Picked up and dropped again!!

So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.

So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.

Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!

I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.

I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.

Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!

So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.

I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??

I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x

New Year New Positivity

So it is the first day of 2017.....

It is safe to say that 2016 was pretty crap!! Well it was pretty crap not just for me but much of the world! So much crazy stuff happened, the universe was certainly out of balance!

But it wasnt all bad, there were some positives, we moved to a bigger house in a nice neighbourhood, close to work, close to friends and family etc. Had some lovely breaks away, lots of nice trips with friends etc.

Im not sure what it is, whats happened or why, but all of a sudden I can see some light, I feel more myself and more able to think positively. I havent cried for 2 days now!! Seems silly but thats a huge achievement compared to lately! My smile feels more real, though dont get me wrong the pain is still there, if I think about the last year, if I think to much about what we dont have, and what more we have to go through, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that pain in my heart, but I am more able to block it out, I am more able to think positive.

I have had a few good night shifts at work the past few days, I have actually slept! The hot flushes have lessened, and am just feeling more ME!

Maybe its that whole new year, new start thing?! Who knows! But I'm going with it! Im starting a fresh, am looking forward to acupuncture, reading my PCOS book, thinking more postively, eating more healthily and being thankful for the good things I have; my wonderful D, my amazing sister, and fantastic friends, having a job I love, a stupid labrador, and a house with so much potential.

So heres to 2017! Hopefully a better year, with a better ending!

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!

Much Love xox