What now after The Fertility Show?

So we went to the Fertility Show at Olympia in London last Saturday. It was certainly an experience and Im glad we went. Its not for the faint hearted though!

So we're currently at a bit of a crossroads, not really sure what direction to head in....

For anyone who hasn't followed our journey heres a bit of a recap....

We've been TTC for 5 years now, I have PCOS a blocked left fallopian tube and my husband has poor morphology and motility. We had to wait the 2 years before being referred to a fertility clinic on the NHS, it was then almost a further year before we started treatment. We had to skip the usual route of clomid due to my blocked tube and DH sperm. Over the next 9 months we had 3 attempts at getting me to the point of egg collection, on the 3rd attempt I finally made it but went into OHSS so I had a freeze all and no transfer. We have 15 frozen embryos waiting. I have then had 2 attempts at getting my endometrium thick enough for a transfer but with the drugs they are giving me it is just not happening. I pushed for a natural cycle which they did straight after a drugs cycle, and it was to no avail, but I had little monitoring and a natural cycle straight after a drug induced one surely isn't a 'true' natural one is it?? I then started a new job and we decided to have a 6 month break. Prior to the break I did have a hysteroscopy which I pushed for and it was NAD, they also informed me there was one more lot of drugs they would try but unlikely I would thicken up to the required 8-9mm but they would try a transfer anyway but unlikely it will work.

The clinic we go to is our local NHS one, and it is SHIT!!!!! The staff are robotic and un human, there is no dignity, respect and certainly no individualised care, it is very much 1 protocol for all! My homeopath hates the consultant and states he has had no training since 1989! His protocols are very out of date and he is dangerous. Throughout my whole experience with them I have certainly felt they are behind with the times, there is no interest in anything that doesn't follow the medical model, they are very against homeopathy, acupuncture and even nutrition! They are so far away from my beliefs that I don't think I can go back there. I have very little faith and trust in them, and even less so when Ive seen their data on the HFEA website and compared with other clinics, and also just comparing how other clinics treat. The safety is also a big issue, since doing more research into other clinics it has become even more apparent how dangerous they are, and how much harm they've already caused me. One of my best friends has just had a very severe case of OHSS at this clinic needing a hospital admission and almost ICU! However with this clinic we are still entitle to 2 NHS FETs. Our financial situation is not great we already have some debt so paying privately isn't an easy option. But I just really don't feel I want to go back there, so that leads me on to where we are now.....

Our homeopath has recommended Create Fertility, it is only 2 hours from us. We went to one of their open days and really liked them, we like the fact that they use natural and mild IVF, meaning there is no down regulation. I hate down regulation, the reason many clinics do it is for their convenience so you can be 'batched' how unethical is that??!?!? Especially with my ridiculously high AMH and PCOS, drugs such as buserelin are very hugh risk, but my current clinic did it anyway! We also have the option of transferring our 15 frosties here and using one of those. The only issue there is even though 6 are apparently top quality our homeopath warns the quality may not be great due to them being from a OHSS cycle. The care here also seems much more individualised.

When we went to the Fertility Show we also spoke with the Lister clinic. We need to do more research on them, and perhaps talk to our homeopath (she is a fertility guru!) I have heard good things about them in the past, and a few people have spoke with me on twitter and had good experiences. London is however 4 hours from us. With cost being an issue to us, they did speak about the possibility of egg sharing. This would mean I would go through a cycle, get 1 back and the rest would be donated, this would make the cycle free to us!! Now there are positives here in that we would only have to pay for travel, get to access a great clinic, and get to help others. But Im not sure on the ethics of it, would they put me at more risk as they would want to ensure they retrieve as many eggs as possible??? As I produce a lot they will be making a significant amount of money off me! What if someone else gets pregnant with my egg but I don't??? In the UK the child has a legal right when they get to 18 to find their birth mother, so I could have several knocks at my door in the future!

The other option was New Life fertility clinic in Greece. There was just something about these guys. They were very confident but not cocky. Very approachable and interested. The cost is about the same as in the UK, but the idea of going abroad and totally switching off to the stresses of home really appeals to me.

So our options are;

1) stay with current NHS clinic - local and free but at what cost to my health?
2) FET with create - less drugs
3)the Lister in London - free but at what ethical cost
4)New Life in Greece - includes a holiday!

Any thoughts would be gratefully received!!!

As for the fertility show, we really are glad we went. We certainly feel more informed. If anyone is thinking of it in future i wouldnt recommend at the start of your journey, you definitely need to have an idea of the fertility world before you go. But there are some great stands there, very informative but also very overwhelming. I had lots of impending thoughts of how wrong the whole thing is, there are businesses making money off peoples mis fortune. I hate how theres very little regulation on the services provided by the clinics and at what cost. The equitability across the NHS is also disgusting! If this was cancer care or something equivalent there would be uproar! However whilst the fertility show highlighted these issues it was not what it was about, there were some really good seminars and discussions which definitely better informed us. I wish we had planned a bit better though and made more of a plan of who/what we wanted to see. The seminars all overlapped which was a little frustrating as there was many I wanted to see but just couldn't fit in. There were many famous faces there too which was lovely to see, well famous in the infertility world! Its a very strange arrival, you go in to the very quiet lift with other couples looking as frightened as you feel, then the doors open to a large room of hustle and bustle which feels quite intimidating. One of the first faces I saw though was Natalie Silverman from the Fertility Podcast. I was relieved and excited to see a friendly face. Unfortunately we didn't get chance to say hello due to us running late for a seminar.

This past week my emotions have been a little all over the place, I feel overwhelmed undecided, scared and excited. My anxiety is back, but so is my brave face.....

The Start of Our Infertility Jouney

So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....


So a little history.....

I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!

Well....

Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.

Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.

I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.

We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)

After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.

December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.

From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.

We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.

We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!).  The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.

Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!

So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......

October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.

The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!

The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed,  it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.

So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....

So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.

So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!

'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!