And in that time several things have happened! I intended to blog last Tuesday after my first clinic appointment of this cycle, but it turned into a busy day and then I worked long shifts for the rest of the week.
So whats been happening you might ask?! Well....
AF arrived! She came on the Friday, but it was after 12 midday so I had to start the buserelin the following Sunday. I immediately felt crap!! I mean literally within an hour I had a pounding head, and felt nauseous. And throughout this past week Ive been feeling very emotional again, very fatigued, nauseous and the past few days really light headed/dizzy, as if I'm in some sort of fog, and almost not real, its a very hard feeling and very difficult to explain, and not particularly pleasant! Its been a difficult week, but also reassuring that Im pretty sure its the drugs making me so emotional, and depressed, as last week when I was not on any drugs I felt fine! I had so much more energy, felt much more positive, and just generally more 'me!'
So anyhow, Tuesday I had my first scan of this cycle, D wasn't there this time. I told him not to come.....I wish I hadn't! Though there was no major reason for him to be there, other than to hold my hand! We knew this would be a very routine scan it was just to check that my ovaries are clear and everything was good to start the estradiol, which with AF almost leaving again, and the effects I was feeling from the buserelin, I was pretty certain all would be OK.......and it was!!! D wanted to come as he always does, but he is just about to start his new promotion, and whilst his workplace are very good about him attending appointments, we didn't want to take the piss, when it was unnecessary. And as it turned out, all was well, so there really was no 'real need' for D to be there, but my God was it awful sitting in that waiting room all alone, surrounded by couples! Even though I was pretty certain I wouldn't be getting any bad news and this was routine, I missed him so much! I missed him holding my hand, reassuringly looking at me, making me laugh, and just generally being my rock! Maybe I shouldn't be so spoilt! Im sure plenty of women attend appointments alone, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to be! I really am so lucky to have D, thats one great positive with this whole fucked up situation it has definitely brought us closer, it really does either make or break you!
The sonographer woman, was her usual 'happy' self *sarcasm* but as there was not much to look for, it was thankfully pretty quick, I then had to await the plan from the nurse, which I already had an idea on from our last appointment. It was however still a long wait, and there was another couple there who I met once before, back before our first cycle when we had to go for our injection technique teaching session. It was kind of odd as it was only the day before when shopping in Sainsbury's Im sure I saw the husband of one of the other couples, which then gave the passing thought of wandering how those other 3 couples are getting on, whether they got their BFPs??? Well anyway this other poor couple hadn't yet, they were talking to someone and I was ear wigging a little, to hear this was their second FET, having 1 failed fresh and 1 failed FET, so meaning unfortunately living where we are, they are now paying! So its not just me/us still waiting, still on this shitty journey, eh?! So anyway on to the nurse bit.....fortunately it was nurse K, now she is lovely, so much nicer than the other nurse, and actually shows some compassion and takes the time to answer questions. She told me I now had to go home take 4 estradiol pills each day, and also later an estradiol patch. Now the patches are 'fun' again *sarcasm! Not sure if anyone else finds this? But they are bloody uncomfortable! They really irritate my skin, and due to them needing to be on my arse, and the logistics of placing them there, D has to do them for me, he is having great pleasure in designing a pattern on my arse with them! Haha!
So as I said earlier nurse K is great at answering questions, and actually explained the process to me, so on the Tues I commence, patches and pills, I then have a scan Fri of this coming week, so 10 days later. If my womb lining is looking good, I will then stop the buserelin on the Sunday and start progesterone pessaries/suppositories, and the embryologists will thaw the embryos on the Monday, with the aim of culturing them on until the Friday, when they will hopefully, fingers crossed, implant one.
So I have seen my lovely acupuncturist once and plan on seeing her again on Tuesday, am also eating and drinking all the wonderful things I did last cycle. I am also back at work, and trying not to go sick to early this time, last cycle I had a month off, but I really did need it, I was in such a dark place then. I could almost let myself be again this cycle, I can feel it within me, I can feel that burn in my stomach, that dark cloud in my head, but I am fighting it, Im fighting it hard, and trying my upmost to not let it consume me. However it certainly hasn't been easy! It hasn't been easy at work either, lots of silly politics, which are really not helpful right now! I try my best to stay out of it, but I really do love my job, and I find it hard not to get frustrated and stressed by things in the office, but Im TRYING!!! Ive also had to deal with a few insensitive people too, people who I thought cared, but hey, forget them! I have sooooooo many good people in my life who really do care, I seriously don't need the ones who don't! Their loss eh?!
So thats pretty much it, thats where I am, I would like to say Im feeling positive, Im trying to be, I really am, but having been on this journey for so long, knowing what it entails, and the constant heartbreak we have endured, the hope I had is seriously diminishing, and that really isn't me, I am usually so optimistic, and on face I am, I am still wearing that signature smile, making people think that 'I'm OK' but really deep down, there is minimal hope left :( But hey, I guess we gotta just watch this space!
In other news, I am quite liking the idea of reviewing some things?! Anyone have any thoughts? The first item I want to review is a diary called Daily Greatness Journal it is quite expensive at £39.99 but it is huge! And for someone who is a stationary nerd and likes to be organised it really appeals. It has a weekly planner and is designed to be positive and instil good habits. It is not dated so can be started at any time, however Im going to wait until January, there is just something about starting a diary on the 1st of January :) So once I do and I have used it for a while I will of course do a more comprehensive review. In the meantime if anyone wishes to purchase, you can use this code to get 5% off RAF5UK
No comments:
Post a Comment