So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.
So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......
And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!
On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....
Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!
Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!
So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.
So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!'
After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this???
Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.
So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/
I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!
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