Nervously Excited

So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......

......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!

Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!

And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.

So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one,  I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O

Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.



My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.

This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.

Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!

So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!

I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!

In Limbo, acupuncture, and so called friends.

So its been a while....Ive been on and off twitter lately....

TBH I've been on and off life!

I have been so up and down, Ive even questioned as to whether I'm bi-polar or something? I'm not, I know I'm not! Though it is one of my greatest fears, my Mum is....my Grandad was.....:o
So I do always fear, but I am 30 now, and been through a lot of things, people haven't experienced by the time they're 60. So I'm guessing if it was going to it would have happened, or there would have been signs by now?? I discussed with it my husband, and hes been feeling the same as me, so we've come to the conclusion its environmental! Studies suggest that IVF/ICSI can be as stressful as cancer, and you know what, I can quite believe that!! But how can you say that to people?! People...unless they have been through IVF/ICSI they don't get it, some try, some don't, but don't think many would accept its as stressful as cancer!

This leads me to todays rant, Ive said this many times before, I have a lot of friends, to which I am very grateful. Most are wonderful, some not so much, and this journey certainly either brings them closer or pushes them away. There are a few though, not sure if anyone else experiences it, but those friends who seem to be absolutely incredible in a crisis, when things go wrong, you're feeling a mess, they are there, there in a heartbeat, and amazing at that moment in time, though what they don't seem to realise, is that next day, that next time they see me, when I seem 'OK' I have my wall up, my fake but believable smile, underneath I am actually still not 'OK,' and I still need them, I need them to be normal, I need them to do those normal fun things, but they don't, they think I'm fine so they walk away they leave me to it, which then makes me feel alone. But those friends seem to want to be around when I'm sad and in a crisis, but when I'm happy, silly or even drunk, they don't want to know or they even push me away! But surely I must be nicer to be around, when I'm my usual happy, positive self?! I just don't get it!!! Answers on a postcard please!!!

But anyway my last post I was feeling more positive.....well....I can be....some days!!! But I'm still getting those bastard negative days! I think those bastard hormones are still playing havoc! I'm still in limbo, we're still in Limbo, me and D.

I think that's whats so frustrating that uncertainty, the unknown, that limbo! But hopefully we'll have some answers soon, we have an appointment with the consultant next week, 14th Feb, our 7yr wedding anniversary! Hopefully that will bring us some luck :o

In the mean time Ive been trying to be pro active, Ive been having acupuncture, Ive had 3 sessions so far, and I Love it!! I feel amazing after, so chilled and calm, Ive been sleeping better since and no more hot flushes (MY GOD THEY SUCK!!!!). Though I still haven't seen AF, I am now on day 65 of my cycle!!!!! What the F is going on there?!?! My acupuncturist is lovely, and is in a very remote peaceful location however has been quite unreliable, so tomorrow I am going to a traditional chinese acupuncturist, kinda nervous, kinda excited!!

Anyway hopefully will have some updates and less limbo talk soon!

Merry Fucking Christmas!!

Well.....so Christmas....its come and gone!

Usually I love Christmas..but this year we didn't get what we want, we're still sitting here, childless and feeling pretty hopeless! So it was crap!

We had decided a while back that we wanted to spend Christmas just the 2 of us, but oh my did it cause issues! Surprisingly not with my family, my family actually got it! But Ds family really didn't, his mum got quite upset, and his brother has been awkward, so so awkward! But hey ho thats another story! However its been most unhelpful, especially for D, its really upset him, and its just not fair! Familys eh?!

Anyway this one still loves us, and helped put a forced smile on our faces.....

So anyway where are we now.....well nowhere, and thats just how it feels, we're fucking nowhere!!! We're in that limbo, after failing ICSI and IUI to waiting...oh that wait, thats all to familiar in the land of infertility! Though this time its different, its harder, why?! Well who knows, we couldn't tell you! Maybe its this maybe its that, theres oh so many maybes!! But I think the biggest thing is, the IUI just raised our hopes so much and then the fall was harder, so much harder. Its been several weeks now, but Im still crying most days, particularly when I wake and when I go to sleep, and the hot flushes they're still coming particularly at night, though I had the last decopeptyl (down regulator) beginning of November, so would have expected that to stop?!! And D, he's really struggling, which I think is whats hurting me the most, I cant stand to see him heartbroken, I love him so much and to see him hurting, hurts me!

However I have tried to be pro active, I have booked in for acupuncture on the 9th Jan, Ive heard good things....Ive also bought a book '8 steps to reverse your PCOS' so.....we'll see! Ive also been looking into adoption, thinking it might help, but it hasn't! I was very against the idea, I was in the camp of 'if we cant have a biological child, then we'll just be those people who have lots of holidays and dogs!' But D wasn't he had adoption on his radar, and the idea has grown on me, so needing to know my options I looked into it, but due to my asshole father and my bi-polar mother it complicates things! It will be another horrendous heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster, that right now I don't know that I can handle. But hey I'm probably getting ahead of myself, lets await the next plans from the clinic and hope that with the acupuncture ICSI might work?!

Then theres my friends, I have many, but through this journey, some have become distant, some have become closer, which is most probably down to me, I push people away, I put on my smile and people think Im fine, though some have realised Im not and have become closer, but still people don't quite get it they don't quite get me! I don't ask for help, I may subtly...you know...' do u fancy a cuppa?' 'dog walk' 'lunch' when really Im saying, HELP I need a friend! But I cant do that! Why cant I? Im the first to drop everything and go when my friends need me, but my friends often let me down, though they think they are just letting me down on 'a cuppa.'

Anyway until next time.......

The Start of Our Infertility Jouney

So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....


So a little history.....

I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!

Well....

Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.

Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.

I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.

We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)

After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.

December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.

From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.

We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.

We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!).  The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.

Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!

So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......

October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.

The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!

The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed,  it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.

So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....

So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.

So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!

'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!