So we went to the Fertility Show at Olympia in London last Saturday. It was certainly an experience and Im glad we went. Its not for the faint hearted though!
So we're currently at a bit of a crossroads, not really sure what direction to head in....
For anyone who hasn't followed our journey heres a bit of a recap....
We've been TTC for 5 years now, I have PCOS a blocked left fallopian tube and my husband has poor morphology and motility. We had to wait the 2 years before being referred to a fertility clinic on the NHS, it was then almost a further year before we started treatment. We had to skip the usual route of clomid due to my blocked tube and DH sperm. Over the next 9 months we had 3 attempts at getting me to the point of egg collection, on the 3rd attempt I finally made it but went into OHSS so I had a freeze all and no transfer. We have 15 frozen embryos waiting. I have then had 2 attempts at getting my endometrium thick enough for a transfer but with the drugs they are giving me it is just not happening. I pushed for a natural cycle which they did straight after a drugs cycle, and it was to no avail, but I had little monitoring and a natural cycle straight after a drug induced one surely isn't a 'true' natural one is it?? I then started a new job and we decided to have a 6 month break. Prior to the break I did have a hysteroscopy which I pushed for and it was NAD, they also informed me there was one more lot of drugs they would try but unlikely I would thicken up to the required 8-9mm but they would try a transfer anyway but unlikely it will work.
The clinic we go to is our local NHS one, and it is SHIT!!!!! The staff are robotic and un human, there is no dignity, respect and certainly no individualised care, it is very much 1 protocol for all! My homeopath hates the consultant and states he has had no training since 1989! His protocols are very out of date and he is dangerous. Throughout my whole experience with them I have certainly felt they are behind with the times, there is no interest in anything that doesn't follow the medical model, they are very against homeopathy, acupuncture and even nutrition! They are so far away from my beliefs that I don't think I can go back there. I have very little faith and trust in them, and even less so when Ive seen their data on the HFEA website and compared with other clinics, and also just comparing how other clinics treat. The safety is also a big issue, since doing more research into other clinics it has become even more apparent how dangerous they are, and how much harm they've already caused me. One of my best friends has just had a very severe case of OHSS at this clinic needing a hospital admission and almost ICU! However with this clinic we are still entitle to 2 NHS FETs. Our financial situation is not great we already have some debt so paying privately isn't an easy option. But I just really don't feel I want to go back there, so that leads me on to where we are now.....
Our homeopath has recommended Create Fertility, it is only 2 hours from us. We went to one of their open days and really liked them, we like the fact that they use natural and mild IVF, meaning there is no down regulation. I hate down regulation, the reason many clinics do it is for their convenience so you can be 'batched' how unethical is that??!?!? Especially with my ridiculously high AMH and PCOS, drugs such as buserelin are very hugh risk, but my current clinic did it anyway! We also have the option of transferring our 15 frosties here and using one of those. The only issue there is even though 6 are apparently top quality our homeopath warns the quality may not be great due to them being from a OHSS cycle. The care here also seems much more individualised.
When we went to the Fertility Show we also spoke with the Lister clinic. We need to do more research on them, and perhaps talk to our homeopath (she is a fertility guru!) I have heard good things about them in the past, and a few people have spoke with me on twitter and had good experiences. London is however 4 hours from us. With cost being an issue to us, they did speak about the possibility of egg sharing. This would mean I would go through a cycle, get 1 back and the rest would be donated, this would make the cycle free to us!! Now there are positives here in that we would only have to pay for travel, get to access a great clinic, and get to help others. But Im not sure on the ethics of it, would they put me at more risk as they would want to ensure they retrieve as many eggs as possible??? As I produce a lot they will be making a significant amount of money off me! What if someone else gets pregnant with my egg but I don't??? In the UK the child has a legal right when they get to 18 to find their birth mother, so I could have several knocks at my door in the future!
The other option was New Life fertility clinic in Greece. There was just something about these guys. They were very confident but not cocky. Very approachable and interested. The cost is about the same as in the UK, but the idea of going abroad and totally switching off to the stresses of home really appeals to me.
So our options are;
1) stay with current NHS clinic - local and free but at what cost to my health?
2) FET with create - less drugs
3)the Lister in London - free but at what ethical cost
4)New Life in Greece - includes a holiday!
Any thoughts would be gratefully received!!!
As for the fertility show, we really are glad we went. We certainly feel more informed. If anyone is thinking of it in future i wouldnt recommend at the start of your journey, you definitely need to have an idea of the fertility world before you go. But there are some great stands there, very informative but also very overwhelming. I had lots of impending thoughts of how wrong the whole thing is, there are businesses making money off peoples mis fortune. I hate how theres very little regulation on the services provided by the clinics and at what cost. The equitability across the NHS is also disgusting! If this was cancer care or something equivalent there would be uproar! However whilst the fertility show highlighted these issues it was not what it was about, there were some really good seminars and discussions which definitely better informed us. I wish we had planned a bit better though and made more of a plan of who/what we wanted to see. The seminars all overlapped which was a little frustrating as there was many I wanted to see but just couldn't fit in. There were many famous faces there too which was lovely to see, well famous in the infertility world! Its a very strange arrival, you go in to the very quiet lift with other couples looking as frightened as you feel, then the doors open to a large room of hustle and bustle which feels quite intimidating. One of the first faces I saw though was Natalie Silverman from the Fertility Podcast. I was relieved and excited to see a friendly face. Unfortunately we didn't get chance to say hello due to us running late for a seminar.
This past week my emotions have been a little all over the place, I feel overwhelmed undecided, scared and excited. My anxiety is back, but so is my brave face.....
Showing posts with label OHSS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OHSS. Show all posts
Friday, 9 November 2018
Wednesday, 12 September 2018
I went to see a Homeopath!!!
Well there are a few updates to be had! Lots been going on! Most reasonably positive. Life has been very busy these past few months, a blessing and a curse. I really don't know where this year has gone! Its great in one way as theres been so much to think about other than the infertility shite! Some good, such as starting my new job, its been stressful, and have soooooo much responsibility, but I get to work from home a lot and have a really supportive lovely boss. The environment is much healthier too, much more professional and incredibly less toxic compared to my previous workplace. It has taken leaving my previous place to make me realise that in fact it wasn't me being too oversensitive at all, it was an awful place, a toxic environment and detrimental to my mental wellbeing! I didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much it was impacting on me until I left. Theres also lots been going on with my mum, she's had some ups and downs, and me and my sister now have an LPA for her, which means even more responsibility for us! So things have been busy, and like I said time has just flown by, but it makes me said that we're still no where close to having the family we so desire :( And really sad that I don't have the support of my mum or any parent for that matter.
So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........
SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked, that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!
She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???
So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.
So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!
So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........
SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked, that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!
She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???
So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.
So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!
Thursday, 15 June 2017
And we're back in the land of Limbo!
So the last time I blogged I was just about to undergo egg collection! We actually made it! Third time lucky and we made it to egg collection, whoop whoop!!
However......
It of course wasn't that straight forward! And what a weird experience that is! The first time I met our consultant was with my legs in stirrups and my fanjita on full show, in fact I think he saw my fanjita before my face!Though I did quite enjoy the effects of the midazalam and fentanyl, felt like quite a good night out ;p
So the first complication was that I was difficult to rouse due to my blood pressure being very low, I was so swollen that they had to drain me, so they had to give me some extra fluids, they also had to insert the needle more times than expected so put me on a precautionary course of antibiotics.
My poor husband.....when they wheeled my around I was still out of it, he asked if I was ok to be told by one of the nurses (not sure if Ive mentioned her before, but she's often been a bit of a twat!!!) that there had been some 'complications' he obviously panicked and it was a good while before anyone came and told us what those complications actually were! So the big thing they had to tell us was that I was in OHSS and the severity would be confirmed by a blood test, depending on the results would depend on whether they could do transfer this week or FET.
However the good news was that they took 23 follicles!!! 23!!!!! Hence why I was so damn swollen and sore! Also Ds sperm had improved massively, so much that the embryologist spoke to us about doing IVF as well as ICSI, which we of course accepted.
Being told that we may have to go for FET was a little dissapointing but at least I would then be well for my sisters hen weekend at the end of the month and her wedding in June, and the hard part was done now right? And no more injections, scans, etc now right? WRONG oh very WRONG!!!
So we left the hospital, me walking down the corridor like I had shit myself as I was so uncomfortable, being told to drink at least 4 protein shakes, antibiotics and a new drug Cabergoline for OHSS in our hands. Cabergoline by the way can cause the most hilarious side effects - an urge to gamble, shop, uncontrollable sexual interest, binge eating etc!! I didn't get any, in fact I was the total opposite I totally lost my appetite, only managing 1-2 protein shakes a day, i felt so incredibly sick, and as for sex.....haha nope!!! The next few days were horrific physically, I crawled up the stairs the first night and cried myself to sleep with the pain. The nausea was awful too, just the thought of food was enough to make me retch! And the tiredness, that was pretty extreme for almost 2 weeks, I just didn't know what to do with myself. The swelling was horrendous too, it took about 3 weeks for that to settle, at its worst I looked about 7 months pregnant!! Theres another kick in the face! Oh the irony!
So anyway the afternoon following EC we had a call to say I was confirmed OHSS and it was severe enough to not be able to transfer and we would need FET. The embryologist called the next day to tell us that 16 eggs had fertilised and 6 were IVF, which was amazing news, the next day she called again to say 15 had survived and would be frozen, I asked what that process entails, she got the nurse to call me back.
So all the way through this cycle we were aware that OHSS could happen and that we might need FET, so like I said earlier we were dissapointed but aware it could happen. When we left the clinic they just said we need to notify them when I have my next 'natural' bleed to start the process. Naively we assumed there would be no need for as many drugs they would just perhaps scan mid cycle and then put the embryo in......again WRONG!! So on the phone another train hit, that actually it would be another lengthy process of starting the pill, bloods, scans, buserelin injections, oestrogen pills, and progesterone suppositories!!!!!! WTF?!?!? Why is it never simple!! I so don't wanna have to go through buserelin again, the injecting thats fine, its the side effects, the emotional turmoil, its soul destroying! But hey, I will do anything, ANYTHING to get my BFP and my little bundle of joy at the end, but it always just seems so far away! Though we are closer to this time, it just doesn't always feel like it, as the title of this post suggests, we are back in limbo again, back in fucking limbo!!
So my emotions have been much more stable this time, I think I am just so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don't have many tears left, it gets mistaken by a lot of people who think I am coping much better this time, but it never gets better, things won't be better until we get that BFP! People don't understand that though, they think you get 'used to it' and I guess to a point you do, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, you just learn to cope and get on, but it doesn't mean its easy or Im OK! My support network seems to have deminshed a little too, not everyone, I still have D who's amazing, and some really close friends, but a few seem to have got bored with it all, they no longer ask, they no longer check, they no longer seem to care. That hurts it hurts a lot, paticuarly with one friend, one very good friend, well I considered a good friend, even a mother figure, back in November she was incredible she was my rock! And I will always appreciate that, however this time, she's been very off and distant with me, kept me at arms length and not really been there, it even feels like she's pushed me away. A few weeks ago I had a little chat with her and she told me this was a choice to undergo treatment and to 'suck it up.' I guess to some extent its a choice but thats easy to say when you already have children! I was pretty devastated at that comment, when I asked her about it she apologised, but I think just doesn't know what to say, she also told me I was aggressive! This really shocked me, I never ever intend to be and don't think I have been, I know the drugs have made me odd but I think this time Ive been able to control that!
But anyway we had a letter through for an appointment at the clinic on the 3rd of July so until then more limbo!
However......
It of course wasn't that straight forward! And what a weird experience that is! The first time I met our consultant was with my legs in stirrups and my fanjita on full show, in fact I think he saw my fanjita before my face!Though I did quite enjoy the effects of the midazalam and fentanyl, felt like quite a good night out ;p
So the first complication was that I was difficult to rouse due to my blood pressure being very low, I was so swollen that they had to drain me, so they had to give me some extra fluids, they also had to insert the needle more times than expected so put me on a precautionary course of antibiotics.
My poor husband.....when they wheeled my around I was still out of it, he asked if I was ok to be told by one of the nurses (not sure if Ive mentioned her before, but she's often been a bit of a twat!!!) that there had been some 'complications' he obviously panicked and it was a good while before anyone came and told us what those complications actually were! So the big thing they had to tell us was that I was in OHSS and the severity would be confirmed by a blood test, depending on the results would depend on whether they could do transfer this week or FET.
However the good news was that they took 23 follicles!!! 23!!!!! Hence why I was so damn swollen and sore! Also Ds sperm had improved massively, so much that the embryologist spoke to us about doing IVF as well as ICSI, which we of course accepted.
Being told that we may have to go for FET was a little dissapointing but at least I would then be well for my sisters hen weekend at the end of the month and her wedding in June, and the hard part was done now right? And no more injections, scans, etc now right? WRONG oh very WRONG!!!
So we left the hospital, me walking down the corridor like I had shit myself as I was so uncomfortable, being told to drink at least 4 protein shakes, antibiotics and a new drug Cabergoline for OHSS in our hands. Cabergoline by the way can cause the most hilarious side effects - an urge to gamble, shop, uncontrollable sexual interest, binge eating etc!! I didn't get any, in fact I was the total opposite I totally lost my appetite, only managing 1-2 protein shakes a day, i felt so incredibly sick, and as for sex.....haha nope!!! The next few days were horrific physically, I crawled up the stairs the first night and cried myself to sleep with the pain. The nausea was awful too, just the thought of food was enough to make me retch! And the tiredness, that was pretty extreme for almost 2 weeks, I just didn't know what to do with myself. The swelling was horrendous too, it took about 3 weeks for that to settle, at its worst I looked about 7 months pregnant!! Theres another kick in the face! Oh the irony!
So anyway the afternoon following EC we had a call to say I was confirmed OHSS and it was severe enough to not be able to transfer and we would need FET. The embryologist called the next day to tell us that 16 eggs had fertilised and 6 were IVF, which was amazing news, the next day she called again to say 15 had survived and would be frozen, I asked what that process entails, she got the nurse to call me back.
So all the way through this cycle we were aware that OHSS could happen and that we might need FET, so like I said earlier we were dissapointed but aware it could happen. When we left the clinic they just said we need to notify them when I have my next 'natural' bleed to start the process. Naively we assumed there would be no need for as many drugs they would just perhaps scan mid cycle and then put the embryo in......again WRONG!! So on the phone another train hit, that actually it would be another lengthy process of starting the pill, bloods, scans, buserelin injections, oestrogen pills, and progesterone suppositories!!!!!! WTF?!?!? Why is it never simple!! I so don't wanna have to go through buserelin again, the injecting thats fine, its the side effects, the emotional turmoil, its soul destroying! But hey, I will do anything, ANYTHING to get my BFP and my little bundle of joy at the end, but it always just seems so far away! Though we are closer to this time, it just doesn't always feel like it, as the title of this post suggests, we are back in limbo again, back in fucking limbo!!
So my emotions have been much more stable this time, I think I am just so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don't have many tears left, it gets mistaken by a lot of people who think I am coping much better this time, but it never gets better, things won't be better until we get that BFP! People don't understand that though, they think you get 'used to it' and I guess to a point you do, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, you just learn to cope and get on, but it doesn't mean its easy or Im OK! My support network seems to have deminshed a little too, not everyone, I still have D who's amazing, and some really close friends, but a few seem to have got bored with it all, they no longer ask, they no longer check, they no longer seem to care. That hurts it hurts a lot, paticuarly with one friend, one very good friend, well I considered a good friend, even a mother figure, back in November she was incredible she was my rock! And I will always appreciate that, however this time, she's been very off and distant with me, kept me at arms length and not really been there, it even feels like she's pushed me away. A few weeks ago I had a little chat with her and she told me this was a choice to undergo treatment and to 'suck it up.' I guess to some extent its a choice but thats easy to say when you already have children! I was pretty devastated at that comment, when I asked her about it she apologised, but I think just doesn't know what to say, she also told me I was aggressive! This really shocked me, I never ever intend to be and don't think I have been, I know the drugs have made me odd but I think this time Ive been able to control that!
But anyway we had a letter through for an appointment at the clinic on the 3rd of July so until then more limbo!
Sunday, 7 May 2017
Nervously Excited
So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
Thursday, 6 April 2017
Third Time Lucky!
So I am terrible at this whole blogging thing!!! Its been 2 months!! Ooops!!
Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)
I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot! And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!
The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.
So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!
I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!
A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!
So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.
So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!
Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)
I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot! And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!
The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.
So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!
I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!
A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!
So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.
So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)