Are You Pregnant??

Wow!!

So today I visited my Mum....now for most people especially in my position, visiting your Mum would be a pleasant experience, perhaps even a comforting one. However for me it is rarely this!

My Mum suffers with bipolar and many other issues, she is very unkempt and so is her house.

I havent seen her in a few weeks, for this I feel guilty. I have a younger sister who now takes a lot more responsibility for our Mum, however for years it was mainly me. My sister has been amazing through my TTC journey, she has taken on a lot more. My Mum has never really been my mum, our roles have been very much reversed, I have a few fond memories of being a young child and her doing nice mother-daughter things with us, but these have been tarnished with sad memories of the devastating things we have had to witness with thanks to her illness.

Anyway currently my Mum is morbidly obese has difficulty holding a conversation, is unable to work, and has difficulty performing a lot of daily tasks, hence the need for me and my sister to care for her and assist her in many ways, however I have not been as responsible as my sister lately. I never look forward to seeing my Mum, I always come away feeling angry/annoyed/empty and then an overwhelming feeling of guilt for having these feelings towards my Mum. These issues also contribute to my overwhelming desire to be a Mother myself and ensure that NO WAY will my child ever have these feelings towards me, or have to deal with the things me and my sister have had to.

Anyway the majority of people in my position most probably turn to their mum, and have their Mum as their shoulder to cry on, I do not....I cannot....

She knows a little, she knows we are 'trying' but have a few issues so are having IVF (we are actually having ICSI, but there is no point trying to explain that). So anyway, my point...what I wanted to rant about today was the conversation I was met with......'Are you pregnant?' my Mum says to me, I of course am not, 'No Mum' is my reply, 'Oh...' she replies with a chuckle, 'why do I look it?' I ask (I am slightly overweight, and carry most of my weight around my stomach, something which I am extremely sensitive about, and is a symptom of PCOS) 'yes u do a bit' another chuckle, I do not know what to say, and then....then...this is the killer........'I bet you wish you were?!'

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?! OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!!!! ITS ALL I FUCKING WISH!!!!  Was the response in my head, and the response that would have come out of my mouth to most people.......however to my mum my response was 'Yes I do, anyway what did you have for lunch?' As I cannot be honest with my mum, I know there was absolutely no point in venting my frustration at what she just said, as she has absolutely no malice in her body, she would be devastated if she knew she upset me, and I cannot challenge her or let her know she has upset me, for fear of her being sent into another psychotic episode, so I dont....I carried on conversation whilst sipping on my waitrose coffee (I will not eat or drink at her house, and an upside to seeing her she lives very close to waitrose!) Fighting back the tears and putting on my signature 'smile' which I have mastered the art of using to cover up my real feelings.

I left 'smiling' but cried in the car on the way home and rang and vented to my sister. All the while, feeling upset and pissed off at what was said, then angry and disspaointed with myself at having such negative feelings towards my Mum, but anyway as I said earlier my child will NEVER feel like this about me!

I am half way through writing a blog about my fertility journey so far, but keep finding myself needing to rant!! It will happen, I will post that soon!!

Anyway until the next rant...........