Nervously Excited

So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......

......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!

Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!

And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.

So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one,  I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O

Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.



My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.

This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.

Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!

So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!

I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!

Third Time Lucky!

So I am terrible at this whole blogging thing!!! Its been 2 months!! Ooops!!

Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)

I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot!  And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!

The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.

So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!

I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!

A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!

So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.

So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!

ICSI Cycle #1

So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.

So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;

• both young, fit and healthy
• D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
• I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus

So in we went feeling extremely hopeful! 

My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.

I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units. 

After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation??? 

On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive. 

On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS. 

I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!

Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????

Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!

So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.

We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........

B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....

That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???

So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)

However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!

So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol! 

However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over! 

If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!