So another cycle ends.....another cycle abandoned!!!! FFS!!! Not sure how much more of this I can take!!
So last Friday, up we went to the clinic again, pretty much knowing that it most probably wouldn't be good news, but we still had a bit of hope left inside, I was still dreaming, still hoping. There we sat in that dreaded waiting room, which was full to the brim, as as per usual they were running behind, an hour and 15 minutes behind!! The poor sonographer (a nice one not the usual uncompassioanate fucktard that we see) got lumbered with using a new machine, she looked very stressed and about to break, we did feel for her. Though we were also feeling very nervous ourselves, so I lay there legs in the air, with a rep from Toshiba also in the room, she did ask if I minded, but I think I have got to that point now, that so many people have seen by foo, I really couldn't care less! So anyway the last scan my lining was at 5.6, this time it was at 5.8. We were then taken in by the nurse who told us we would have to await the plan until later this afternoon after she has discussed us with the consultant.
So off we trundled, D still limping post bike accident, both feeling disappointed, but still a little bit of hope, lots running through our heads........at least it hasn't gone down.....maybe they will still proceed??.....maybe they will give me even more drugs?......or most likely they will abandon ;(
I dropped D home, and went to see a very good friend, feeling a bit numb, and not really knowing how to feel. As I walked in the door I got the phonecall.........'Jennifer, Im so sorry I have bad news, he's decided to abandon' my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears, my voice started to tremble, 'so what now?' She told me to stop all meds straight away, and await a bleed, once I have a bleed to give them a call and they will book me in for my next scan, he wants to see what I will do naturally, so see how much I thicken without any drugs, but she said it might just be that my uterus lining just won't thicken as it should. She apologised profusely that it wasn't good news. I put the phone down, my friend hugged me as I burst into tears. I didn't expect to feel so low, as I expected this, but it still was heartbreaking!
Ever since its been bugging me, and people keep asking me, what does that mean? I might not thicken as I should?? Does that mean if it doesn't happen naturally, its game over?? Or is there other options?? What are they?? More drugs?? Surrogacy?? I wish I had asked then!! But my head always just goes into a fog, especially when its bad news or unexpected.
This past week my emotions have been all over the place. I saw some friends Saturday morning, but I really wasn't myself, I just wanted to cry, I was unusually quiet, I just couldn't pull myself together. I also felt physically awful, I felt exhausted, had horrendous shakes and nausea, and just didn't want to eat. Probably because I was upset, but also maybe drug withdrawal? I just wanted to hide myself away that day, but my boss seems to be a lot more like her old self, she's been much more supportive and much more of a friend again which is lovely, so we decided to gate crash a work event that evening, and drank 3 bottles of prosecco between us!! Oops!! I wasn't really up to going, and was a little afraid the alcohol would make me emotional, but it actually did the opposite! We had a really fun night, and it was lovely to switch off and let my hair down, though I paid for it the next day, with a hangover from hell, including lots of vomiting! Yuck!! But it kept my mind off everything!
I then had two very busy but productive days at work, it felt great to be motivated at work again, doing what I love and what Im good at, and being so busy I again didn't have time to think about everything, so thought I was doing OK. Then on Wed, D had the day off work, but all morning all we did is argue, I was angry with the world, and yes I was nit picking at everything! You see, Im a bit of a neat freak, and I guess also a control freak! And D, well, he really isn't!! So the combination of that and us both being angry with the world, didn't really bode well! Though we made up in the afternoon and have been OK since.
Today is the first day Ive been alone, and I hate it!! I don't do well on my own, I am somewhat of a social butterfly, I like to be busy, I like to be out, I like to do things, see things, be with others, and really not good at being on my own! It gives me time to think, to reflect, which I know should be a good thing, but I also fear those negative emotions and feelings, I don't like to admit to them, my friend last week said its OK to feel crap and sad, as it is!!! Its fucking shit!! But I really don't like to let it consume me.
So now I guess we just await AF, and go from there......... meanwhile not knowing how I will be emotionally from one day to the next.........happy but hiding it........angry.........or sad :(
Friday 17 November 2017
Thursday 9 November 2017
An Incredibly Tough Week
So this past week has not gone entirely as one would hope......and considering currently I should be trying to relax, and under as little stress as possible....well......that hasn't really gone to plan!
So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!
So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.
I chose option 2.
I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!
The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!
So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.
The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;
'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'
At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;
But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!
Well lets await the next scan and see..............
So last Friday was my first scan this current FET cycle since starting the oestrogen pills and patches. I had done everything correctly, eaten everything that could possibly help, tried to continue as normal life as possible, and tried not to stress about things to much. However......guess what.........my fucking lining is still to thin!!!! FFS!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!! It was at 4.7mm, the hope was I would be almost ready, and ready for transfer the following week! But nope!! That morning me and D were discussing the possible outcome, and both were a bit pessimistic about it, pretty much expecting the outcome we had. However I still was hoping, Im sure we both were, that just this once, perhaps things could be a little straight forward, but who are we fucking kidding, eh?! The palpitations and the anxiety were back this day too, a little concerned we mentioned it to the nurse, which fortunately was nurse K (the nice one), however her surprising response was to ask the pharmacist, as it wasnt a symptom she was aware of, you fucking what?!?! Ask the pharmacist?!?! I of course did, however we were pretty taken aback by this, I mean seriously?! Is that not her job????? If she doenst know, then she should fucking find out! Not get the patient tooo!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Any how, off we went to pharmacy, and spoke to the lovely pharmacist, he felt that the symptoms were most probably due to the patches, and suggested the clinic check oestrogen levels and perhaps reduce the dose. This wasnt good news, I knew I needed the patches to be able to increase the lining. But thought I better go back and tell nurse K. She stated she would need to speak to the consultant, and would call me later in the day. So off I went back to work, painfully awaiting that phonecall. I was feeling pretty rough, spaced out, palpitations, and just generally off. My boss was a little concerned, and was very kind and supportive that day, which was much appreciated!
So the phonecall came, and the consultant too, hadn't come across these symptoms before, he stated it could either be due to the medications, or could be the stress of the situation. Nurse K stated he had given two options;
1) Abandon this cycle, if symptoms subside then we could assume it is due to the medications.
2) Persevere and re scan on Tuesday, though if symptoms worsen to stop and go and have investigations.
I chose option 2.
I continued to feel pretty crap that day, my mind was all over the place and I really couldn't think straight. One of our big bosses happened to be around who knows my situation, and for someone of his position, and importance, he is always surprisingly very kind and concerned about my fertility journey, always very interested and shows a lot of compassion and support towards the situation. My boss informed him of how I was feeling that day, he suggested taking my blood pressure which was 134/90, which is pretty high, especially for me! I have never suffered from high BP, in fact I am generally the opposite and usually have a low reading. I monitored it over the weekend, and by Monday it was more normal for me and was 108/80. When leaving work that Friday, I was still feeling pretty rotten and spaced out, and when backing away in the car park, in our relatively new car, I hit my sisters car!!!!! I burst into tears, came running in to tell her, apologising profusely. And bless her, she really couldn't give two shits about the car, but was hugely concerned at the state I was in! Fortunately both cars had only minor scratches!
The next day I was in work again, still feeling pretty rough, I had an awful nights sleep, kept being jolted awake by palpitations and feelings of anxiety. Late in the morning I had a panicked phonecall from my Gran, stating my mum had had a fall, she had no idea where she was, or how she was, but had a call from a member of the public who stated she had called an ambulance. I phoned our local emergency department who informed me she was en route, I met her there. Fortunately she appeared OK, she was alert and talking, but rather sore and shaken. The ambulance crew were concerned she had a TIA (mini stroke) and were also concerned for her well being, as she was very vague and looked unkempt. I gave them some history, informing them of her mental health problems etc. She was examined and fortunately had no injuries and they don't think she had a TIA, and advised her to to go to her GP on Monday. Me and my sister took her to the GP, who was great, I'm pretty sure our fertility clinic, could learn a lot from her, in regards to compassion and listening to the patient!! So the GP is referring her to neurology, falls clinic and also social services to hopefully get more support at home or to perhaps move her to a more supportive setting. It feels pretty crap that we're having to think down those lines given Mum is only 58! But hey just add it all to the pile of crap that I'm already dealing with!
So the next day, was the Tuesday, time for the scan. The silver lining of Fridays appointment was that the horrible sonographer was going on holiday for 2 weeks! Whoop whoop!! That means we don't have to deal with her for the rest of this cycle!! So this appointment we had a much nicer lady, who showed so much more privacy and dignity! It was a real treat! However the scan was still not great, it was now 5.6mm, so heading in the right direction but still not as good as required. So again off we went, feeling numb, and a little fraught, patiently awaiting another phonecall following discussion with the consultant. I was pretty much expecting him to say he would abandon, but to our surprise the nurse called to state that if I'm feeling OK to do so, then I could carry on until Friday, which I of course have agreed to do. The palpitations and anxiety were still around but had significantly reduced.
The following day I had an acupuncture session. The lady I see is so kind and caring, and bless her she really is taking this whole situation to heart!! She kept apologising that things aren't going to plan, and was very frustrated at the whole thing! It was a great session, alongside the acupuncture she did a facial/head and neck massage, and wow afterwards I felt great! I felt so relaxed and much more positive. Well that was until later that evening, when D arrived late home from work......
I was in the lounge, when I heard him come in shouting;
'don't panic I'm OK, but Ive been knocked off my motorbike!'
At this point I couldn't see him, my heart fell into my stomach, I immediately jumped up and ran to him, to find him looking pale, tearful, shaken and hobbling!! It was a pretty terrifying evening, discussing what happened, and my mind flicking through would could have happened! After a trip to our local MIU any breaks were ruled out, and he just has soft tissue damage to his foot and thigh. The beautiful bike however is pretty battered and will most probably be written off :( Which is pretty heartbreaking for D, its his pride and joy, and his escape, even for me too, on Sunday we had a lovely blast around together to clear our heads;
But anyway fortunately he is physically OK, so we must be very thankful for that, but it really did top off a pretty stressful past week!!! So surely things can only get better??!?!? Please tell me they cannot get any worse!!!!!
Well lets await the next scan and see..............
Thursday 2 November 2017
NFAW and a Podcast!
So this week it is 'National Fertility Awareness Week' or 'NFAW' here in the UK.
It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.
This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.
In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!
A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!
Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!
There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.
Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;
http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/
and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.
So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!
So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its' another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!
It is also the year that IVF turns 40! Isn't that incredible?! 40 years since the birth of the first IVF conceived child! IVF really is a miracle, and whilst it only works 30% of the time, that's still a huge percentage of people who 40 years ago, it would have been game over. Whilst IVF treatment is no ball in the park, it puts your body through hell, and puts you through emotional turmoil..... the positive lovely side of me can't help thinking.....how lucky are we really that we have this chance!? Whilst us poor souls who are on the fucked up infertility rollercoaster, are incredibly unlucky to be on this shitty journey, it must be said that we are lucky to be able to be given the chance of attempting IVF. It certainly aint pretty or fun, but imagine what it was like 40+ years ago, to not even be given the chance to try, to be given no hope, and a mere 30% chance.....nothing. So as much as I hate infertility, I hate this journey, and I feel incredibly unlucky, I am glad IVF exists and I am glad we have the chance to at least try.
This week is not just about IVF, it is about raising awareness of infertility, it surprised me to realise that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive! But even with numbers that high, people are still unaware. I was pretty naive to it all, until I went through it myself, as Im sure many people are. Which is why it is so often difficult to talk about, as people are so unaware, and have little or no understanding of what we have to endure.
In particular it is often difficult for men to talk about infertility, even now in our 'modern' times, 'equal opporuintites' and all that, in the world of infertility it is very much focused on the woman. I think I've mentioned before every time we go for an appointment, even when I've not been having treatment and it is a consultation, they always call my name, never Ds. I've always found this very odd, and uncaring towards D. Even worse, he has NEVER, NEVER been asked how he is!!! How this is all making him feel etc. Even when he's had to do his 'thing' there has been little support offered to him. Well theres been little support offered to the both of us, really, but even less to him! Now if this is how the specialists treat men, its no wander society does the same. There is little awareness about male infertility, it seems it is often automatic for infertility to be assumed, as a female as apose to a male problem. However this week with it being NFAW there seems to be quite a lot of emphasis on male infertility, this is fantastic!! Lets hope it encourages more men to talk and seek support, but also more than that, the clinics, the damn clinics need to be supporting our men!!! FFS!!!! Come on!!
A few weeks ago D took part in a study by Shafali Arya (twitter: @infertility247). She is talking to men to collate evidence, looking at how men are treated, or 'not' treated. I believe she may need more men to take part, so please do get in contact with her. In order to make positive changes research needs to be undertaken.
I was quite in awe when D undertook this study, I was present when he was being interviewed, and it really made me stop and think, how much he's hurting too. I also haven't given him enough credit for how much he knows and has understood. Whilst we do talk, and are there for each other, we don't 'really' talk, we don't get down to that deep stuff. We're both terrible at that, I really hate talking, hence why I blog, and he covers up feelings with humour. But hearing him talk to Shafali made me appreciate him even more!
Now, with NFAW in full flow, I almost feel a little hypocritical that I don't necessarily share much about my own infertility journey with those around me, again hence why I blog, now why is that?! Is it fear for what people might say? What they might not say? What they might say behind my back? Will they judge? Or is it that Im just a very private person?? And I hate talking! Most probably a little of all of the above! However I do hope that by blogging, it is not only a vent and an outlet for me, in my safe place, I hope that it might also be a little informative to those reading, and at least raise a little awareness, that you're certainly not alone!
There are a lot of inspiring people out there, particularly in the land of twitter, there are many people I follow that I am in awe over! Several volunteer with Fertility Network UK etc. And many blog. Particularly this week there are several, taking part in interviews, blogging, tweeting etc. All in the hope of raising some awareness and making some positive changes. I want to do more myself, at some point, sometime.......hopefully soon! Its been on my mind for a while to start some sore of support group? There is nothing where I live, not that I am obviously aware of anyway. I seriously need to do something about it, I need to make this more of a thought, and I will, perhaps when Im in a better place with my own journey.
Talking of inspiring people, those that are informative, and raising awareness. The podcast I did with the fabulous Natalie Silverman got realised this week. You can listen here;
http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com/hopingttc/
and do have a good look around her site and have a listen to some of her other podcasts. I really have learnt so much from listening to her. Of all the blogs and research I have undertaken, I can safely say I have found Natalie's podcast to be one of the most informative and reliable sources. She has been through her own infertility journey, and now experiencing secondary infertility. So she gets it, she gets how shitty this infertility world can be. And she is doing positive things to help make this shitty journey that little bit easier, that little bit more informed.
So currently I am part through my FET cycle #2, today I feel OK, I have a scan tomorrow which I am nervously awaiting, so today I have kept myself very busy! This cycle I have been much more emotionally stable, and not quite so symptomatic, though that worries me slightly, as does that mean the drugs are working OK???? Though I had a horrendous nights sleep on Tues evening, as I had awful palpitations, and felt horrendously anxious. Anxiety is not something I suffer from, so it was a very strange feeling indeed, and made me feel pretty awful right up until Wednesday evening. I even contemplated calling the clinic, but I had that fear that might tell me to stop! Which is pretty silly that I would risk it, but hey, us who are going through this awful shit, know that you really will put your body through whatever it takes!
So how am I feeling about tomorrows scan?? I seriously couldn't tell you! I haven't purposely made myself busy today, but it is often a coping mechanism of mine, and it really does help. I seriously can't relax! I don't feel as positive this time round. Not sure why? But I also don't feel to depressed about it right now. Maybe its' another coping mechanism?? Maybe Im subtly preparing myself for bad news. Hey, why not right?? The odds are against me, Ive yet to have some good news! Its never been plain sailing! I feel almost a bit numb to it all right now. Like Im just swept up in it all, and just plodding along. Its all very strange, but hey thats the fucked up world of infertility!! Right?!?!
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