I started off this blog detailing the past few weeks, the ups and downs and how we got to FET, but thats not what I want to discuss right now, that story will come next, I appreciate it has been a while since Ive blogged so if you've followed my journey there is a massive gap, but long and short of the story is we finally got there, we finally did it, my lining finally got thick enough for FET, and to our biggest surprise we had a BFP!!!
That morning of the BFP, that overwhelming feeling of happiness, disbelief and shock was just incredible, we both cried, I couldn't breath, we were just so so happy and so so shocked!! We just couldn't believe our luck, our very first transfer and it stuck?! WTF?! This never happens to us, its never that straight forward.......
However if I'm truly honest, something was very different right from that very moment of having 'MB' (we even named it) implanted. We were just so positive so hopeful, we talked to MB, we bonded with MB, right before we even knew MB was going to stick. We had the photo they give you stuck on the fridge (I still haven't removed it, I can't......) and DH would kiss it every morning (I think he still does). I pretty much knew right away it had worked, I felt so different, we both had such a positive attitude (lot of fucking good that did!) and dreamt and believed it worked. Straight after the transfer, we bought and ate mcdonald's fries, we went and bought a plant, we then went out for a nutritious lunch then had a relaxing afternoon in bed watching TV, it was a perfect day. The following day I started cramping, so much pain I needed to take painkillers, DH cooked a pulled pork chilli, the smell of the pork was unreal, I felt so nauseated by it, right then I knew, I knew MB had stuck. The days passed and whilst the wait to test was agonising, it also kind of wasn't as I just knew, my boobs were sore, I was nauseated, exhausted. I had such a lovely relaxing time, I took time off work and just did 'nice' things, I shopped, ate cake and spent time with friends. Then at 10dp5dt I did the test!
Those next 2 weeks were just magic. Im so glad we got the BFP, I think it would have been even more devastating to have had a BFN and to have to start again, at least we know my lining can get thick enough and at least we know I CAN get pregnant! And to have those 2 weeks of dreaming, of working out my due date, of planning our nursery, planning our shared mat leave, looking at baby stuff, wandering, wishing, and hoping what MB would be like, sharing the good news and excitement with our friends and family, they have just been the best 2 weeks of our lives! It really was magic, and Im so glad we got to have that. But to go from that, those feelings of being pregnant, the nausea, the cravings, the smells, the huge painful boobs, the bloat, those awful but also magical feelings to this feeling of intense pain and heart ache. Heart ache really is a true physical pain, I have a stabbing in my chest, and a burn in my belly. I so miss that feeling of being pregnant, its crazy how quickly those feelings go, and are replaced with the contractions of passing a miscarriage, the nausea of heartache, the exhaustion of the constant crying. The pain is just unreal. Its 2 o clock in the afternoon and I can't even face getting dressed or showered, let alone leaving the house! What I will say though is I am overwhelmed by the love and support from our friends and family, our house is filling up with flowers/cards/gifts, it hasn't just affected us its affected those around us too. People say you shouldn't tell people until your 12 weeks, we told people almost straight away and Im so glad we did, as much as I don't really want to see people right now, I don't want to face the world, the love that is surrounding us is unreal. One friend has brought us a beautiful rose, we will plant it in the garden and have a memorial to MB, MB may have only been 6wks+3 but MB will stay in our hearts forever. MB has changed us, changed us dramatically. We love MB more than we could have ever envisaged which is why we hurt so much, and whilst this pain is unbearable and MB was only hear for a short while, as my sister says 'MB is needed elsewhere' 'MB is too beautiful for this world.'
MB I felt you leave my body, I held you in my hand, I loved you before I even felt you, and me and Daddy will love you forever and always, and will forever carry the pain of losing you XXXXXXXXX
No comments:
Post a Comment