What now after The Fertility Show?

So we went to the Fertility Show at Olympia in London last Saturday. It was certainly an experience and Im glad we went. Its not for the faint hearted though!

So we're currently at a bit of a crossroads, not really sure what direction to head in....

For anyone who hasn't followed our journey heres a bit of a recap....

We've been TTC for 5 years now, I have PCOS a blocked left fallopian tube and my husband has poor morphology and motility. We had to wait the 2 years before being referred to a fertility clinic on the NHS, it was then almost a further year before we started treatment. We had to skip the usual route of clomid due to my blocked tube and DH sperm. Over the next 9 months we had 3 attempts at getting me to the point of egg collection, on the 3rd attempt I finally made it but went into OHSS so I had a freeze all and no transfer. We have 15 frozen embryos waiting. I have then had 2 attempts at getting my endometrium thick enough for a transfer but with the drugs they are giving me it is just not happening. I pushed for a natural cycle which they did straight after a drugs cycle, and it was to no avail, but I had little monitoring and a natural cycle straight after a drug induced one surely isn't a 'true' natural one is it?? I then started a new job and we decided to have a 6 month break. Prior to the break I did have a hysteroscopy which I pushed for and it was NAD, they also informed me there was one more lot of drugs they would try but unlikely I would thicken up to the required 8-9mm but they would try a transfer anyway but unlikely it will work.

The clinic we go to is our local NHS one, and it is SHIT!!!!! The staff are robotic and un human, there is no dignity, respect and certainly no individualised care, it is very much 1 protocol for all! My homeopath hates the consultant and states he has had no training since 1989! His protocols are very out of date and he is dangerous. Throughout my whole experience with them I have certainly felt they are behind with the times, there is no interest in anything that doesn't follow the medical model, they are very against homeopathy, acupuncture and even nutrition! They are so far away from my beliefs that I don't think I can go back there. I have very little faith and trust in them, and even less so when Ive seen their data on the HFEA website and compared with other clinics, and also just comparing how other clinics treat. The safety is also a big issue, since doing more research into other clinics it has become even more apparent how dangerous they are, and how much harm they've already caused me. One of my best friends has just had a very severe case of OHSS at this clinic needing a hospital admission and almost ICU! However with this clinic we are still entitle to 2 NHS FETs. Our financial situation is not great we already have some debt so paying privately isn't an easy option. But I just really don't feel I want to go back there, so that leads me on to where we are now.....

Our homeopath has recommended Create Fertility, it is only 2 hours from us. We went to one of their open days and really liked them, we like the fact that they use natural and mild IVF, meaning there is no down regulation. I hate down regulation, the reason many clinics do it is for their convenience so you can be 'batched' how unethical is that??!?!? Especially with my ridiculously high AMH and PCOS, drugs such as buserelin are very hugh risk, but my current clinic did it anyway! We also have the option of transferring our 15 frosties here and using one of those. The only issue there is even though 6 are apparently top quality our homeopath warns the quality may not be great due to them being from a OHSS cycle. The care here also seems much more individualised.

When we went to the Fertility Show we also spoke with the Lister clinic. We need to do more research on them, and perhaps talk to our homeopath (she is a fertility guru!) I have heard good things about them in the past, and a few people have spoke with me on twitter and had good experiences. London is however 4 hours from us. With cost being an issue to us, they did speak about the possibility of egg sharing. This would mean I would go through a cycle, get 1 back and the rest would be donated, this would make the cycle free to us!! Now there are positives here in that we would only have to pay for travel, get to access a great clinic, and get to help others. But Im not sure on the ethics of it, would they put me at more risk as they would want to ensure they retrieve as many eggs as possible??? As I produce a lot they will be making a significant amount of money off me! What if someone else gets pregnant with my egg but I don't??? In the UK the child has a legal right when they get to 18 to find their birth mother, so I could have several knocks at my door in the future!

The other option was New Life fertility clinic in Greece. There was just something about these guys. They were very confident but not cocky. Very approachable and interested. The cost is about the same as in the UK, but the idea of going abroad and totally switching off to the stresses of home really appeals to me.

So our options are;

1) stay with current NHS clinic - local and free but at what cost to my health?
2) FET with create - less drugs
3)the Lister in London - free but at what ethical cost
4)New Life in Greece - includes a holiday!

Any thoughts would be gratefully received!!!

As for the fertility show, we really are glad we went. We certainly feel more informed. If anyone is thinking of it in future i wouldnt recommend at the start of your journey, you definitely need to have an idea of the fertility world before you go. But there are some great stands there, very informative but also very overwhelming. I had lots of impending thoughts of how wrong the whole thing is, there are businesses making money off peoples mis fortune. I hate how theres very little regulation on the services provided by the clinics and at what cost. The equitability across the NHS is also disgusting! If this was cancer care or something equivalent there would be uproar! However whilst the fertility show highlighted these issues it was not what it was about, there were some really good seminars and discussions which definitely better informed us. I wish we had planned a bit better though and made more of a plan of who/what we wanted to see. The seminars all overlapped which was a little frustrating as there was many I wanted to see but just couldn't fit in. There were many famous faces there too which was lovely to see, well famous in the infertility world! Its a very strange arrival, you go in to the very quiet lift with other couples looking as frightened as you feel, then the doors open to a large room of hustle and bustle which feels quite intimidating. One of the first faces I saw though was Natalie Silverman from the Fertility Podcast. I was relieved and excited to see a friendly face. Unfortunately we didn't get chance to say hello due to us running late for a seminar.

This past week my emotions have been a little all over the place, I feel overwhelmed undecided, scared and excited. My anxiety is back, but so is my brave face.....

FET cycle #1 = FAIL

So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........

So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.

So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......

And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!

On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....

Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!

Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!

So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.

So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!' 

After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this??? 

Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.

So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/

I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!

Where does the time go???

Cue another random blog post!

But really where does the time go?!?!

I seriously thought having time off work I would be bored, how would I fill the time?? What would I do?? Maybe I could even do some productive things, like tidy those cupboards that need sorting, get the old Annie Sloan paint out and paint some furniture Ive been meaning to do for a while, or even get the camera out and start a photography project. But nope!! Its not quite like that! I've been so lethargic, and its taking me so long to do something, that the time is just disappearing, and Im getting distracted so easily, going on social media, and generally just pondering!

So today for instance, I woke at 7 to take my buserelin, then back to bed and woke again at 9, I then spent the next hour on my phone looking at social media. Got up made some porridge, then watched some random videos on You Tube, had a shower and hung out the washing, it was now 1130!!

At 1215, I did however then do something very different, quite productive and actually somewhat therapeutic, I took part in a podcast with Natalie aka @fertilitypoddy http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com I strongly urge anyone going through infertility to check out Natalie very informative and helpful podcasts. Now I was quite taken aback when someone like Natalie is interested in hearing my story, let alone want to interview me for her podcast! I mean little ole me, really?!?! Well it happened!! And my God did I ramble....sorry Natalie!! But you know what, I think it is the first time I have told someone our infertility journey from start to now like that, and to realise that actually what we have been through isn't normal, it isn't fair, its shit! But instead of coming away feeling upset or angry, I actually feel a bit relieved, it was nice to just let it all out like that, to talk through it. And its got me thinking again about the whole counselling thing, it was offered once (as one free session), and to be honest its probably not just the concept of having to pay for it after, its also because Im afraid to talk, Im afraid to open up for fear of what might be let out, what gremlins might come out to haunt us/me, but actually after talking to Natalie, a stranger, but actually a nice stranger, I surprised myself at how easy it was to spill all that. Thats another reason why I've almost I suppose poo-pooed counselling, is because Im not a talker, you might find that surprising from reading these blogs and that I was OK to go on a podcast, but you see thats because this blog and the podcast is anonymous, and not many people who know me, know about it, so I can be real, I can be raw, with little fear of upsetting those close to me, or worrying what they might think. But you know what, maybe its time to consider counselling??? Before I change my mind again!! Natalie also encouraged me to review our clinic on the HFEA website, and inform them of our concerns, again something I really am now considering doing.

So anyway back again to my day, and where the time goes! Well the lovely chat with Natalie took about an hour, I then decided to do some lunch, now feeling a bit more upbeat and a little more energetic today I decided to cook some soup, a chicken and mushroom soup, now note to self, DO NOT liquidise chicken, it tasted nice, but the texture was gross, see below image, bleurghhhh........

My plan was then to do some meal prep this afternoon, as its a day today where I have some energy, I have come to the realisation that I need to use it when I have it, so was planning on cooking up some soups from Emma Cannons book 'Fertile' but after cooking the soup, eating it, getting engrossed in some more social media, doing the dishes it was then 1615, and I had an urge to blog, so here I am! And that's where my day has gone so far!

But I guess a day like today isn't so bad, its far nicer than the day I had on Sunday, wow I think that is one of my darkest days yet, certainly the darkest this cycle. I woke up and straight away felt sad, I had that burning feeling in my chest like I was about to cry, that same feeling I seem to have a lot at the min, whereas days like today I may get a glimmer of that feeling, I am able to swallow it, smile and bury it and move on, but days like Sunday I can't, I just couldn't. So I lay there and cried for about half an hour, then managed to pull myself together and get downstairs to D, he was busy studying and I hadn't thought he had noticed, but he had, and he just held me and I cried some more. I even went back to bed for a bit and cried, and slept a little, and again D came and held me and I cried some more. I was like that pretty much the whole day, I didn't get showered or dressed I just cried, I didn't even want to eat. However in the evening I managed to cook a roast (hence the left over chicken in the soup today!!) and have a bath, went to bed cried and slept and woke up in a far better mood. But I guess this is what life with infertility is like. Though it is all massively exacerbated at the minute of course, as I have so many drugs and hormones in my body, and I am scared to say it but I think I need to..........it is making me depressed...........I keep using words like emotional, and down, but actually its making me fucking depressed!!! And I heard once, break those words down.....and you get 'deep rest' so I guess thats where my time is going, Im in 'deep rest' I guess my mind and my body just both need to rest at the moment, and thats OK, my God did I just actually say that?!?! Its OK?!?! Fuck, most of my friends will be pretty surprised to hear me say and think that its actually 'OK' to rest, I am not a restful person, I work hard and play hard, but actually right now I need to accept that I need to rest, and also accept that I am depressed. Ive always felt weak and wrong to let myself ever admit that, to ever not be positive, to be negative, to be down/depressed, its not me, but you know what, things are out of my control at the moment, and I hate that, thats another issue of mine, I need to be in control, I even made a snazzy chart to keep track of all what I need to take.....

Haha!! I seriously need to let go!! But you know what, whatever helps, eh?!