4 estradiol pills each day, and also later an estradiol patch. Now the patches are 'fun' again *sarcasm! Not sure if anyone else finds this? But they are bloody uncomfortable! They really irritate my skin, and due to them needing to be on my arse, and the logistics of placing them there, D has to do them for me, he is having great pleasure in designing a pattern on my arse with them! Haha!

So as I said earlier nurse K is great at answering questions, and actually explained the process to me, so on the Tues I commence, patches and pills, I then have a scan Fri of this coming week, so 10 days later. If my womb lining is looking good, I will then stop the buserelin on the Sunday and start progesterone pessaries/suppositories, and the embryologists will thaw the embryos on the Monday, with the aim of culturing them on until the Friday, when they will hopefully, fingers crossed, implant one.

So I have seen my lovely acupuncturist once and plan on seeing her again on Tuesday, am also eating and drinking all the wonderful things I did last cycle. I am also back at work, and trying not to go sick to early this time, last cycle I had a month off, but I really did need it, I was in such a dark place then. I could almost let myself be again this cycle, I can feel it within me, I can feel that burn in my stomach, that dark cloud in my head, but I am fighting it, Im fighting it hard, and trying my upmost to not let it consume me. However it certainly hasn't been easy! It hasn't been easy at work either, lots of silly politics, which are really not helpful right now! I try my best to stay out of it, but I really do love my job, and I find it hard not to get frustrated and stressed by things in the office, but Im TRYING!!! Ive also had to deal with a few insensitive people too, people who I thought cared, but hey, forget them! I have sooooooo many good people in my life who really do care, I seriously don't need the ones who don't! Their loss eh?!

So thats pretty much it, thats where I am, I would like to say Im feeling positive, Im trying to be, I really am, but having been on this journey for so long, knowing what it entails, and the constant heartbreak we have endured, the hope I had is seriously diminishing, and that really isn't me, I am usually so optimistic, and on face I am, I am still wearing that signature smile, making people think that 'I'm OK' but really deep down, there is minimal hope left :( But hey, I guess we gotta just watch this space!





In other news, I am quite liking the idea of reviewing some things?! Anyone have any thoughts? The first item I want to review is a diary called Daily Greatness Journal it is quite expensive at £39.99 but it is huge! And for someone who is a stationary nerd and likes to be organised it really appeals. It has a weekly planner and is designed to be positive and instil good habits. It is not dated so can be started at any time, however Im going to wait until January, there is just something about starting a diary on the 1st of January :) So once I do and I have used it for a while I will of course do a more comprehensive review. In the meantime if anyone wishes to purchase, you can use this code to get 5% off RAF5UK

FET cycle #1 = FAIL

So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........

So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.

So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......

And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!

On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....

Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!

Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!

So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.

So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!' 

After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this??? 

Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.

So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/

I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!

Does being positive actually get you anywhere????

So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.

Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.

So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........

D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.

I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.

So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!

And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.

I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....

How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.

I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.

More Waiting....

So 5 days later and another scan.....

So this time it was a much more pleasant experience, well I'm not sure pleasant is the right word, I don't think someone shoving something up your foo, in a non romantic way is ever really pleasant! But none the less, it was much less awful! And that was because it was a different sonographer, whoop whoop!!! And my goodness what a difference! She stood behind the curtain to allow me to get undressed in private, she checked my D.O.B, she showed interest when I was telling her about all the interesting things I've been eating, and what a difference it makes just to be met by a smile and some dignity, it may seem small, but actually to the patient, it makes a huge difference. A lot of my anxiety lately have been surrounding clinic appointments and the awful staff we sometimes come across. Speaking of things I have been eating, last week following off loading on my blog post, I went raging down to sainsbury's, with the mentality of 'fuck you nurse, bloody well tell me there is nothing I can do to help thicken my lining' well this is what I came back with......

So at least no one can say I didn't try!! Ive also been using some of the recipes from the Emma Cannon book 'Fertile' Ive only briefly looked at it so far, but what I have seen and cooked has been delicious! Im also planning on spending some time this eve/tomorrow (depending on how I feel) batch cooking a load of soups, was hoping it would be for the 2ww but.....

This mornings appointment wasn't all good news, I went in with high hopes today, I have been resting, eating right (see above pic), using warm compress etc, but nope! Thats still not enough! My effing body really does like to play games! However its not terrible, my lining is 6mm at its biggest some areas are 5.5mm, so no transfer this week :( FET was originally planned for Wed. Today we were told this by a nice young nurse, who actually showed some compassion and concern at how emotional I have been, though she gave me reassurance that it is all normal with buserelin, unfortunately I seem to be very sensitive to the side effects, so we were sent home to await a call following a discussion with the consultant.

We left the hospital, D went back to work, I went to see my Mum, who surprisingly was actually quite supportive and concerned by the situation, I then went to see my Gran who I expected to be more supportive than my mum, but to my surprise really didn't seem to understand the situation, she did express her concern for me, but this was more towards the end of the visit, after spending about 30 mins of hearing her bitch about my mum! This has been a constant battle for years, my Gran is awesome, she really is an incredible lady who has been through some horrific times, but she seriously does not understand mental illness, and is really not understanding of my mum (her daughter) its a vicious cycle and a complex situation, so I shall not bore with the details on the blog, it is just another one of those situations which makes the whole infertility bullshit even harder to deal with.

Throughout both visits I had in the back of my head, what will they do now?? Will they continue maybe increase the oestrogen??? Or will they abandon??? Each time I come away still not knowing, forgetting to ask, what happens? what is the protocol???? Will they just keep going?? Keep pushing until my lining is thick enough??? Or is it like when they go for EC, and when not responding, they abandon??? Again no one has told us.....no surprises there!!

However, whilst at my Grans I received a phonecall.........and.........PHEW!!!! They are not going to abandon, I had to go back to the clinic to get some oestrogen patches, to use in addition to the pills and buserelin, and then return to the clinic on Friday for a scan, so again.......

..... WE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

FET Cycle Meltdown #1

Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!

Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!

So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....

So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.

So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!

So anyway moving on.....

The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!

So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)

So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.

So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!

Preparing for FET

So here we go again!!!!!

This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!

So whats been going on since the last blog.....

Well quite a lot!

My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.

In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.

Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!

So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!

On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.

So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.

Nervously Excited

So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......

......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!

Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!

And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.

So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one,  I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O

Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.



My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.

This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.

Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!

So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!

I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!

Third Time Lucky!

So I am terrible at this whole blogging thing!!! Its been 2 months!! Ooops!!

Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)

I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot!  And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!

The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.

So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!

I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!

A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!

So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.

So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!