That Friend..

Hello......

Well its been years since I wrote a blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think I'll do better this time!

TBH I'm not really hoping to get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!) apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!) this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent! Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!

I have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being 'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'

Well I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them! Something which I NEVER would have done at work!

Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!

I wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not! However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!

Anyway I most probably wont  even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'