Broken

So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!

So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!

Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.

In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!

That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.

So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(

We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.

We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.

So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.

Another Year, Dare we Hope??

And so it is 2018!

Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.

I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'

That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.

I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!

So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.

So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'

Picked up and dropped again!!

So still no bloody bleed!! Its not often us women beg AF to show, but thats what Ive been doing lately! As unfortunately I am in limbo again until she appears.

So its been almost 6 weeks now since I stopped all the drugs from my last 'abandoned' FET cycle. 2 weeks ago today I had a scan which showed no change to my womb lining so they gave me a course of Northisterone which I finished last Monday, and still no AF!!! I called the clinic on Friday they said not to worry until Monday. Monday came, still no AF! So I called and they decided to scan me which was today. I was feeling highly emotional today, not sure why? I was only saying to DH on sun eve that I was feeling 'OK' at the moment and actually feeling a bit festive and trying to be a positive. However I finished night shifts yesterday morning, was extremely tired and had a big row with DH last evening which all doesn't help. He also didn't come to the scan this morning, he asked if it was OK, I said 'sure' but deep down I wanted him there, there is no need, really, but I just really hate going on my own! I think Ive said before just walking through them bloody doors at the clinic just feels me with horrendous dread and anxiety.

Anyhow, off I went this morning, felling emotional, thinking oh they'll probably just give me another course of Northisterone. Thankfully it was the nice sonographer again, so she sticks up the dildo cam, and whilst up there is chatting away to me all about Christmas, then she tells me my womb lining has actually got thicker!! Its at 7.8mm!!!! WTF?!?! What the actual Fuck?!?!???? How the F did that happen????? Im not on anything at all to help it, Im doing everything I shouldn't, eating crap, drinking alcohol, stressed etc, so why?!?!

I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called in by the nurse, it was a young nurse, nurse B, now she's lovely, really nice, but has no knowledge and this is horrible to say but seems a bit stupid!! So didn't fill me with the greatest confidence, she couldn't understand it either, and told me she would have to speak to the consultant and call back later today. I asked her if they would possibly transfer? I know its not expected, but as my womb lining is at its thickest ever it seems such a shame to waste it, she stated she would certainly tell the consultant I would be happy for transfer.

I then went home, went about my day and impatiently waited the call, quite excited and hopeful that this could potentially lead to a transfer! Well the call came, and she told me that they want to give me more northisterone, I asked why they wouldnt transfer and she stated because this isn't a stimmed cycle which would give me the best chance, WHAT?!! I thought the whole point was they were going to see what I do naturally???? She seemed shocked when I said this, told me she would have to read my notes with the consultant and get back to me. I was quite angry and maybe a little short with her on the phone! She then called back and said the reason they won't transfer is because this hasn't been a monitored cycle so my womb lining could potentially crash, so I do need to have the Northisterone and when I have a bleed to then call in and they can start monitoring me.

Well I don't know why I feel so disappointed and angry, the outcome is what I expected, but I was given a bit of hope today and then it was stripped away again, just like that! Well that is the fucked up world of infertility I guess!!

So I guess I need to pick myself up again, slap on my fake smile and get on with it, at least to try and get through Christmas.

I haven't yet booked in for counselling, however a friend who is also going through IVF recommended someone who does 'matrix reimprinting' its something around pressure points and re focussing bad memories, anyone tried this or know much about it? Im going to book in after Christmas. I have however booked in for reflexology, my appointment is on Friday, I am really looking forward to it. A lady at work, who had successful ICSI and similar issues to me, stated that she truly believes her successful cycle was due to reflexology, anythings work a try right?!?! What are your experiences of reflexology??

I want to say Merry Christmas to all my readers, but Im guessing the majority of you are also experiencing infertility, so I will say just say, try and make the best of it, try and find something to be happy and grateful for, and hopefully next year we will all have the baby we so desperately are hoping for x x x x x

Whats the Point?!?!

Whats the point?!?! Eh.....what is the fucking point!!!

That is seriously how Im feeling at the moment! Im feeling pretty pissed off at the world! Its prob this 'festive' time of year too! Now don't get me wrong, Im not usually a 'bah humbug' type of person, I usually LOVE Christmas, I get right into it, the house gets decked out, I bake, I party, I celebrate! But this year......well this year.....I just can't be fucked!! I think as each Christmas goes by without a little one to be enjoying it with, or even a glimmer of hope that a little one is on the way, I just feel less and less excited about Christmas, less and less excited about life!

It probably hasn't helped that Ive put the decs up this week, late for us, usually its the 1st of December. That was an effort all in itself, neither of us enjoyed going to get the tree, it took me a couple of days to muster up the motivation to decorate it, so unlike me, unlike us, it just feels like this year we are purely going through the motions, getting swept up in what we are 'meant' to do. Last year was a horrendous Christmas as it came shortly after our 2ww following a failed IUI cycle, the 'expensive wank.' So we chose to bin it off, and spent the day in our pjs just the 2 of us, but it was awful, so depressing, so I guess this year we are 'trying' to make more of an effort, but it really is a huge EFFORT! Whilst going through the decs, I found the letter I wrote to myself last year, it is a little tradition of mine, in which I write events from the year, and hopes and wishes for the following year, now Im pretty sure u can all guess what the biggest wish was?!?! And of course to no avail!! I was also trying to soften the blow for myself, and stated that if no baby by the end of the year we would go to New York for New Year, well unfortunately our financial situation hasn't allowed for that, which was of course another blow!

Now I know Ive said this before but I am seriously considering counselling, I actually picked up a leaflet at the clinic this week, and have been catching up on the fertility podcast the most recent one I listened to, she interviewed Kathryn who blogs at Strength through Infertility someone I have followed on twitter for a while, now Kathryn has been through some all mighty shit!! And she is still finding the strength to continue with treatment......INCREDIBLE!! However she did have a break down, but prior to that, like me, didn't really feel she needed counselling, however once she had it, she wished she had tried much sooner. So I am finally finding the courage to seek it, I am going to discuss with D tonight to see how he also feels about it. So thank you Kathryn for helping to push me, and also to Natalie for highlighting it through the podcast.

Speaking of Natalies podcasts there is another which I feel I should direct people too, http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/onemoreshot/ in this one Natalie interviews a couple who have documented their process through film, I have yet to watch this but it sounds incredibly interesting and insightful! I have however watched the web series how to buy a baby and I would highly recommend anyone going through infertility to watch this!! Its amazing!! And I swear the first episode was based on us! Haha!! Especially how rude and un-compassionate the clinic are! Its very humorous but also quite sad. I showed it to a lot of friends of ours, who I think it has greatly helped them understand what we are going through. They really have done an excellent job on highlighting the struggles of infertility, the isolation, but also the ability to find some humour in it all.

So currently myself I am back in the land of limbo, that old familiar land of waiting, that the fertility journey brings. And also some annoyance. So after my last scan, which resulted in abandoning my second FET cycle, I was told to await a bleed and then call the clinic. With every other cycle after stopping drugs I have bled within a few days. However 3 weeks passed and still no bleed, so I called the clinic and got booked in for a scan. At the scan I was told my lining remained at 5.2mm, therefore was unlikely to bleed, so they have started me on another course of northesterone, to force a bleed. Hence my annoyance, if this was the case, why didn't they just straight away start me on this?? I also clarified the plan, as I was under the impression they were going to see what I did naturally, and if I thickened enough they would implant. However this is not the case, they want me to have a bleed, then call and get booked in for a scan mid-cycle, they will then see how thick I am, but regardless they won't implant! This is just for info, so they can then review me and decide a future plan......so more LIMBO!!

In other news, I have been much more open about my situation at work, I think now pretty much everyone knows! Not through my own choice but by other people talking, which kind of annoyed me as it was not my decision, however everyone has been very caring and supportive. It probably helps in that there is another woman from a different team but in the same office who is also going through IVF, we have confided in each other and both I think found this incredibly supportive. She is much more open than I am, and so we have openly talked about it in front of people. Whilst it was not my choice to be so open, I have actually found it quite enlightening, and a bit of a release to not be hiding it. Why should we hide it?? Why do people going through infertility feel they need to be so secretive? Why is there such a stigma around infertility???

FET cycle #2 FAIL!!

So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!

So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.

So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(

I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!

Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.

This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!

I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.

Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.

So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(

An Incredibly Tough Week

So this past week has not gone entirely as one would hope......and considering currently I should be trying to relax, and under as little stress as possible....well......that hasn't really gone to plan!

So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!

So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.

I chose option 2.

I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!

The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!

So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.

The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;

'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'

At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;

But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!

Well lets await the next scan and see..............

NFAW and a Podcast!

So this week it is 'National Fertility Awareness Week' or 'NFAW' here in the UK.

It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.

This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.

In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!

A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!

Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!

There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.

Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;

http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/

and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.

So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!

So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its'  another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!