Chemical Pregnancy

So here I am again writing another sad blog. I long to one day be able to write a post which has a happier ending.

So the last few weeks, well months, have yet again been turbulent....lots of ups and downs, lots of hope, lots of fear and anxiety. How long do we do this to ourselves for?? How much of this can we take? The emotional turmoil of it all, is intense, its horrific, it puts life on standstill, its all we talk about, think about, its become our life. Not just me but DH too, in fact DH in particular, its so awful to watch his heart break time after time. He's the most generous, sensitive and giving not just man but human being I know. How is that fair? How is it fair that someone that warm and gentle is not able to become a Father?? Its just so cruel, the world is just so cruel! And not to mention the physical element of it for me, the destruction I am putting my body through, and for no positive outcome.

So whats been happening??? Well after the loss of MB our world got turned upside down, we havent recovered, nor do I think we ever will. The pain we now carry is sometimes unbearable. However we still soldiered on. We decided to go for another round of FET using the same Spanish protocol we used which worked for MB, well up until 6weeks gestation, but still we GOT pregnant, at least we know we CAN get pregnant right?! Well thats the tiniest bit of hope and positivity we took from that experience.

We had to wait until the end of September to begin the protocol due to the clinic being busy. So off we went, I started taking 4 estratidol pills a day along with 2 patches on my arse! And so began the dates with the dildo cams. My first attempt with the Spanish protocol was fantastic, we didn't even get to the second month as the first month I had a surprising womb lining of 9mm! So we went for it and had success. So again we had that glimmer of hope, but it wasn't to be this cycle, my lining reached 6.9mm so they decided to continue with the protocol as it should be and complete the second month. This entailed keeping the drugs the same but also added in Pentoxyfilline and Vitamin E. Now Penoxyfilline really is not pleasant, just google the side effects! I of course experienced many! So we continued and had weekly dates with the dildo cam, only to find at the end of it my lining only reached 6.4mm. We were then left to sit in the waiting room for an agonising hour, so much running through our heads. We knew that the consultant has never wanted to transfer with a lining less than 8. So what will they do now?? The ever familiar 'abandon the cycle' and re try at a later date? Though where/when/what as we'd also had news earlier in the week the clinic was closing! Or will they just go ahead? But if they do that is our chance of success now really low with a crap lining? This would also be our second and last NHS funded transfer.....and so we waited. We finally got called in by the nurse, who had spoken with the consultant, though he obviously didn't feel it necessary to have a proper discussion with us! She TOLD us we would still go ahead, she was very rushed and frantic and gave us little opportunity to discuss things, or even be apart of the decision. We were however somewhat pleased, at least the last 2 months hadn't been for nothing....at least we get to try...right?
Though part of me can't help feel that if the clinic wasn't closing, we may have been given more of an option. We then had the agonising week of awaiting the call from the embryologist each day. Day 1 I was in a meeting and couldn't answer my phone, throughout the meeting I had 2 missed calls and a voicemail, then a missed call from DH. I was in panic mode, whats happened?? Have they all died?? That was the longest meeting of my life!! They had spoken with DH as 2 were looking good, but 1 had popped out its shell and another very slow, so decided to take another out. By the time day 5 came we had 2 top graded blastocysts. We had discussed the possibility of two the previous week and concluded that we wouldn't do it. All along they had also warned it would be dangerous for me, and thinking about it sensibly twins would be financially difficult. However on the morning of the transfer during our 5 min journey to the clinic, we actually got a little bit excited about the prospect. On the day of the transfer the embryologist was absolutely fantastic. She showed great compassion and empathy with us, and actually explained things in great depth, giving us lots of information to actually make an informed decision and that the decision was ours. She even informed us that actually the quality of the embryo is far more important than womb lining. So we got a bit excited and though Fuck it!! Lets put 2 in!! If this was successful theres no way we're going through it again, and don't really want an only child, so fuck it, we went for 2!!!

I took some time off work, thankfully I have a very supportive manager and team which took the pressure off. I chilled, binged on netflix, took some short walks with the dog, enjoyed time with friends visiting, and did some online Christmas shopping. DH took care of the housework, the cooking etc, so I was able to really relax. I did the pineapple thing for 5 days, had 5 brazil nuts a day, took all my vitamins, kept my feet warm etc. The night of the transfer and the following day, I felt physically awful, extreme fatigue, a migraine, and not just nausea but retching! I also had some intense cramping. The following days, my boobs got more sore, and had all the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy as I did last time, in fact they were even more intense. Signs of twins we hoped! I even had some spotting, not red blood, but brown, and very minimal, again a good sign?! On 7dp5dt I decided I couldn't wait and did a test, however it was negative, but thats OK I thought as its of course too soon. 9dp5dt I did another, it was faint but a definite positive! WAHOO!!!! Thank goodness Im pregnant I thought. DH was very calm and reserved, not wanting to be too hopeful just yet. Day 10 and 11 tests again were there but they didn't get darker as we'd expected in fact it was lighter. WTF?!? How can this be?? Last time with MB I hadn't even finished peeing and the line was there at day 10! Well perhaps it could still be that its too early, and HCG levels just fluctuating a little?? So we bought a digital. On 12dp5dt OTD I did the digital, a clear blue and a first response, 'not pregnant' I hate those tests! Its just so harsh! The clear blue and FR again had very very faint lines, but this time hardly noticeable. I rang the clinic, I asked for a blood test but was told it was too early and to do another test tomorrow! WTF?! Another Fucking day of turmoil!! We cried, both took the day off sick. By the afternoon we decided we needed to think positively and be hopeful, we had a nice walk to see the sea, and chatted hopefully. I even did some positive affirmations and visualisation in the evening. The next morning came, this time, NOTHING, nothing at all, I did 2 tests and not even a smidge of a line :( I called the clinic, this time spoke to the lovely nurse we had through MB, who straight away offered a blood test. So off we went to the clinic, walking through the maternity entrance, passing the obese pregnant woman smoking! Grrrr! Blood drawn, and another few hours to wait......BHCG came back as 2! That was it, it was confirmed, most definitely not pregnant, and most likely a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical pregnancies are so fucking cruel, the symptoms and the hope of something positive, only to end so very soon :(

So what now?? What are our next steps?? Well there are so many questions, thoughts, possibilities and the answer is we're really not sure!!  So the options are:

Option 1)
A self-funded cycle, however our financial position is not great so this will mean some saving, and putting home improvement plans on hold, along with visiting close family in Australia and the USA. And will most probably get us in to debt, which then could be financially difficult when on mat leave if its successful. We also need to do a lot of research at some potential clinics, we briefly looked into it last year, and found a few we were quite keen on, but nothing definitive.
We'd be very grateful for advice from anyone who has good/bad experiences with clinics.

Option 2)
Adoption, though if we do option 1 first this will delay adoption as you have to be clear treatment for 6-12 months, you also have to not be TTC, if we got in to debt via option 1 this could also be a problem. Adoption also brings its own new world of emotional turmoil, and is certainly not an easy path, but could be a very positive one, and not quite sure we're ready to give up on a biological child yet?

Option 3)
We give up completely, and just be that couple that has fun holidays and nice things, we would never use contraception, and forever hope that we might 'get caught.'

The only firm decision we have made is that we WILL be going on holiday in Feb for our 10 year anniversary and won't be actioning anything before then. And don't think option 3 is really an option.....

What now after The Fertility Show?

So we went to the Fertility Show at Olympia in London last Saturday. It was certainly an experience and Im glad we went. Its not for the faint hearted though!

So we're currently at a bit of a crossroads, not really sure what direction to head in....

For anyone who hasn't followed our journey heres a bit of a recap....

We've been TTC for 5 years now, I have PCOS a blocked left fallopian tube and my husband has poor morphology and motility. We had to wait the 2 years before being referred to a fertility clinic on the NHS, it was then almost a further year before we started treatment. We had to skip the usual route of clomid due to my blocked tube and DH sperm. Over the next 9 months we had 3 attempts at getting me to the point of egg collection, on the 3rd attempt I finally made it but went into OHSS so I had a freeze all and no transfer. We have 15 frozen embryos waiting. I have then had 2 attempts at getting my endometrium thick enough for a transfer but with the drugs they are giving me it is just not happening. I pushed for a natural cycle which they did straight after a drugs cycle, and it was to no avail, but I had little monitoring and a natural cycle straight after a drug induced one surely isn't a 'true' natural one is it?? I then started a new job and we decided to have a 6 month break. Prior to the break I did have a hysteroscopy which I pushed for and it was NAD, they also informed me there was one more lot of drugs they would try but unlikely I would thicken up to the required 8-9mm but they would try a transfer anyway but unlikely it will work.

The clinic we go to is our local NHS one, and it is SHIT!!!!! The staff are robotic and un human, there is no dignity, respect and certainly no individualised care, it is very much 1 protocol for all! My homeopath hates the consultant and states he has had no training since 1989! His protocols are very out of date and he is dangerous. Throughout my whole experience with them I have certainly felt they are behind with the times, there is no interest in anything that doesn't follow the medical model, they are very against homeopathy, acupuncture and even nutrition! They are so far away from my beliefs that I don't think I can go back there. I have very little faith and trust in them, and even less so when Ive seen their data on the HFEA website and compared with other clinics, and also just comparing how other clinics treat. The safety is also a big issue, since doing more research into other clinics it has become even more apparent how dangerous they are, and how much harm they've already caused me. One of my best friends has just had a very severe case of OHSS at this clinic needing a hospital admission and almost ICU! However with this clinic we are still entitle to 2 NHS FETs. Our financial situation is not great we already have some debt so paying privately isn't an easy option. But I just really don't feel I want to go back there, so that leads me on to where we are now.....

Our homeopath has recommended Create Fertility, it is only 2 hours from us. We went to one of their open days and really liked them, we like the fact that they use natural and mild IVF, meaning there is no down regulation. I hate down regulation, the reason many clinics do it is for their convenience so you can be 'batched' how unethical is that??!?!? Especially with my ridiculously high AMH and PCOS, drugs such as buserelin are very hugh risk, but my current clinic did it anyway! We also have the option of transferring our 15 frosties here and using one of those. The only issue there is even though 6 are apparently top quality our homeopath warns the quality may not be great due to them being from a OHSS cycle. The care here also seems much more individualised.

When we went to the Fertility Show we also spoke with the Lister clinic. We need to do more research on them, and perhaps talk to our homeopath (she is a fertility guru!) I have heard good things about them in the past, and a few people have spoke with me on twitter and had good experiences. London is however 4 hours from us. With cost being an issue to us, they did speak about the possibility of egg sharing. This would mean I would go through a cycle, get 1 back and the rest would be donated, this would make the cycle free to us!! Now there are positives here in that we would only have to pay for travel, get to access a great clinic, and get to help others. But Im not sure on the ethics of it, would they put me at more risk as they would want to ensure they retrieve as many eggs as possible??? As I produce a lot they will be making a significant amount of money off me! What if someone else gets pregnant with my egg but I don't??? In the UK the child has a legal right when they get to 18 to find their birth mother, so I could have several knocks at my door in the future!

The other option was New Life fertility clinic in Greece. There was just something about these guys. They were very confident but not cocky. Very approachable and interested. The cost is about the same as in the UK, but the idea of going abroad and totally switching off to the stresses of home really appeals to me.

So our options are;

1) stay with current NHS clinic - local and free but at what cost to my health?
2) FET with create - less drugs
3)the Lister in London - free but at what ethical cost
4)New Life in Greece - includes a holiday!

Any thoughts would be gratefully received!!!

As for the fertility show, we really are glad we went. We certainly feel more informed. If anyone is thinking of it in future i wouldnt recommend at the start of your journey, you definitely need to have an idea of the fertility world before you go. But there are some great stands there, very informative but also very overwhelming. I had lots of impending thoughts of how wrong the whole thing is, there are businesses making money off peoples mis fortune. I hate how theres very little regulation on the services provided by the clinics and at what cost. The equitability across the NHS is also disgusting! If this was cancer care or something equivalent there would be uproar! However whilst the fertility show highlighted these issues it was not what it was about, there were some really good seminars and discussions which definitely better informed us. I wish we had planned a bit better though and made more of a plan of who/what we wanted to see. The seminars all overlapped which was a little frustrating as there was many I wanted to see but just couldn't fit in. There were many famous faces there too which was lovely to see, well famous in the infertility world! Its a very strange arrival, you go in to the very quiet lift with other couples looking as frightened as you feel, then the doors open to a large room of hustle and bustle which feels quite intimidating. One of the first faces I saw though was Natalie Silverman from the Fertility Podcast. I was relieved and excited to see a friendly face. Unfortunately we didn't get chance to say hello due to us running late for a seminar.

This past week my emotions have been a little all over the place, I feel overwhelmed undecided, scared and excited. My anxiety is back, but so is my brave face.....