I went to see a Homeopath!!!

Well there are a few updates to be had! Lots been going on! Most reasonably positive. Life has been very busy these past few months, a blessing and a curse. I really don't know where this year has gone! Its great in one way as theres been so much to think about other than the infertility shite! Some good, such as starting my new job, its been stressful, and have soooooo much responsibility, but I get to work from home a lot and have a really supportive lovely boss. The environment is much healthier too, much more professional and incredibly less toxic compared to my previous workplace. It has taken leaving my previous place to make me realise that in fact it wasn't me being too oversensitive at all, it was an awful place, a toxic environment and detrimental to my mental wellbeing! I didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much it was impacting on me until I left. Theres also lots been going on with my mum, she's had some ups and downs, and me and my sister now have an LPA for her, which means even more responsibility for us! So things have been busy, and like I said time has just flown by, but it makes me said that we're still no where close to having the family we so desire :( And really sad that I don't have the support of my mum or any parent for that matter.

So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........

SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked,  that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!

She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???

So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.

So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!

Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

FET cycle #2 FAIL!!

So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!

So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.

So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(

I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!

Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.

This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!

I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.

Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.

So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(

NFAW and a Podcast!

So this week it is 'National Fertility Awareness Week' or 'NFAW' here in the UK.

It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.

This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.

In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!

A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!

Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!

There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.

Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;

http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/

and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.

So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!

So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its'  another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!

A bit of normality.....

So its now a week since we had our FET cycle cancelled.

I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??

So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!

So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.

Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!

Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!

I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.

So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.

So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!

FET cycle #1 = FAIL

So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........

So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.

So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......

And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!

On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....

Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!

Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!

So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.

So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!' 

After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this??? 

Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.

So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/

I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!

Does being positive actually get you anywhere????

So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.

Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.

So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........

D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.

I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.

So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!

And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.

I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....

How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.

I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.

A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

Preparing for FET

So here we go again!!!!!

This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!

So whats been going on since the last blog.....

Well quite a lot!

My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.

In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.

Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!

So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!

On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.

So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.

In Limbo, acupuncture, and so called friends.

So its been a while....Ive been on and off twitter lately....

TBH I've been on and off life!

I have been so up and down, Ive even questioned as to whether I'm bi-polar or something? I'm not, I know I'm not! Though it is one of my greatest fears, my Mum is....my Grandad was.....:o
So I do always fear, but I am 30 now, and been through a lot of things, people haven't experienced by the time they're 60. So I'm guessing if it was going to it would have happened, or there would have been signs by now?? I discussed with it my husband, and hes been feeling the same as me, so we've come to the conclusion its environmental! Studies suggest that IVF/ICSI can be as stressful as cancer, and you know what, I can quite believe that!! But how can you say that to people?! People...unless they have been through IVF/ICSI they don't get it, some try, some don't, but don't think many would accept its as stressful as cancer!

This leads me to todays rant, Ive said this many times before, I have a lot of friends, to which I am very grateful. Most are wonderful, some not so much, and this journey certainly either brings them closer or pushes them away. There are a few though, not sure if anyone else experiences it, but those friends who seem to be absolutely incredible in a crisis, when things go wrong, you're feeling a mess, they are there, there in a heartbeat, and amazing at that moment in time, though what they don't seem to realise, is that next day, that next time they see me, when I seem 'OK' I have my wall up, my fake but believable smile, underneath I am actually still not 'OK,' and I still need them, I need them to be normal, I need them to do those normal fun things, but they don't, they think I'm fine so they walk away they leave me to it, which then makes me feel alone. But those friends seem to want to be around when I'm sad and in a crisis, but when I'm happy, silly or even drunk, they don't want to know or they even push me away! But surely I must be nicer to be around, when I'm my usual happy, positive self?! I just don't get it!!! Answers on a postcard please!!!

But anyway my last post I was feeling more positive.....well....I can be....some days!!! But I'm still getting those bastard negative days! I think those bastard hormones are still playing havoc! I'm still in limbo, we're still in Limbo, me and D.

I think that's whats so frustrating that uncertainty, the unknown, that limbo! But hopefully we'll have some answers soon, we have an appointment with the consultant next week, 14th Feb, our 7yr wedding anniversary! Hopefully that will bring us some luck :o

In the mean time Ive been trying to be pro active, Ive been having acupuncture, Ive had 3 sessions so far, and I Love it!! I feel amazing after, so chilled and calm, Ive been sleeping better since and no more hot flushes (MY GOD THEY SUCK!!!!). Though I still haven't seen AF, I am now on day 65 of my cycle!!!!! What the F is going on there?!?! My acupuncturist is lovely, and is in a very remote peaceful location however has been quite unreliable, so tomorrow I am going to a traditional chinese acupuncturist, kinda nervous, kinda excited!!

Anyway hopefully will have some updates and less limbo talk soon!

New Year New Positivity

So it is the first day of 2017.....

It is safe to say that 2016 was pretty crap!! Well it was pretty crap not just for me but much of the world! So much crazy stuff happened, the universe was certainly out of balance!

But it wasnt all bad, there were some positives, we moved to a bigger house in a nice neighbourhood, close to work, close to friends and family etc. Had some lovely breaks away, lots of nice trips with friends etc.

Im not sure what it is, whats happened or why, but all of a sudden I can see some light, I feel more myself and more able to think positively. I havent cried for 2 days now!! Seems silly but thats a huge achievement compared to lately! My smile feels more real, though dont get me wrong the pain is still there, if I think about the last year, if I think to much about what we dont have, and what more we have to go through, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that pain in my heart, but I am more able to block it out, I am more able to think positive.

I have had a few good night shifts at work the past few days, I have actually slept! The hot flushes have lessened, and am just feeling more ME!

Maybe its that whole new year, new start thing?! Who knows! But I'm going with it! Im starting a fresh, am looking forward to acupuncture, reading my PCOS book, thinking more postively, eating more healthily and being thankful for the good things I have; my wonderful D, my amazing sister, and fantastic friends, having a job I love, a stupid labrador, and a house with so much potential.

So heres to 2017! Hopefully a better year, with a better ending!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!

Much Love xox

Merry Fucking Christmas!!

Well.....so Christmas....its come and gone!

Usually I love Christmas..but this year we didn't get what we want, we're still sitting here, childless and feeling pretty hopeless! So it was crap!

We had decided a while back that we wanted to spend Christmas just the 2 of us, but oh my did it cause issues! Surprisingly not with my family, my family actually got it! But Ds family really didn't, his mum got quite upset, and his brother has been awkward, so so awkward! But hey ho thats another story! However its been most unhelpful, especially for D, its really upset him, and its just not fair! Familys eh?!

Anyway this one still loves us, and helped put a forced smile on our faces.....

So anyway where are we now.....well nowhere, and thats just how it feels, we're fucking nowhere!!! We're in that limbo, after failing ICSI and IUI to waiting...oh that wait, thats all to familiar in the land of infertility! Though this time its different, its harder, why?! Well who knows, we couldn't tell you! Maybe its this maybe its that, theres oh so many maybes!! But I think the biggest thing is, the IUI just raised our hopes so much and then the fall was harder, so much harder. Its been several weeks now, but Im still crying most days, particularly when I wake and when I go to sleep, and the hot flushes they're still coming particularly at night, though I had the last decopeptyl (down regulator) beginning of November, so would have expected that to stop?!! And D, he's really struggling, which I think is whats hurting me the most, I cant stand to see him heartbroken, I love him so much and to see him hurting, hurts me!

However I have tried to be pro active, I have booked in for acupuncture on the 9th Jan, Ive heard good things....Ive also bought a book '8 steps to reverse your PCOS' so.....we'll see! Ive also been looking into adoption, thinking it might help, but it hasn't! I was very against the idea, I was in the camp of 'if we cant have a biological child, then we'll just be those people who have lots of holidays and dogs!' But D wasn't he had adoption on his radar, and the idea has grown on me, so needing to know my options I looked into it, but due to my asshole father and my bi-polar mother it complicates things! It will be another horrendous heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster, that right now I don't know that I can handle. But hey I'm probably getting ahead of myself, lets await the next plans from the clinic and hope that with the acupuncture ICSI might work?!

Then theres my friends, I have many, but through this journey, some have become distant, some have become closer, which is most probably down to me, I push people away, I put on my smile and people think Im fine, though some have realised Im not and have become closer, but still people don't quite get it they don't quite get me! I don't ask for help, I may subtly...you know...' do u fancy a cuppa?' 'dog walk' 'lunch' when really Im saying, HELP I need a friend! But I cant do that! Why cant I? Im the first to drop everything and go when my friends need me, but my friends often let me down, though they think they are just letting me down on 'a cuppa.'

Anyway until next time.......

ICSI Cycle #1

So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.

So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;

• both young, fit and healthy
• D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
• I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus

So in we went feeling extremely hopeful! 

My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.

I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units. 

After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation??? 

On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive. 

On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS. 

I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!

Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????

Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!

So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.

We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........

B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....

That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???

So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)

However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!

So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol! 

However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over! 

If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!

The Start of Our Infertility Jouney

So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....


So a little history.....

I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!

Well....

Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.

Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.

I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.

We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)

After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.

December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.

From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.

We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.

We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!).  The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.

Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!

So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......

October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.

The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!

The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed,  it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.

So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....

So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.

So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!

'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!

Are You Pregnant??

Wow!!

So today I visited my Mum....now for most people especially in my position, visiting your Mum would be a pleasant experience, perhaps even a comforting one. However for me it is rarely this!

My Mum suffers with bipolar and many other issues, she is very unkempt and so is her house.

I havent seen her in a few weeks, for this I feel guilty. I have a younger sister who now takes a lot more responsibility for our Mum, however for years it was mainly me. My sister has been amazing through my TTC journey, she has taken on a lot more. My Mum has never really been my mum, our roles have been very much reversed, I have a few fond memories of being a young child and her doing nice mother-daughter things with us, but these have been tarnished with sad memories of the devastating things we have had to witness with thanks to her illness.

Anyway currently my Mum is morbidly obese has difficulty holding a conversation, is unable to work, and has difficulty performing a lot of daily tasks, hence the need for me and my sister to care for her and assist her in many ways, however I have not been as responsible as my sister lately. I never look forward to seeing my Mum, I always come away feeling angry/annoyed/empty and then an overwhelming feeling of guilt for having these feelings towards my Mum. These issues also contribute to my overwhelming desire to be a Mother myself and ensure that NO WAY will my child ever have these feelings towards me, or have to deal with the things me and my sister have had to.

Anyway the majority of people in my position most probably turn to their mum, and have their Mum as their shoulder to cry on, I do not....I cannot....

She knows a little, she knows we are 'trying' but have a few issues so are having IVF (we are actually having ICSI, but there is no point trying to explain that). So anyway, my point...what I wanted to rant about today was the conversation I was met with......'Are you pregnant?' my Mum says to me, I of course am not, 'No Mum' is my reply, 'Oh...' she replies with a chuckle, 'why do I look it?' I ask (I am slightly overweight, and carry most of my weight around my stomach, something which I am extremely sensitive about, and is a symptom of PCOS) 'yes u do a bit' another chuckle, I do not know what to say, and then....then...this is the killer........'I bet you wish you were?!'

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?! OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!!!! ITS ALL I FUCKING WISH!!!!  Was the response in my head, and the response that would have come out of my mouth to most people.......however to my mum my response was 'Yes I do, anyway what did you have for lunch?' As I cannot be honest with my mum, I know there was absolutely no point in venting my frustration at what she just said, as she has absolutely no malice in her body, she would be devastated if she knew she upset me, and I cannot challenge her or let her know she has upset me, for fear of her being sent into another psychotic episode, so I dont....I carried on conversation whilst sipping on my waitrose coffee (I will not eat or drink at her house, and an upside to seeing her she lives very close to waitrose!) Fighting back the tears and putting on my signature 'smile' which I have mastered the art of using to cover up my real feelings.

I left 'smiling' but cried in the car on the way home and rang and vented to my sister. All the while, feeling upset and pissed off at what was said, then angry and disspaointed with myself at having such negative feelings towards my Mum, but anyway as I said earlier my child will NEVER feel like this about me!

I am half way through writing a blog about my fertility journey so far, but keep finding myself needing to rant!! It will happen, I will post that soon!!

Anyway until the next rant...........

That Friend..

Hello......

Well its been years since I wrote a blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think I'll do better this time!

TBH I'm not really hoping to get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!) apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!) this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent! Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!

I have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being 'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'

Well I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them! Something which I NEVER would have done at work!

Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!

I wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not! However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!

Anyway I most probably wont  even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'