Merry Fucking Christmas!!

Well.....so Christmas....its come and gone!

Usually I love Christmas..but this year we didn't get what we want, we're still sitting here, childless and feeling pretty hopeless! So it was crap!

We had decided a while back that we wanted to spend Christmas just the 2 of us, but oh my did it cause issues! Surprisingly not with my family, my family actually got it! But Ds family really didn't, his mum got quite upset, and his brother has been awkward, so so awkward! But hey ho thats another story! However its been most unhelpful, especially for D, its really upset him, and its just not fair! Familys eh?!

Anyway this one still loves us, and helped put a forced smile on our faces.....

So anyway where are we now.....well nowhere, and thats just how it feels, we're fucking nowhere!!! We're in that limbo, after failing ICSI and IUI to waiting...oh that wait, thats all to familiar in the land of infertility! Though this time its different, its harder, why?! Well who knows, we couldn't tell you! Maybe its this maybe its that, theres oh so many maybes!! But I think the biggest thing is, the IUI just raised our hopes so much and then the fall was harder, so much harder. Its been several weeks now, but Im still crying most days, particularly when I wake and when I go to sleep, and the hot flushes they're still coming particularly at night, though I had the last decopeptyl (down regulator) beginning of November, so would have expected that to stop?!! And D, he's really struggling, which I think is whats hurting me the most, I cant stand to see him heartbroken, I love him so much and to see him hurting, hurts me!

However I have tried to be pro active, I have booked in for acupuncture on the 9th Jan, Ive heard good things....Ive also bought a book '8 steps to reverse your PCOS' so.....we'll see! Ive also been looking into adoption, thinking it might help, but it hasn't! I was very against the idea, I was in the camp of 'if we cant have a biological child, then we'll just be those people who have lots of holidays and dogs!' But D wasn't he had adoption on his radar, and the idea has grown on me, so needing to know my options I looked into it, but due to my asshole father and my bi-polar mother it complicates things! It will be another horrendous heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster, that right now I don't know that I can handle. But hey I'm probably getting ahead of myself, lets await the next plans from the clinic and hope that with the acupuncture ICSI might work?!

Then theres my friends, I have many, but through this journey, some have become distant, some have become closer, which is most probably down to me, I push people away, I put on my smile and people think Im fine, though some have realised Im not and have become closer, but still people don't quite get it they don't quite get me! I don't ask for help, I may subtly...you know...' do u fancy a cuppa?' 'dog walk' 'lunch' when really Im saying, HELP I need a friend! But I cant do that! Why cant I? Im the first to drop everything and go when my friends need me, but my friends often let me down, though they think they are just letting me down on 'a cuppa.'

Anyway until next time.......

Heartbreak

So yesterday we ended our 'two week wait' following our IUI procedure (see previous post).

I finished a nightshift, and drove home, I live less than 10 mins from work, but my goodness that drive felt like hours!! My stomach was in knots, my heart in my mouth, I am not religious, but maybe theres something out there?! Who knows, I wasnt taking any chances, so I prayed the whole way home! I parked on the drive, and bursting for a wee (I'd not Pu'd for approx 5 hours!!) burst into the door, ran up the stairs closely followed by D and the dog!

I pee'd on the stick (a basic one, from my amazon bulk buy!) (just half a wee in case I need to retest!) and began the timer.....'STOP looking at it', D begs, as I sit there fixated and watching, hoping, praying for that second line...'how long has it been' desperation in my voice, '1 min' wow those 5 mins go by sooooooo damn slowly.....finally 5 mins are up, and we both look in desperation.....OMG I think I see something, its faint....could it be just a crease in the window...could it be a shadow...could it be a POSITIVE!?!?!? Some hope!! D's not convinced, but wanting to be extra sure, I rip open the digital one, the one we've been saving, the one that is suppost to give us that BFP!! So again I pee on the stick, again those mins go so damn slow, we both sit there holding each other, hoping, my hopes raised, watching that little timer...then...then those words...'NOT PREGNANT'

WOW another train just hit, those fuckers just keep coming, though this time, how do we move ourselves off those tracks?!?! I howl....tears streaming down my face, snot all over Ds jumper, we sat there on the floor outside the bathroom, holding each other both crying, the dog trying to comfort us, but we were inconsolable, we were HEARTBROKEN!!! This was suppost to be it, this was suppost to be our chance, this was suppost to work! Why?! Why didnt it?! I had 2 eggs, 2 fucking eggs, D has sperm, it was washed, it was suppost to be better, I was healthy, I relaxed, I did everything right, I ate healthy, I didnt stress, why?! FUCKING WHY?!?! Its so unfucking fair!!! FUCK this hurts, this hearts so fucking bad!!! Fuck this world, just FUCK it!!!!!

I pull myself together enough to remember I need to call the clinic. They dont start until 8am, I dont want to talk to anyone, its 740, brill I can just leave a message, but nope...someone is in early...they answer....they were lovely, but she could hear in my voice how devastated I was. 'So what now?' I ask...'well the emryologists and consultants will get together review the notes, work out whats gone wrong and make a plan as to what/if can be done next, then call us in for a consultation, though that wont be until Feb/March' So here we go again....that aganosing wait.......

I am writing this the day after, after spending the whole day yesterday crying, I just dont know what to do with myself right now, I cant see a way forward, I know I will, but that day seems far away, I feel so dark right now, so empty....so heartbroken. And D, D, he is distraught, I cant stand seeing him cry, I cant stand seeing him heartbroken. We are the envy of most of our friends, we have the best relationship, we talk, we laugh, we are honest, but this, this is something else, I dont know what to say to him, he doesnt know what to say to me, how do we move on??? More waiting?! Though I dont know that I have it in me, I dont know that I can continue with this journey, Im sure I will, but right now I am just so heartbroken, I have never felt this numb before, this heartbroken.

ICSI Cycle #2 and IUI

So November came around....it seemed to take a while!

Though fortunately during the wait we got to celebrate my 30th Birthday with a grand trip to London staying at the Shard!!!!!!

It was certainly a welcome distraction in which we had a lot of fun ;)

Anyway.....so November......well prior to that I started the pill, though this time I only had to do 1 month on it, and didnt have as many symptoms, skin was OK, boobs were OK etc.

The next step was to have the injection to down regulate me...as Cetrotide didnt work last time, they decided to opt for 'Prostab' STAB how awful!! What an awful name! But anyway thats beside the point! So this injection was a one off IM injection in my ARSE! I had to have this mid October....so...the day came around to head to the clinic to have the injection, it was our first time back since our 'abandoned' (still hate that term!) cycle we had in August....so anxiety levels were probably running a little high, this wasnt helped by the fuckwits! So I was sent a prescription to collect the injection on the day of my appointment, I decided to turn up early in case there was a wait at pharmacy....there was no wait....however...there was an issue.....a big issue....they didnt have the drug!!!! ARGHHH?!?!!! It HAD to be done that day, it HAD to, things couldnt be delayed again, the wait has been agonising! I began getting stressed, anxious, pacing, wating, wandering...what happens now?!?! WTF?! Well after lots of phonecalls, visits to each pharmacy in the hospital, lots of waiting, eventually they decided to give me a different drug - Decopeptyl which was basically the same thing, so I was told! Why didnt they just do that in the first place?!?!?? SOOOOOOO Frustrating!!! Anyway they gave me the injection in my ARSE! Not too painful, it bled....was sent on my way to come back in November for my first scan....in the mean time the symptoms began.....the hot flushes, brain fog, irrational emotions, you name it I had it!! But hey...this is a good thing right?! Symptoms mean its working, right?!

So November came around, and I went for my first scan, all was well so they started me on the stimulation drug menopur at a dose of 150units, I was sent away and began injecting to come back in 5 days for a further scan, aiming for egg collection the following week.....nothing to be seen - possibly some very small follicles but nothing much....next scan 4 days later....2 very small follicles - but nothing much happening.....hmmmmmm am beginning to get a little worried, they tell me I'm slow, but thats OK they dont want me to grow too quick because of my OHSS risk. The next scan comes around and no change...at this point my emotions are out of control, I had a horrendous weekend....poor D he got the brunt of that one, it included me breaking down and crying on the kitchen floor for 20 minutes, and the following day punching a glass window (fortunately it didnt break!)  I was raging! Proper RAGING! Ive never experienced anything like that before, I was out of control, it was scary, it scared D! The next 3 days at work, fortunately were quiet, fortunately I was working with amazing team mates, fortunately my boss was extremely supportive, fortunately I kept my emotions under control....well on face I did!

At the next scan on the Tues, again there was no change, egg collection most definitely wasnt going to be happening this week, which in some ways, wasnt a bad thing, one of my best friends weddings was on the Friday, this meant I would be able to attend, though they wanted to scan me the Friday morning, which meant I would miss out on traveling down on the Thursday with friends, but it was OK I would get to stay until the Sun. The scan on Friday came, and guess what.....no change!!!! Whilst I was frustrated, worried, and scared of what this meant, I blocked it out.....it was my best friends wedding!! And what an amazing wedding it was, she was so happy and beautiful! And it was an incredible weekend with incredible people, another very welcome distraction in beautiful Cornwall! I held it together throughout most of the weekend, I didnt want to be 'that person' feeling sorry for themselves, its not my style, and I was genuinely so happy for my lovely friend. However the Sunday, the last day, it was almost time to broach reality, emotions came flooding back in that day and I couldnt hold it in, maybe it was this view......

So anyway...Monday came I was back home and it was back to the clinic we went....a different sonographer today, she was lovely, so thorough, and WOW what we saw on the screen.... '2 big ones' then LOTS, LOTS of little ones I mean LOTS, we all lost count! So many!! So off we went to wait in the waiting room 'fight club' (see other blog post). We sat there quite excited, so '2 big ones' they'll probably let those go, and then they'll continue and wait for the other follicles to reach a good enough size for collection, ?maybe the end of the week....those were the thoughts going through our heads! Now, having been to the clinic several times now in the past year, we have learnt to read things such as; depending on who calls you in for consultation will depend on the news we are about to receive;

• Regular nurse - good news - with simple instructions to continue
• Specialist nurse - more complicated news either good or bad
• Consultant - SHIT its bad news!!

So.....our names get called out.....and its the consultant....SHIT!!! Its going to be bad news...our stomachs in knots we head in to the room......

She talks us through the scan, stating what we saw....then the shocker....the kicker....those words again......'ABANDON'......our hearts sank, my eyes filled with tears, not again! Why?! We didnt understand. She explained our options;

1.  We could collect the 2 possible eggs that we can see, however it is highly unlikely that we would have success from just 2 follicles and there is no guarantee the eggs would be of any quality, this would also then use up our 1 free shot on the NHS.
2. Completely abandon this  cycle and start again when I have recovered.
3. We try IUI.....but theres a catch...our NHS trust wont fund it and we would have to pay £1k, there is a less than 10% chance of it working, and we have to decide NOW!!

So we pop out for 10 mins discuss our options....lots of thoughts running through our heads....where do we get the money?? Thats easy - credit card. But its alot of money...but it could be the best £1k we've ever spent! We decided, some chance is better than no chance! So we went back in and said we would go for it!

I took the trigger shot that night, emotions still all over the place, dissapointed and angry that ICSI hadnt worked, scared and anxious that IUI also might not, but also excited that we have a chance!

So Wednesday came around, I have never seen D so anxious, he was pacing, couldnt talk to me, didnt want me to talk to him, I didnt know what to say, what to do, I tried to help by making jokes etc, but it was making it worse! Off he went 'to do his thing' minutes seemed like hours, whilst I was waiting, what a weird waiting room that was! I sat there not knowing what to do, what to think, holding my crystals given to me by a spirutal friend, which in that moment did give me some comfort. He was back!! With the biggest smile on his face! He was so relieved in more ways than one! So now we wait again, we wait whilst they wash his sperm, 90 mins go by, and then it is my turn.....I wont bore you with those details...it happened, they did what they needed to do, I had the IUI procedure.

We went home to begin our 'two week wait' it hasnt been to bad, I had a few days off work, and rested, I actually did rest! I couldnt do any other, I felt awful, so tired and nauseous. Ive had a lot of symptoms during these 2 weeks, sore boobs, increased awareness of smell, bloating, cramping, nausea, tiredness you name it! However I am also taking progesterone (thats ermmmmmm fun!) which gives you the same symptoms as pregnancy, as if this whole journey isnt head fuckable enough, something is thrown in to fuck with it! On the positive side however, I have been much more emotionally stable, so I can only presume that the menopur was giving me the horrendous mood swings!

So anyway I am ending this post on the 7th December, ending my night shift about to go home to test...........

ICSI Cycle #1

So May 2016 I started the pill, I had 2 months of this prior to starting injections in July.

So the day came for my first scan, both of us feeling nervous but also excited, we were very hopeful and felt that the odds were in our favour.... I mean logically we had a lot of good points;

• both young, fit and healthy
• D had sperm, it wasn't as if he had none
• I had eggs, and nothing wrong with my uterus

So in we went feeling extremely hopeful! 

My protocol had been adapted due to me having high AMH levels (100+) so other than the pill I didn't have anything at this point to down regulate me.

I began the stimulation injection menopur at 75units. 

After 2 days I already was feeling bloated and nauseous, and also felt as if I was getting a cold. On day 5 I went for a follow up scan and already had 16 follicles!! SIXTEEN!!!! WOW! We were excited, but oh wait.....there was concern of me developing OHSS so they continued with the same dose and brought me back for a scan on the Wed, by this point I was beginning to feel quite emotional, maybe the drugs??? Maybe the situation??? 

On Wed they scanned me and were happy for me to continue and starting the down regulation drug cetrotide. I now had 2 injections to give myself each night, I was also still working at this point, so it was interesting trying to hide it at work! Some colleagues (good friends) knew and I was fortunate that they were extremely supportive. 

On the Friday I had another scan, not much had changed so they were happy that I was not going into OHSS. 

I worked the weekend and the Sunday, I was in horrendous pain lots of cramping and felt hugely bloated, my boss noticed and was concerned, as was my husband when I got home that evening, but I persevered and assured them that I was 'OK' but really I wasn't!

Another scan on the Mon, which was suppost to be egg collection week so I was now off work. No more follicles but also no growth in the ones that were there, so they decided to increase the menopur dose to 150units, with a scan again on Friday. Feeling a little dissapointed and unsure as to what was happening we continued through that week, me injecting myself each evening, feeling emotional, but physically I was feeling better, this concerned me, as surely if the follicles were growing I would be feeling worse?????

Friday came around and unfortunately I was right.......no further growth...they were going to 'abandon,' what an awful term! We HATE that word 'abandon' why not just stay 'stop' abandon sounds so aggressive, as if it is a choice and you are running away!

So anyway that hit us like a train, I burst into tears, which let to D burning into tears, which led to the nurse bursting in to tears! I felt like my world and all hope had just come down around me! We were not prepared for this..no one told us this could happen at this stage! I felt sick, scared and not knowing what to do with myself.....she sent us home to await news from the consultant after lunch time.

We went out to eat, sitting there in silence, just hugging each other not wanting to eat, not knowing what to say, but knowing we had each other. We came home and awaited the call.........

B the nurse called and told us to stop injecting, and come see the consultant on Monday. That was it, all she said....

That left us with so many questions, what does that mean?? Is that further options?? Is that game over??? WHAT??? WHAT NOW???

So all weekend, I struggled, D kept busy, but I I couldn't....I slept and cried, slept and cried. My boss visited me and was so kind, I put on a brave face, but was struggling, she knew.......she helped. I pulled myself together went to waitrose (shopping always helps!) got my paint brushes out and painted a chair! (Love Annie Sloan!)

However that was such a heart wrenching and devastating weekend, we were heart broken. We just weren't prepared for something to go wrong at this stage, the one thing we really hate about our clinic is the lack of information given, I am someone who needs to know EVERYTHING!! Good or bad! Thank God for Google! and Twitter!

So Monday came....the consultant was lovely, so kind, reassuring and positive. She told us they were quite bemused at why I had stopped growing, with my AMH level at 100 it didn't make sense, however it didn't mean game over at all, it just meant we had to try again but using a different protocol! 

However there would be a strong chance that I would develop OHSS on the next protocol, so they would do egg collection, and freeze the embryos, let me recover and then implant. So the success rate would be lower, but at least it wasn't game over! 

If only we were told that on Friday we could have avoided such a painful weekend, but hey this is the game of infertility....and so begin the agonising wait for the next batch to begin in November!

The Start of Our Infertility Jouney

So this post has been sitting in my drafts unfinished ever since I started this blog, the intention was to make this my first blog, now I am currently off sick and told to rest so here goes.....


So a little history.....

I guess I should talk about what is actually going on and the whole reason why I need to blog!

Well....

Me and husband D have been married now for 6 years, together for 11.

Kids have always been on the cards but we decided to wait until we bought a house, got married, I completed my degree etc.

I was on the contraceptive pill Loestrin but in October 2013 I had a breakthrough bleed (shouldn't have any bleeds whilst on Loestrin) I had finished my degree in September 2013 and we were planning to start TTC in March 2014 after our 'last big holiday' so we decided I would stop the pill in October and 'be careful' up until March when we would 'properly' start trying. Between October and March there were a couple of times in which we weren't quite so careful, due to lack of supplies......though nothing happened. Whilst we weren't to concerned as ideally didn't want to get pregnant then anyway, it did get my mind wandering.

We did however start trying in March.......during the holiday ;)

After my bleed in October I then didn't have another one until May, and then the following January! And after trying since March we knew something was wrong....
We did everything right too, maybe too right! I quit smoking, didn't drink any alcohol what so ever (accept on a cheeky break away to Berlin in October 2014) ate really healthily and exercised regularly, I treated my body as if I was already pregnant.

December 2014 I wasn't feeling quite right, I had tender boobs, feeling nauseous and fatigued, could this be it? I began to get excited, thinking maybe....?! I therefore did a pregnancy test......but it was a big fat NO!! I talked with my sister who had a pregnancy at 16 ending in miscarriage and had very similar symptoms to her, she too did a pregnancy test too which was negative, she went to her GP who did a blood test and found her to be pregnant! ....some hope?! I therefore then went to my GP who agreed to do a blood test, but.......NO!!! A week or so later was when I had a period, which was probably the symptoms I had been feeling.

From then I had more regular periods, well give or take about 10 days each side!! But at least I was having them! We continued to try but to no avail.

We had agreed we wouldn't track ovulation or make things to 'clinical' we wanted to keep the magic between us, our sex life has always been passionate and loving and we wanted it to stay like that, we didn't want sex to become just about making a baby. However me with my medical brain and needing to know everything started researching...I downloaded an app to track my cycle and how I was feeling etc, we agreed that I could know when I was ovulating but wouldn't tell D.

We used the app for several months but with my periods being irregular it was hard to track. I went to my GP in the late spring but they wouldn't refer us to a fertility clinic until we had been trying for 2 years which was in the October. He did however agree to do a scan due to me having heavy and painful periods. The scan was in the June (little did I know this would be the first of MANY!!!).  The scan showed signs of PCOS however this could not be diagnosed by a scan alone. I then went for a blood test, which confirmed I had PCOS I also was showing raised TFT (thyroid) levels which is something that had been picked up the previous year when I had pancreatitis.

Looking back PCOS did fit, I have had many symptoms, though not all, and typically do not fit all the boxes! I am not obese though I do find it very hard to lose weight and am on the larger size of average being a UK size 12-14, I eat healthily and exercise regularly the moment I stop, weight gain is probably faster than someone without PCOS. I also suffer with a bloated stomach, which is horribly embarrassing, and quite heart wrenching when insensitive fuckwits decide to state that I look pregnant!!!

So we had an explanation for infertility but still not quite at 2 years for a referral to the clinic, however the GP was great and sent D for semen analysis in preparation. The clinic required 2 samples for referral. So D went ahead and did his thing ;p .........The results were great he had a higher than average sperm count (or so we thought), he was jumping for joy, we both were, though now it was on me, it was all my fault......

October 2015 came around and we had our first (of many!!!) appointment at the fertility clinic, feeling nervous and anxious and not sure quite what to expect.

The nurse was great, however she had some shocking news for us.....whilst D had high sperm count, the GP failed to mention that the quality was poor, low motility, morphology etc. That hit us like a train, him especially. I also had another scan at the clinic to confirm PCOS, it also showed that my left ovary was enlarged. Along with more blood tests which showed my TFT to now be normal!

The next stage was for me to have a HSG exam to test to see the patency of my tubes, and so commence the agonising journey of constant wait and disappointment that is infertility! At our clinic the HSG had to be performed within 10 days of day 1 of my period, and bleeding had to have stopped for 24 hours, the clinic only performed the HSG on a Tues/Wed,  it took 5 months for me to fall on the right day and them not have a training day/leave etc, at the time this was agonising...the wait..constant disappointment...little did we know this was minimal compared to what was to come.

So March 2016 and the HSG appointment finally happened, D happened to be really ill at the time, I was very stoical about it and was going to go on my own, I have a lot of friends and an amazing sister but I hate to admit when I need someone, and hate to put on others.....however my boss who I also now consider one of my closest friends (a mother figure) is quite intuitive and very similar to myself, worked this out and insisted on coming with me, I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was actually very greatful! So I went in for the exam, having been seen in my hospital gown by my boss! Haha! (Though I didn't really care ;) ) PAINFUL!! Fuck me that was painful! And I think a few Fucks and inappropriate humour flew out of my mouth! I laid there with the screen behind me....I couldn't help myself and watched it, with my medical but no experience in radiography mind, the right side flowed beautifully...but the left... now the left looked different, nothing was happening, I asked them if there was an issue with the left but they wouldn't tell me until my appointment a few weeks later, however I knew....

So a few weeks later we went for our follow-up appointment, and low and behold I was correct, I also had a blocked left fallopian tube. So along with Ds issues this meant that I couldn't go down the usual treatment route for PCOS and have metformin/clomid, the only option was to go straight for ICSE.

So scared.....excited....hopeful....not really knowing what to think/feel......thats what we did!

'The batch' that we would be in would be August 2016.....that post will be coming soon!!

Fight Club!!!

Fight Club!!!!

Haha!!! OMG!!! Infertility so is fight club!!

I am so happy that I have found the world of infertility bloggers, bloody hell there are a lot of us! I just wish I had found it a year ago when I first started on this journey, and felt very alone!

So anyway tonight I have been reading a few blogs, and have noted a few people have likened the fertility clinic to fight club, and OMG they are so right!! The first rule; you do not talk about it, the second rule; you do not talk about it! So fucking true!!

It is such a funny place, it does make me chuckle inappropriately inside everytime I go in, and it appears the clinics across the country and across the pond are all the same!

And so not what I was expecting, I was expecting lesbians, fat people, old people, sugar daddys and slutty 20yr olds! But no far from it, lots are like me! Lots of youngish couples, late 20s/early 30s in loving relationships, who are probably like us, married nice people, fit and 'healthy' have a career and done things the sensible way around only to then be fucked over by the fertility fairy, who has decided to deny you the one thing you want most in the world, and make you go to fight club!!

You also do NOT under any circumstances talk to anyone in the waiting room, you do NOT sideways smile at them, you do NOT give a reassuring grin, you stare at the wall, the floor anything to not catch anyones eye! I made that mistake back when I was a newbie, I often make that mistake to be fair, it is second nature for me to smile at people, I am often known for my 'smile' my 'grin' but what people often don't realise is that it is often also my mask. Though not always, believe it or not I am a very positive person, I ALWAYS look on the 'brightside' and always try to find the positive in a situation, so rarely do I let things get the better of me and let my mask slip, though this infertility shit is really fucking me off and the mask has slipped on occasion. 

Are You Pregnant??

Wow!!

So today I visited my Mum....now for most people especially in my position, visiting your Mum would be a pleasant experience, perhaps even a comforting one. However for me it is rarely this!

My Mum suffers with bipolar and many other issues, she is very unkempt and so is her house.

I havent seen her in a few weeks, for this I feel guilty. I have a younger sister who now takes a lot more responsibility for our Mum, however for years it was mainly me. My sister has been amazing through my TTC journey, she has taken on a lot more. My Mum has never really been my mum, our roles have been very much reversed, I have a few fond memories of being a young child and her doing nice mother-daughter things with us, but these have been tarnished with sad memories of the devastating things we have had to witness with thanks to her illness.

Anyway currently my Mum is morbidly obese has difficulty holding a conversation, is unable to work, and has difficulty performing a lot of daily tasks, hence the need for me and my sister to care for her and assist her in many ways, however I have not been as responsible as my sister lately. I never look forward to seeing my Mum, I always come away feeling angry/annoyed/empty and then an overwhelming feeling of guilt for having these feelings towards my Mum. These issues also contribute to my overwhelming desire to be a Mother myself and ensure that NO WAY will my child ever have these feelings towards me, or have to deal with the things me and my sister have had to.

Anyway the majority of people in my position most probably turn to their mum, and have their Mum as their shoulder to cry on, I do not....I cannot....

She knows a little, she knows we are 'trying' but have a few issues so are having IVF (we are actually having ICSI, but there is no point trying to explain that). So anyway, my point...what I wanted to rant about today was the conversation I was met with......'Are you pregnant?' my Mum says to me, I of course am not, 'No Mum' is my reply, 'Oh...' she replies with a chuckle, 'why do I look it?' I ask (I am slightly overweight, and carry most of my weight around my stomach, something which I am extremely sensitive about, and is a symptom of PCOS) 'yes u do a bit' another chuckle, I do not know what to say, and then....then...this is the killer........'I bet you wish you were?!'

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?! OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!!!! ITS ALL I FUCKING WISH!!!!  Was the response in my head, and the response that would have come out of my mouth to most people.......however to my mum my response was 'Yes I do, anyway what did you have for lunch?' As I cannot be honest with my mum, I know there was absolutely no point in venting my frustration at what she just said, as she has absolutely no malice in her body, she would be devastated if she knew she upset me, and I cannot challenge her or let her know she has upset me, for fear of her being sent into another psychotic episode, so I dont....I carried on conversation whilst sipping on my waitrose coffee (I will not eat or drink at her house, and an upside to seeing her she lives very close to waitrose!) Fighting back the tears and putting on my signature 'smile' which I have mastered the art of using to cover up my real feelings.

I left 'smiling' but cried in the car on the way home and rang and vented to my sister. All the while, feeling upset and pissed off at what was said, then angry and disspaointed with myself at having such negative feelings towards my Mum, but anyway as I said earlier my child will NEVER feel like this about me!

I am half way through writing a blog about my fertility journey so far, but keep finding myself needing to rant!! It will happen, I will post that soon!!

Anyway until the next rant...........

That Friend..

Hello......

Well its been years since I wrote a blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think I'll do better this time!

TBH I'm not really hoping to get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!) apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!) this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent! Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!

I have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being 'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'

Well I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them! Something which I NEVER would have done at work!

Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!

I wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not! However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!

Anyway I most probably wont  even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'