Monday, 18 September 2017
FET Cycle Meltdown #1
Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!
Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!
So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....
So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.
So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!
So anyway moving on.....
The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!
So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)
So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.
So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!
Thursday, 14 September 2017
Preparing for FET
So here we go again!!!!!
This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!
So whats been going on since the last blog.....
Well quite a lot!
My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.
In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.
Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.
But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!
So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!
On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.
So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.
This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!
So whats been going on since the last blog.....
Well quite a lot!
My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.
In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.
Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.
But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!
So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!
On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.
So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.
Thursday, 15 June 2017
And we're back in the land of Limbo!
So the last time I blogged I was just about to undergo egg collection! We actually made it! Third time lucky and we made it to egg collection, whoop whoop!!
However......
It of course wasn't that straight forward! And what a weird experience that is! The first time I met our consultant was with my legs in stirrups and my fanjita on full show, in fact I think he saw my fanjita before my face!Though I did quite enjoy the effects of the midazalam and fentanyl, felt like quite a good night out ;p
So the first complication was that I was difficult to rouse due to my blood pressure being very low, I was so swollen that they had to drain me, so they had to give me some extra fluids, they also had to insert the needle more times than expected so put me on a precautionary course of antibiotics.
My poor husband.....when they wheeled my around I was still out of it, he asked if I was ok to be told by one of the nurses (not sure if Ive mentioned her before, but she's often been a bit of a twat!!!) that there had been some 'complications' he obviously panicked and it was a good while before anyone came and told us what those complications actually were! So the big thing they had to tell us was that I was in OHSS and the severity would be confirmed by a blood test, depending on the results would depend on whether they could do transfer this week or FET.
However the good news was that they took 23 follicles!!! 23!!!!! Hence why I was so damn swollen and sore! Also Ds sperm had improved massively, so much that the embryologist spoke to us about doing IVF as well as ICSI, which we of course accepted.
Being told that we may have to go for FET was a little dissapointing but at least I would then be well for my sisters hen weekend at the end of the month and her wedding in June, and the hard part was done now right? And no more injections, scans, etc now right? WRONG oh very WRONG!!!
So we left the hospital, me walking down the corridor like I had shit myself as I was so uncomfortable, being told to drink at least 4 protein shakes, antibiotics and a new drug Cabergoline for OHSS in our hands. Cabergoline by the way can cause the most hilarious side effects - an urge to gamble, shop, uncontrollable sexual interest, binge eating etc!! I didn't get any, in fact I was the total opposite I totally lost my appetite, only managing 1-2 protein shakes a day, i felt so incredibly sick, and as for sex.....haha nope!!! The next few days were horrific physically, I crawled up the stairs the first night and cried myself to sleep with the pain. The nausea was awful too, just the thought of food was enough to make me retch! And the tiredness, that was pretty extreme for almost 2 weeks, I just didn't know what to do with myself. The swelling was horrendous too, it took about 3 weeks for that to settle, at its worst I looked about 7 months pregnant!! Theres another kick in the face! Oh the irony!
So anyway the afternoon following EC we had a call to say I was confirmed OHSS and it was severe enough to not be able to transfer and we would need FET. The embryologist called the next day to tell us that 16 eggs had fertilised and 6 were IVF, which was amazing news, the next day she called again to say 15 had survived and would be frozen, I asked what that process entails, she got the nurse to call me back.
So all the way through this cycle we were aware that OHSS could happen and that we might need FET, so like I said earlier we were dissapointed but aware it could happen. When we left the clinic they just said we need to notify them when I have my next 'natural' bleed to start the process. Naively we assumed there would be no need for as many drugs they would just perhaps scan mid cycle and then put the embryo in......again WRONG!! So on the phone another train hit, that actually it would be another lengthy process of starting the pill, bloods, scans, buserelin injections, oestrogen pills, and progesterone suppositories!!!!!! WTF?!?!? Why is it never simple!! I so don't wanna have to go through buserelin again, the injecting thats fine, its the side effects, the emotional turmoil, its soul destroying! But hey, I will do anything, ANYTHING to get my BFP and my little bundle of joy at the end, but it always just seems so far away! Though we are closer to this time, it just doesn't always feel like it, as the title of this post suggests, we are back in limbo again, back in fucking limbo!!
So my emotions have been much more stable this time, I think I am just so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don't have many tears left, it gets mistaken by a lot of people who think I am coping much better this time, but it never gets better, things won't be better until we get that BFP! People don't understand that though, they think you get 'used to it' and I guess to a point you do, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, you just learn to cope and get on, but it doesn't mean its easy or Im OK! My support network seems to have deminshed a little too, not everyone, I still have D who's amazing, and some really close friends, but a few seem to have got bored with it all, they no longer ask, they no longer check, they no longer seem to care. That hurts it hurts a lot, paticuarly with one friend, one very good friend, well I considered a good friend, even a mother figure, back in November she was incredible she was my rock! And I will always appreciate that, however this time, she's been very off and distant with me, kept me at arms length and not really been there, it even feels like she's pushed me away. A few weeks ago I had a little chat with her and she told me this was a choice to undergo treatment and to 'suck it up.' I guess to some extent its a choice but thats easy to say when you already have children! I was pretty devastated at that comment, when I asked her about it she apologised, but I think just doesn't know what to say, she also told me I was aggressive! This really shocked me, I never ever intend to be and don't think I have been, I know the drugs have made me odd but I think this time Ive been able to control that!
But anyway we had a letter through for an appointment at the clinic on the 3rd of July so until then more limbo!
However......
It of course wasn't that straight forward! And what a weird experience that is! The first time I met our consultant was with my legs in stirrups and my fanjita on full show, in fact I think he saw my fanjita before my face!Though I did quite enjoy the effects of the midazalam and fentanyl, felt like quite a good night out ;p
So the first complication was that I was difficult to rouse due to my blood pressure being very low, I was so swollen that they had to drain me, so they had to give me some extra fluids, they also had to insert the needle more times than expected so put me on a precautionary course of antibiotics.
My poor husband.....when they wheeled my around I was still out of it, he asked if I was ok to be told by one of the nurses (not sure if Ive mentioned her before, but she's often been a bit of a twat!!!) that there had been some 'complications' he obviously panicked and it was a good while before anyone came and told us what those complications actually were! So the big thing they had to tell us was that I was in OHSS and the severity would be confirmed by a blood test, depending on the results would depend on whether they could do transfer this week or FET.
However the good news was that they took 23 follicles!!! 23!!!!! Hence why I was so damn swollen and sore! Also Ds sperm had improved massively, so much that the embryologist spoke to us about doing IVF as well as ICSI, which we of course accepted.
Being told that we may have to go for FET was a little dissapointing but at least I would then be well for my sisters hen weekend at the end of the month and her wedding in June, and the hard part was done now right? And no more injections, scans, etc now right? WRONG oh very WRONG!!!
So we left the hospital, me walking down the corridor like I had shit myself as I was so uncomfortable, being told to drink at least 4 protein shakes, antibiotics and a new drug Cabergoline for OHSS in our hands. Cabergoline by the way can cause the most hilarious side effects - an urge to gamble, shop, uncontrollable sexual interest, binge eating etc!! I didn't get any, in fact I was the total opposite I totally lost my appetite, only managing 1-2 protein shakes a day, i felt so incredibly sick, and as for sex.....haha nope!!! The next few days were horrific physically, I crawled up the stairs the first night and cried myself to sleep with the pain. The nausea was awful too, just the thought of food was enough to make me retch! And the tiredness, that was pretty extreme for almost 2 weeks, I just didn't know what to do with myself. The swelling was horrendous too, it took about 3 weeks for that to settle, at its worst I looked about 7 months pregnant!! Theres another kick in the face! Oh the irony!
So anyway the afternoon following EC we had a call to say I was confirmed OHSS and it was severe enough to not be able to transfer and we would need FET. The embryologist called the next day to tell us that 16 eggs had fertilised and 6 were IVF, which was amazing news, the next day she called again to say 15 had survived and would be frozen, I asked what that process entails, she got the nurse to call me back.
So all the way through this cycle we were aware that OHSS could happen and that we might need FET, so like I said earlier we were dissapointed but aware it could happen. When we left the clinic they just said we need to notify them when I have my next 'natural' bleed to start the process. Naively we assumed there would be no need for as many drugs they would just perhaps scan mid cycle and then put the embryo in......again WRONG!! So on the phone another train hit, that actually it would be another lengthy process of starting the pill, bloods, scans, buserelin injections, oestrogen pills, and progesterone suppositories!!!!!! WTF?!?!? Why is it never simple!! I so don't wanna have to go through buserelin again, the injecting thats fine, its the side effects, the emotional turmoil, its soul destroying! But hey, I will do anything, ANYTHING to get my BFP and my little bundle of joy at the end, but it always just seems so far away! Though we are closer to this time, it just doesn't always feel like it, as the title of this post suggests, we are back in limbo again, back in fucking limbo!!
So my emotions have been much more stable this time, I think I am just so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don't have many tears left, it gets mistaken by a lot of people who think I am coping much better this time, but it never gets better, things won't be better until we get that BFP! People don't understand that though, they think you get 'used to it' and I guess to a point you do, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, you just learn to cope and get on, but it doesn't mean its easy or Im OK! My support network seems to have deminshed a little too, not everyone, I still have D who's amazing, and some really close friends, but a few seem to have got bored with it all, they no longer ask, they no longer check, they no longer seem to care. That hurts it hurts a lot, paticuarly with one friend, one very good friend, well I considered a good friend, even a mother figure, back in November she was incredible she was my rock! And I will always appreciate that, however this time, she's been very off and distant with me, kept me at arms length and not really been there, it even feels like she's pushed me away. A few weeks ago I had a little chat with her and she told me this was a choice to undergo treatment and to 'suck it up.' I guess to some extent its a choice but thats easy to say when you already have children! I was pretty devastated at that comment, when I asked her about it she apologised, but I think just doesn't know what to say, she also told me I was aggressive! This really shocked me, I never ever intend to be and don't think I have been, I know the drugs have made me odd but I think this time Ive been able to control that!
But anyway we had a letter through for an appointment at the clinic on the 3rd of July so until then more limbo!
Sunday, 7 May 2017
Nervously Excited
So Im currently sitting here at the computer wanting to blog, but also in a lot of pain, feeling sick and a little dizzy!! This may take me a while I think I may need to go lay down and come back......
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
......Im back!! Oh I hate this, I don't do ill!!! However in a weird sort of way I'm pleased to be ill, as it means something is actually happening, I actually have some follicles!! 'Some' may be a bit of an understatement....as currently I have a total of 46 follicles (16 large ones)!!!! No wander I'm in so much discomfort, and look as though Im 6 months pregnant, which yesterday I got congratulated on in the hairdressers #awkward! Though Im a little confused on the amount of follicles I have, the warnings I had about my risks of OHSS, the fact that they 'abandoned' (still hate that term) on cycle #1 due to me having 16 follicles and in mild OHSS, and now I have 46 they don't seem too concerned?!?! #confused! However Im soooo happy that they're not abandoning and continuing to EC on Mon! I still can't believe I get to say that, we are actually at this stage!
Don't worry though Im under no illusion that this is it, things will work out, I totally get that there are still many more hurdles to overcome, the follicles could be shit, D could have no good sperm, they may not fertilise, the transfer might not take, I could get pregnant and miscarry, I know I know, we still have a long way to go, but the thing is, we've come the furthest yet!!!
And from my reading (which Ive had to do as the clinic is shit and tell me fuck all information!!!) Ive realised that actually my risk of OHSS doesn't go away after Mon, in fact it could get worse, so there is every possibility that ET may not go ahead next week, they did however actually tell us at the clinic that we may need a FET when I recover.
So how am I feeling??? Many friends are asking me the same question, well.... apart from physically shit! Which is no issue, I can handle that, I'd so much rather be a physical mess than an emotional one, I have a high pain threshold, which I so proudly told the sonographer on my first scan of this cycle, however during my most recent one on Fri, she may have questioned that.....when I probably looked like I wanted to punch her into next week, after I felt like she was counting my tonsils as oppose to my follicles!! That was the most painful scan yet, leading to me almost passing out :O
Anyway 'Nervously excited' seems to sum up my feelings pretty well...I'm excited that this is the furthest we've come, and that potentially things could have a positive outcome, but also pretty nervous of the seriousness that OHSS could bring if it occurs, and of course the utmost fear that things may not work out AGAIN.....if that happens, it is game over for us as far as NHS funding goes, and our financial situation also means it would be game over :( that is without getting ourselves into horrendous debt, but I can't think about that right now, I need to block that out, and 'try' and take each day as it comes.
My emotions this time around have been much easier to control, it was pretty scary how dark I felt last time, never have I ever been in that place, nor do I ever want to go back there, I have never divulged the true intensity of those feelings to anyone, nor do I think I will, not for some time yet, not until there is no chance of those happening again.
This time I feel 'positively negative' if that makes sense??? Im negative in that I am fully aware that things may not work out, but not in a negative way, in a way in that I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, though if that becomes the case, I am pretty scared of how I may react, and not sure I am ready to handle that.
Acupuncture....I truly feel that has had a significant impact on controlling my feelings, and also helping in improving follicles, does it sound wrong that I have much more faith in my acupuncturist than I do in the medical HCPs?! She is much more kind, more hollistic, and always runs on time!!
So here we go, trigger shot happened last night, I had my first 'lie in' in a month, 0930 tomorrow morning I will be in the clinic about to undergo EC!!!
I'm off back to the sofa to watch shit TV!!
Thursday, 6 April 2017
Third Time Lucky!
So I am terrible at this whole blogging thing!!! Its been 2 months!! Ooops!!
Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)
I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot! And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!
The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.
So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!
I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!
A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!
So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.
So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!
Well I did say right from the off, I wasnt sure how this was gonna go, was I gonna be committed and blog weekly? Was I going to be sporadic? Was I not gonna do it at all?! Well turns out I'm sporadic! Which is a bit like me really, so that fits ;)
I blog a lot in my head, I am a bit of a dreamer some might say, and often have big plans, and good intentions on getting things done, but often leave myself little time to do all the things I want to do! I think a lot, overthink a lot! And am busy, very busy, distracted I guess, intentional?! Most probably! But thats the way I like it, I like to be busy, Im a 'social butterfly' always on the go, but thats OK, it stops me being able to think to much, it redirects my thoughts and emotions!
The point of this blogging thing along with my twitter really was to vent, if I needed to, say those things I struggle to say, and also to document this journey, this effing journey, this effing rollercoaster, this effing train I would very much like to get off, but would rather I get off at the beautiful destination we have in mind, the one with the healthy baby at the end, lets hope we dont have to get off before.
So anyway I never did update you (whoever you might be, do people even read this??) on our appointment at the clinic on the 14th February......well thats if I can remember it?!?! Wish I wrote this sooner!! So it was our 7th wedding anniversary, whoop whoop! And what a way to spend it! So we saw the consultant, this always makes us nervous, as think I mentioned before, you only really see her when something is wrong! However that wasnt the case. Im guessing we saw her as things are a little complex.......however they are happening! They will be doing another round of ICSI with egg collection week scheduled for the 8th May. I will again be doing the long protocol, however they will double the dose of the menopur, which with my PCOS and high AMH carries a higher risk of OHSS, hence why the consultant was talking to us, to ensure we were happy to take the risk, we are, I am. They have also introduced metformin, which is suppost to have good results in PCOS, why are they only doing this now?!?! One of the many frustrations with the damn clinic!!
I started the metformin the following day, increasing the dose each week, first week - no issues, though second week came the tiredness, nausea and diarrhea. I am now almost 2 months into it, and am feeling much better, however still have the occasional nausea and diarrhea depending on what I eat. My appettite has lessened and I have lost half a stone, another whoop whoop!!
A couple of weeks after the appt, the protocol got sent through, they had changed my down regulation drug to buserelin. This confused and worried me, I was told right from the beginning I couldnt have buserelin as I would almost certainly go into OHSS, this wasnt discussed at our appt in Feb, so I presumed they had made a mistake. Also the decopeptyl they gave me last round, worked really well, maybe too well, menopause was a bitch!!! So I rang the clinic, and nope....they had not made a mistake, apparently it had been discussed with 2 consultants who had made the decision that despite the risk of OHSS, they felt my only chance would be the buserelin :o Would have been nice to have this properly discussed!!! Especially with these kind of risks!
So here I am, a few days before starting the buserelin, several chinese acupuncture sessions in (which are great by the way! Defo making me feel more chilled and sleeping better). Im sure there is so many other blogs that have been written in my head, that I have forgotten to include within this blog, however all of what you have read is what has sprouted up in my sporadic mind this morning!! At this moment in time, I am feeling quite positive, my friends have been amazing, I have had a spa day, lots of lunches, a pedicure, and recently have just spent time with lots of people who matter, though not enough time with my fabulous husband, due unfortunately to working a lot! I am a little apprehensive, well I guess probably a lot more than a little, but I think right now, my wall is up, my positivity shield is in force and I am seriously trying to not think about the huge risks I am facing, and trying to focus on the positives; '3rd time lucky,' acupuncture (statistics say double your chance), started metformin, supportive friends and husband.
So here we go again!!!!!!! Round 3 we are ready for you!!
Wednesday, 8 February 2017
In Limbo, acupuncture, and so called friends.
So its been a while....Ive been on and off twitter lately....
TBH I've been on and off life!
I have been so up and down, Ive even questioned as to whether I'm bi-polar or something? I'm not, I know I'm not! Though it is one of my greatest fears, my Mum is....my Grandad was.....:o
So I do always fear, but I am 30 now, and been through a lot of things, people haven't experienced by the time they're 60. So I'm guessing if it was going to it would have happened, or there would have been signs by now?? I discussed with it my husband, and hes been feeling the same as me, so we've come to the conclusion its environmental! Studies suggest that IVF/ICSI can be as stressful as cancer, and you know what, I can quite believe that!! But how can you say that to people?! People...unless they have been through IVF/ICSI they don't get it, some try, some don't, but don't think many would accept its as stressful as cancer!
This leads me to todays rant, Ive said this many times before, I have a lot of friends, to which I am very grateful. Most are wonderful, some not so much, and this journey certainly either brings them closer or pushes them away. There are a few though, not sure if anyone else experiences it, but those friends who seem to be absolutely incredible in a crisis, when things go wrong, you're feeling a mess, they are there, there in a heartbeat, and amazing at that moment in time, though what they don't seem to realise, is that next day, that next time they see me, when I seem 'OK' I have my wall up, my fake but believable smile, underneath I am actually still not 'OK,' and I still need them, I need them to be normal, I need them to do those normal fun things, but they don't, they think I'm fine so they walk away they leave me to it, which then makes me feel alone. But those friends seem to want to be around when I'm sad and in a crisis, but when I'm happy, silly or even drunk, they don't want to know or they even push me away! But surely I must be nicer to be around, when I'm my usual happy, positive self?! I just don't get it!!! Answers on a postcard please!!!
But anyway my last post I was feeling more positive.....well....I can be....some days!!! But I'm still getting those bastard negative days! I think those bastard hormones are still playing havoc! I'm still in limbo, we're still in Limbo, me and D.
I think that's whats so frustrating that uncertainty, the unknown, that limbo! But hopefully we'll have some answers soon, we have an appointment with the consultant next week, 14th Feb, our 7yr wedding anniversary! Hopefully that will bring us some luck :o
In the mean time Ive been trying to be pro active, Ive been having acupuncture, Ive had 3 sessions so far, and I Love it!! I feel amazing after, so chilled and calm, Ive been sleeping better since and no more hot flushes (MY GOD THEY SUCK!!!!). Though I still haven't seen AF, I am now on day 65 of my cycle!!!!! What the F is going on there?!?! My acupuncturist is lovely, and is in a very remote peaceful location however has been quite unreliable, so tomorrow I am going to a traditional chinese acupuncturist, kinda nervous, kinda excited!!
Anyway hopefully will have some updates and less limbo talk soon!
TBH I've been on and off life!
I have been so up and down, Ive even questioned as to whether I'm bi-polar or something? I'm not, I know I'm not! Though it is one of my greatest fears, my Mum is....my Grandad was.....:o
So I do always fear, but I am 30 now, and been through a lot of things, people haven't experienced by the time they're 60. So I'm guessing if it was going to it would have happened, or there would have been signs by now?? I discussed with it my husband, and hes been feeling the same as me, so we've come to the conclusion its environmental! Studies suggest that IVF/ICSI can be as stressful as cancer, and you know what, I can quite believe that!! But how can you say that to people?! People...unless they have been through IVF/ICSI they don't get it, some try, some don't, but don't think many would accept its as stressful as cancer!
This leads me to todays rant, Ive said this many times before, I have a lot of friends, to which I am very grateful. Most are wonderful, some not so much, and this journey certainly either brings them closer or pushes them away. There are a few though, not sure if anyone else experiences it, but those friends who seem to be absolutely incredible in a crisis, when things go wrong, you're feeling a mess, they are there, there in a heartbeat, and amazing at that moment in time, though what they don't seem to realise, is that next day, that next time they see me, when I seem 'OK' I have my wall up, my fake but believable smile, underneath I am actually still not 'OK,' and I still need them, I need them to be normal, I need them to do those normal fun things, but they don't, they think I'm fine so they walk away they leave me to it, which then makes me feel alone. But those friends seem to want to be around when I'm sad and in a crisis, but when I'm happy, silly or even drunk, they don't want to know or they even push me away! But surely I must be nicer to be around, when I'm my usual happy, positive self?! I just don't get it!!! Answers on a postcard please!!!
But anyway my last post I was feeling more positive.....well....I can be....some days!!! But I'm still getting those bastard negative days! I think those bastard hormones are still playing havoc! I'm still in limbo, we're still in Limbo, me and D.
I think that's whats so frustrating that uncertainty, the unknown, that limbo! But hopefully we'll have some answers soon, we have an appointment with the consultant next week, 14th Feb, our 7yr wedding anniversary! Hopefully that will bring us some luck :o
In the mean time Ive been trying to be pro active, Ive been having acupuncture, Ive had 3 sessions so far, and I Love it!! I feel amazing after, so chilled and calm, Ive been sleeping better since and no more hot flushes (MY GOD THEY SUCK!!!!). Though I still haven't seen AF, I am now on day 65 of my cycle!!!!! What the F is going on there?!?! My acupuncturist is lovely, and is in a very remote peaceful location however has been quite unreliable, so tomorrow I am going to a traditional chinese acupuncturist, kinda nervous, kinda excited!!
Anyway hopefully will have some updates and less limbo talk soon!
Sunday, 1 January 2017
New Year New Positivity
So it is the first day of 2017.....
It is safe to say that 2016 was pretty crap!! Well it was pretty crap not just for me but much of the world! So much crazy stuff happened, the universe was certainly out of balance!
But it wasnt all bad, there were some positives, we moved to a bigger house in a nice neighbourhood, close to work, close to friends and family etc. Had some lovely breaks away, lots of nice trips with friends etc.
Im not sure what it is, whats happened or why, but all of a sudden I can see some light, I feel more myself and more able to think positively. I havent cried for 2 days now!! Seems silly but thats a huge achievement compared to lately! My smile feels more real, though dont get me wrong the pain is still there, if I think about the last year, if I think to much about what we dont have, and what more we have to go through, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that pain in my heart, but I am more able to block it out, I am more able to think positive.
I have had a few good night shifts at work the past few days, I have actually slept! The hot flushes have lessened, and am just feeling more ME!
Maybe its that whole new year, new start thing?! Who knows! But I'm going with it! Im starting a fresh, am looking forward to acupuncture, reading my PCOS book, thinking more postively, eating more healthily and being thankful for the good things I have; my wonderful D, my amazing sister, and fantastic friends, having a job I love, a stupid labrador, and a house with so much potential.
So heres to 2017! Hopefully a better year, with a better ending!
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!
Much Love xox
It is safe to say that 2016 was pretty crap!! Well it was pretty crap not just for me but much of the world! So much crazy stuff happened, the universe was certainly out of balance!
But it wasnt all bad, there were some positives, we moved to a bigger house in a nice neighbourhood, close to work, close to friends and family etc. Had some lovely breaks away, lots of nice trips with friends etc.
Im not sure what it is, whats happened or why, but all of a sudden I can see some light, I feel more myself and more able to think positively. I havent cried for 2 days now!! Seems silly but thats a huge achievement compared to lately! My smile feels more real, though dont get me wrong the pain is still there, if I think about the last year, if I think to much about what we dont have, and what more we have to go through, I get that sinking feeling in my stomach, that lump in my throat, that pain in my heart, but I am more able to block it out, I am more able to think positive.
I have had a few good night shifts at work the past few days, I have actually slept! The hot flushes have lessened, and am just feeling more ME!
Maybe its that whole new year, new start thing?! Who knows! But I'm going with it! Im starting a fresh, am looking forward to acupuncture, reading my PCOS book, thinking more postively, eating more healthily and being thankful for the good things I have; my wonderful D, my amazing sister, and fantastic friends, having a job I love, a stupid labrador, and a house with so much potential.
So heres to 2017! Hopefully a better year, with a better ending!
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!
Much Love xox
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