So the last time I blogged I was just about to undergo egg collection! We actually made it! Third time lucky and we made it to egg collection, whoop whoop!!
However......
It of course wasn't that straight forward! And what a weird experience that is! The first time I met our consultant was with my legs in stirrups and my fanjita on full show, in fact I think he saw my fanjita before my face!Though I did quite enjoy the effects of the midazalam and fentanyl, felt like quite a good night out ;p
So the first complication was that I was difficult to rouse due to my blood pressure being very low, I was so swollen that they had to drain me, so they had to give me some extra fluids, they also had to insert the needle more times than expected so put me on a precautionary course of antibiotics.
My poor husband.....when they wheeled my around I was still out of it, he asked if I was ok to be told by one of the nurses (not sure if Ive mentioned her before, but she's often been a bit of a twat!!!) that there had been some 'complications' he obviously panicked and it was a good while before anyone came and told us what those complications actually were! So the big thing they had to tell us was that I was in OHSS and the severity would be confirmed by a blood test, depending on the results would depend on whether they could do transfer this week or FET.
However the good news was that they took 23 follicles!!! 23!!!!! Hence why I was so damn swollen and sore! Also Ds sperm had improved massively, so much that the embryologist spoke to us about doing IVF as well as ICSI, which we of course accepted.
Being told that we may have to go for FET was a little dissapointing but at least I would then be well for my sisters hen weekend at the end of the month and her wedding in June, and the hard part was done now right? And no more injections, scans, etc now right? WRONG oh very WRONG!!!
So we left the hospital, me walking down the corridor like I had shit myself as I was so uncomfortable, being told to drink at least 4 protein shakes, antibiotics and a new drug Cabergoline for OHSS in our hands. Cabergoline by the way can cause the most hilarious side effects - an urge to gamble, shop, uncontrollable sexual interest, binge eating etc!! I didn't get any, in fact I was the total opposite I totally lost my appetite, only managing 1-2 protein shakes a day, i felt so incredibly sick, and as for sex.....haha nope!!! The next few days were horrific physically, I crawled up the stairs the first night and cried myself to sleep with the pain. The nausea was awful too, just the thought of food was enough to make me retch! And the tiredness, that was pretty extreme for almost 2 weeks, I just didn't know what to do with myself. The swelling was horrendous too, it took about 3 weeks for that to settle, at its worst I looked about 7 months pregnant!! Theres another kick in the face! Oh the irony!
So anyway the afternoon following EC we had a call to say I was confirmed OHSS and it was severe enough to not be able to transfer and we would need FET. The embryologist called the next day to tell us that 16 eggs had fertilised and 6 were IVF, which was amazing news, the next day she called again to say 15 had survived and would be frozen, I asked what that process entails, she got the nurse to call me back.
So all the way through this cycle we were aware that OHSS could happen and that we might need FET, so like I said earlier we were dissapointed but aware it could happen. When we left the clinic they just said we need to notify them when I have my next 'natural' bleed to start the process. Naively we assumed there would be no need for as many drugs they would just perhaps scan mid cycle and then put the embryo in......again WRONG!! So on the phone another train hit, that actually it would be another lengthy process of starting the pill, bloods, scans, buserelin injections, oestrogen pills, and progesterone suppositories!!!!!! WTF?!?!? Why is it never simple!! I so don't wanna have to go through buserelin again, the injecting thats fine, its the side effects, the emotional turmoil, its soul destroying! But hey, I will do anything, ANYTHING to get my BFP and my little bundle of joy at the end, but it always just seems so far away! Though we are closer to this time, it just doesn't always feel like it, as the title of this post suggests, we are back in limbo again, back in fucking limbo!!
So my emotions have been much more stable this time, I think I am just so emotionally exhausted by it all that I don't have many tears left, it gets mistaken by a lot of people who think I am coping much better this time, but it never gets better, things won't be better until we get that BFP! People don't understand that though, they think you get 'used to it' and I guess to a point you do, but it certainly doesn't make it easier, you just learn to cope and get on, but it doesn't mean its easy or Im OK! My support network seems to have deminshed a little too, not everyone, I still have D who's amazing, and some really close friends, but a few seem to have got bored with it all, they no longer ask, they no longer check, they no longer seem to care. That hurts it hurts a lot, paticuarly with one friend, one very good friend, well I considered a good friend, even a mother figure, back in November she was incredible she was my rock! And I will always appreciate that, however this time, she's been very off and distant with me, kept me at arms length and not really been there, it even feels like she's pushed me away. A few weeks ago I had a little chat with her and she told me this was a choice to undergo treatment and to 'suck it up.' I guess to some extent its a choice but thats easy to say when you already have children! I was pretty devastated at that comment, when I asked her about it she apologised, but I think just doesn't know what to say, she also told me I was aggressive! This really shocked me, I never ever intend to be and don't think I have been, I know the drugs have made me odd but I think this time Ive been able to control that!
But anyway we had a letter through for an appointment at the clinic on the 3rd of July so until then more limbo!
