Beginning FET cycle #2 and arse patterns

OK so its been almost 2 weeks since my last post!

And in that time several things have happened! I intended to blog last Tuesday after my first clinic appointment of this cycle, but it turned into a busy day and then I worked long shifts for the rest of the week.

So whats been happening you might ask?! Well....

AF arrived! She came on the Friday, but it was after 12 midday so I had to start the buserelin the following Sunday. I immediately felt crap!! I mean literally within an hour I had a pounding head, and felt nauseous. And throughout this past week Ive been feeling very emotional again, very fatigued, nauseous and the past few days really light headed/dizzy, as if I'm in some sort of fog, and almost not real, its a very hard feeling and very difficult to explain, and not particularly pleasant! Its been a difficult week, but also reassuring that Im pretty sure its the drugs making me so emotional, and depressed, as last week when I was not on any drugs I felt fine! I had so much more energy, felt much more positive, and just generally more 'me!'

So anyhow, Tuesday I had my first scan of this cycle, D wasn't there this time. I told him not to come.....I wish I hadn't! Though there was no major reason for him to be there, other than to hold my hand! We knew this would be a very routine scan it was just to check that my ovaries are clear and everything was good to start the estradiol, which with AF almost leaving again, and the effects I was feeling from the buserelin, I was pretty certain all would be OK.......and it was!!! D wanted to come as he always does, but he is just about to start his new promotion, and whilst his workplace are very good about him attending appointments, we didn't want to take the piss, when it was unnecessary. And as it turned out, all was well, so there really was no 'real need' for D to be there, but my God was it awful sitting in that waiting room all alone, surrounded by couples! Even though I was pretty certain I wouldn't be getting any bad news and this was routine, I missed him so much! I missed him holding my hand, reassuringly looking at me, making me laugh, and just generally being my rock! Maybe I shouldn't be so spoilt! Im sure plenty of women attend appointments alone, but I'm not one of them and I don't want to be! I really am so lucky to have D, thats one great positive with this whole fucked up situation it has definitely brought us closer, it really does either make or break you!

The sonographer woman, was her usual 'happy' self *sarcasm* but as there was not much to look for, it was thankfully pretty quick, I then had to await the plan from the nurse, which I already had an idea  on from our last appointment. It was however still a long wait, and there was another couple there who I met once before, back before our first cycle when we had to go for our injection technique teaching session. It was kind of odd as it was only the day before when shopping in Sainsbury's Im sure I saw the husband of one of the other couples, which then gave the passing thought of wandering how those other 3 couples are getting on, whether they got their BFPs??? Well anyway this other poor  couple hadn't yet, they were talking to someone and I was ear wigging a little, to hear this was their second FET, having 1 failed fresh and 1 failed FET, so meaning unfortunately living where we are, they are now paying! So its not just me/us still waiting, still on this shitty journey, eh?! So anyway on to the nurse bit.....fortunately it was nurse K, now she is lovely, so much nicer than the other nurse, and actually shows some compassion and takes the time to answer questions. She told me I now had to go home take 4 estradiol pills each day, and also later an estradiol patch. Now the patches are 'fun' again *sarcasm! Not sure if anyone else finds this? But they are bloody uncomfortable! They really irritate my skin, and due to them needing to be on my arse, and the logistics of placing them there, D has to do them for me, he is having great pleasure in designing a pattern on my arse with them! Haha!

So as I said earlier nurse K is great at answering questions, and actually explained the process to me, so on the Tues I commence, patches and pills, I then have a scan Fri of this coming week, so 10 days later. If my womb lining is looking good, I will then stop the buserelin on the Sunday and start progesterone pessaries/suppositories, and the embryologists will thaw the embryos on the Monday, with the aim of culturing them on until the Friday, when they will hopefully, fingers crossed, implant one.

So I have seen my lovely acupuncturist once and plan on seeing her again on Tuesday, am also eating and drinking all the wonderful things I did last cycle. I am also back at work, and trying not to go sick to early this time, last cycle I had a month off, but I really did need it, I was in such a dark place then. I could almost let myself be again this cycle, I can feel it within me, I can feel that burn in my stomach, that dark cloud in my head, but I am fighting it, Im fighting it hard, and trying my upmost to not let it consume me. However it certainly hasn't been easy! It hasn't been easy at work either, lots of silly politics, which are really not helpful right now! I try my best to stay out of it, but I really do love my job, and I find it hard not to get frustrated and stressed by things in the office, but Im TRYING!!! Ive also had to deal with a few insensitive people too, people who I thought cared, but hey, forget them! I have sooooooo many good people in my life who really do care, I seriously don't need the ones who don't! Their loss eh?!

So thats pretty much it, thats where I am, I would like to say Im feeling positive, Im trying to be, I really am, but having been on this journey for so long, knowing what it entails, and the constant heartbreak we have endured, the hope I had is seriously diminishing, and that really isn't me, I am usually so optimistic, and on face I am, I am still wearing that signature smile, making people think that 'I'm OK' but really deep down, there is minimal hope left :( But hey, I guess we gotta just watch this space!





In other news, I am quite liking the idea of reviewing some things?! Anyone have any thoughts? The first item I want to review is a diary called Daily Greatness Journal it is quite expensive at £39.99 but it is huge! And for someone who is a stationary nerd and likes to be organised it really appeals. It has a weekly planner and is designed to be positive and instil good habits. It is not dated so can be started at any time, however Im going to wait until January, there is just something about starting a diary on the 1st of January :) So once I do and I have used it for a while I will of course do a more comprehensive review. In the meantime if anyone wishes to purchase, you can use this code to get 5% off RAF5UK

A bit of normality.....

So its now a week since we had our FET cycle cancelled.

I have taken the 5 day course of norethisterone, but still yet to see AF, though the clinic did say it could take up to a week, not sure if that was from starting or finishing the course??

So other than my usual vitamins and the inofolic I take, I am drug free for the first time in what seems like a long while, whoop whoop!!!!

So anyway, how I am feeling?? Whats going through my head?? etc etc you might be asking???? Well actually thats my reason for writing this post.......the majority of my posts tend to be me venting and moaning, but that really isn't me at all, well not the normal me, not the hormonal, drugged up, fucked from infertility me, but thats OK, the main reason for me starting these blogs, which I think I mentioned before, was to be able to vent, to get things off my chest, and to say things I cannot say. However I feel it is time to right a more positive post, a more 'me' post, whilst I am in a good mood, and feeling good.

Why am I feeling good?? Why am I feeling positive??? Oh hell I really don't know!! I mean our situation is still pretty shit! We still don't have a baby, Im still not pregnant, Ive pumped myself full of drugs and put myself through hell, been in a really dark place the last few weeks, for nothing, NOTHING!!! But hey for some unknown probably fucked up reason, the last few days I have actually felt OK! But I guess thats the hormonal mood swings that the shitty treatment gives you! Though Im gonna embrace it, enjoy it while I can, and not let things knock me down!!

Maybe its because we have a plan this time??? We know right away that things are going to happen soon, they are going to continue, and we know what that plan is, and also probably the lack of drugs being pumped into me!!! But it really is nice to have an actual plan and to be happening soon, and not to have to have that dreaded wait, that all of us experiencing infertility are all to familiar with!!

I had decided at the end of last week to go back to work this current week, to get a bit of normality back. However on Saturday I had a dreadful day, I felt so nauseous and fatigued, and awfully emotional. We were suppose to be helping friends move, but I really couldn't, this frustrated and angered me, I felt like a terrible friend, I really hate letting people down. It is very rare I do this, and most of my really good friends know this, and know I would only do it for a very good reason, and don't take pulling out of things lightly. In fact I often push myself too much, and always put others first, sometimes before D, and I hate that I do that, it will certainly stop with D. Saturday evening my brother and sister-in-law came over, and I found it oh so difficult to put on a front, to try and smile and pretend I was OK, it didn't help that they didn't know we had stopped treatment so I had to explain whilst feeling so awful.

So that was Saturday, and I don't know what happened on Sunday, but it was like I had a new lease of life, I felt happier, and had a lovely day with D and family. This feeling has continued since. Even whilst at work. I was really nervous going back to work, it hadn't been a particularly nice place to be prior to me going off sick. But I was working with some lovely people who cared which really helped, however there was still some drama, but you know what with all the crap I have going on, it really hasn't bothered me as much as it used to. And the actual job itself, I love, and it was really nice to get some normality back.

So lets just hope this feeling of positivity, and feeling like the 'normal' me, may continue for a while!!!

FET cycle #1 = FAIL

So today I have felt all manner of emotion; excitement, nervousness, anticipation, anger, sadness, negativity, positivity and now I almost feel numb......and why?? you might ask........well I'll tell you.........

So if you read my last blog post you will know that my womb lining/uterus lining/endometirum whatever you like to call it was not thickening as it should, it had actually reduced to 5.7mm, and whilst the consultant recommended stopping, they agreed to let me continue to today, doing everything I could to help it thicken.

So on I continued over the past few days, drinking beetroot kvass, pomegranate juice, raspberry leaf tea, kefir, eating brazil nuts, figs, and warm foods, not forgetting any oestrogen pills, patches or buserelin, and religiously checking off my chart. Also trying to relax as much as possible, and not get stressed about things. I was still feeling pretty tired so relaxing was actually quite easy. My emotions had gotten the better of me again though, Saturday was a good day, but Sunday was my birthday and whilst it was a beautiful day, and the sun shone.......

And we got to see the sea! I spent most of the day fighting back the tears, and not giving a shit that it was my birthday! Which is unusual for me, I usually love my birthday, though I did hate being 30 last year, just ask D, I usually make it last at least a week, and milk it for all its worth, haha!! Though this year I truly could not give a flying fuck! In fact I think it depressed me even more, I think it was just another reminder that I am not quite where I want to be, not where I envisaged myself, I thought at this age I would have several children, but I have none!! Ten years ago it was my 21st and my and D were jetting off to New York, if you'd have asked us then where we would see ourselves in ten years it certainly would not have been childless!!!

On Monday I seriously paid for being out for most of the day on Sunday, I was exhausted and the nausea and headaches had returned. This continued into Tuesday, but I was seriously looking forward to acupuncture....

Again she was very apologetic that my lining hadn't thickened, but was hopeful that she could help. She did 2x moxas this time, and something new......some very strange but bloody lovely facial/head massage, tapping type thing, which included pouring some sort of liquid onto my head, am not quite sure what she did, but it felt bloody lovely, and left me feeling so relaxed, positive and chilled. She told me to go home and relax the rest of the day, which I did apart from cooking up one of Emma Cannons leek and fennel soups from her book 'Fertile' which was bloody amazing! Very filling, nourishing and warming. I then spent the rest of the afternoon feet up on the sofa, followed by a very bubbly, lush bubble bath in the evening, complete with candles and followed by warm numeric milk (again from Emmas book) and a camomile tea before bed. So I went to bed feeling calm, relaxed and hopeful for the morning, trying to be positive. I didn't sleep hugely well, trying not to worry and stay positive, but there was always the constant niggle, the what if, and for some unknown reason, even though I haven't been there in ages, I kept thinking about work!!

Anyway I awoke in the morn, trying to remain calm and think positive. I text my friend K, who was also undergoing an appointment at the clinic today, and sadly she had a bad experience with the same idiot sonographer and nurse who I had bad experiences with. This seriously angered me, how dare they, how fucking dare they!!!!!

So I then make my way to the clinic, trying to calm myself, listening to some chill out ibiza tunes in the car on the way. After having issues parking I bump into K and her husband, which was bitter sweet, it was wonderful having a sneaky hug with one of my bffs prior to a big appointment, but heartbreaking to see the terrified look on their faces, knowing they have had to endure one of the pain staking appointments like I had earlier in my journey, and fearing what they had to come.

So leaving them, I then met D for our own appointment, sitting there waiting in the clinic room, holding hands, clammy hands, hearts beating fast, waiting impatiently in the of course running late clinic........in we go, with the horrible sonographer, blind open again which D kindly and abruptly pulled down, no dignity to be had of course whilst she waited for me to undress, then shoving the wand up my foo, and almost straight away.........'you've got thinner........4.7mm.' My eyes filled, my heart sank, and after my usual sort myself out in the toilet, we sat waiting, waiting for the outcome, so many thoughts going through my head, tears rolling down my cheeks, D holding me, trying to comfort me, waiting, thinking......'can I keep doing this??' 'here we go again' 'another abandoned cycle' 'what next?' 'more waiting?!?!' 

After waiting for some time, which is not usually a good sign, we were called in by nurse J. Great, we thought, both looking at each other, knowing what we are thinking, for fuck sake, we know this is gonna be bad news, and now we have to deal with this twat! But OMG, would you believe, for the first time ever, she actually showed us some concern and compassion!!! She reassured me I hadn't done anything wrong, its not my fault, I asked her why this had happened, and she felt it was because my liver was metabolising the drugs too quickly, and there was nothing I could do to correct this. I informed her of all I had been doing, including acupuncture, to which she told me it was all a load of crap, 'witchcraft' she even called it!!!! I obviously have chosen to ignore this and will most certainly continue! It really bothers me how medicalised and paternalistic this clinic is, are all clinics like this??? 

Anyway she continued to TELL us what the plan was, the reason we waited so long is because the consultant had reviewed my notes, which was great at least we didn't have to await a call. So the plan is; stop all current drugs immediately, then start a course of norethisterone tomorrow, to induce a bleed, once I start bleeding to call the clinic to get booked in for a scan, and restart buserelin the day after bleeding, if OK at the scan I will then recommence patches and oestrogen pills straight away! Wow!! I was actually pretty pleased with this, at least this time we don't have to wait ages for a plan.

So we left, we wiped our tears, and I actually was feeling somewhat positive, I went to my sisters we had a coffee and watched a film, but as the afternoon has gone on, of course my emotions are taking ahold again and am as I said earlier feeling a bit numb :/

I am also considering returning to work, I informed my boss of todays outcome and she's asked me my plan, she is going to check with HR to see if Im able to return before the end of my sick note which has another 10 days. I keep changing my mind on this throughout the day, in one breath I think it will be good to attempt to be 'normal' to have something else to be thinking about, but on the other hand Im a little worried that Im not quite there yet, I am still feeling nauseous, tired and headaches, and also my up and down emotions scare me, but hey, who knows getting back to work, might be good, it might be good to pull myself together and get on with it, this is what I do, this is what Im usually good at, Im usually good at putting that fake smile on and 'getting on with it' seeming OK but breaking inside. Hey we'll see! TBH its not really seemed to have had much benefit me being off work, its been kinda nice not having to worry about work, but also Im not used to dwelling on things, and I kinda hate that too!!!!

Does being positive actually get you anywhere????

So since writing my last blog post after realising Im depressed. I then began to question that theory, as the last few days Ive actually felt a little more upbeat!! Especially after my first acupuncture session in weeks, yesterday. Oh and wasn't it lovely to have acupuncture again, the lady I see has been on holiday, terrible timing eh?! And bless her, she was pretty upset to realise I hadn't been able to have the FET due to my lining not being thick enough, to which she hugged me and apologised! Its not her fault! She's such a lovely, caring and compassionate lady. Im sure I've said this before, but I have far more trust in her than I do the fertility clinic! So anyway, in addition to the regular acupuncture she performs, she also used a moxa, which is a herb that almost looks like a small cork, she places this on the end of the needle going into my abdomen, and lights it so it smokes, this then heats up the needle introducing warmth into the uterus, with the aim obviously to aid the thickening of my uterus lining.

Following this session I felt much better, and more hopeful. Even this morning whilst we were sitting there in the dreaded waiting room, which today was full, and contained a wide variety of individuals, proving infertility likes to fuck with all sorts of people, all avoiding eye contact with each other, why do we do that?! Anyway I was feeling positive, a little nervous, which caused me and D to share some inappropriate humour with each other, and have nervous giggles, not sure what the rest of the waiting room must have thought of us! But hey I was feeling positive, I had been eating and drinking all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff, I have been feeling more chilled, I had acupuncture yesterday, and I was even feeling hopeful that potentially, if all is well today then perhaps FET could happen on Sunday?? My Birthday!!! Whilst it wouldn't be my birthday of choice, in the fertility clinic, legs in stirrups, conceiving my first child, not in the fun manner I had always expected, but by some stranger shoving un-fun objects up my foo!! It could however be an omen, a good omen I thought, and I joked with D how funny it would be to have the 'birds and the bees' chat with our future child, and inform them they were conceived on my birthday and then confuse them even further by telling them how they were conceived! So time starts ticking away, and positive we were, sitting there waiting, and low and behold, its the rude sonographer.....bugger.....but oh well, if she tells us good news I don't care who it is!! So we walk in, D makes a comment about her being late, she ignores him, I pull the blind down, as yet again it is slightly open, and also ask her to lower the bed so I can actually get on without breaking my neck!! So she shoves the delightful wand up you know where, after stating that I am 'a bit of a marathon!' WTF?!?! Where did this woman learn her bedside manner from?!?! But anyway she measures my lining, and BOOM!!! All those hopes and positive feelings, are banished, shattered, stripped right away, my lining has reduced........seriously?! WTF?!?! How is that even possible?!????? It was 6mm on Mon and now it is 5.7mm!!!! So I get off the bed, do that dreaded walk to the toilet so I can sort myself out, as this is the woman who never gives you anything to wipe yourself, and whilst I am doing this, I am fighting back the tears, my world falling apart yet again.

So we sit back in the waiting room, this time not so giggly, this time fighting back tears. Shortly after we are called in by nurse K, phew!!! She is actually one of the very few nice nurses, she took the time to talk to us and answer questions, a rare phenomena at this clinic! She explained that she couldn't make any decisions, she would need to discuss with the consultant who is currently in surgery. However, she did explain that the options would probably be either to continue and see if I thicken, or more than likely to stop, let me have a bleed, and restart at a higher dose at a later date. So she sent us away to await a call...........

D went back to work, and as it is my birthday on Sunday my mum wanted to see me today to give me my card. So I start driving to my mums straight from the clinic, and 5 minutes into the drive receive a call from nurse K. She stated the consultant had reviewed my notes and recommends stopping this cycle, however if I really am against it then I could continue for a few days, but if by the next scan I haven't thickened, he will be insistent that I stop......she wants me to decide now! Fortunately on the way back to the car, and then heading off in different directions, me and D had discussed that if offered we would like to continue, and give time for the acupuncture to work, so this is what I told her. She kindly agreed and booked me in for a scan on Wednesday next week.

I then drove to my mums house, not quite knowing what to think, why I decided to go there I don't know! I had to sit there with a fake smile, and pretend everything was OK, but it wasn't, it isn't!! It was awful, I was fighting back the tears so hard, I think I just wanted to see my mum, and my mum be 'normal' and be able to do what a 'normal' mum would, hug me and talk to me and tell me everything is going to be OK, but she can't do don't, because she herself isn't OK.

So I then leave my mums house and drive, I just drive and cry, and find myself at the beach!

And whilst I would like to say it was bloody lovely, it was OK.......I sat there.......sat on the rock for a good hour, and I cried! I tried to look at the beauty around me and tried to be positive, but why?? Being positive really hasn't got me anywhere.

I then drove home music blaring, reflecting and thinking, still crying, and when I got home I had these from work....

How lovely!! It was just what I needed, and actually made me realise I do work with some nice people.

I have also had some lovely messages and a phone call from some very caring and supportive friends, so I guess thats some light in the darkness, and something to be grateful for.

Where does the time go???

Cue another random blog post!

But really where does the time go?!?!

I seriously thought having time off work I would be bored, how would I fill the time?? What would I do?? Maybe I could even do some productive things, like tidy those cupboards that need sorting, get the old Annie Sloan paint out and paint some furniture Ive been meaning to do for a while, or even get the camera out and start a photography project. But nope!! Its not quite like that! I've been so lethargic, and its taking me so long to do something, that the time is just disappearing, and Im getting distracted so easily, going on social media, and generally just pondering!

So today for instance, I woke at 7 to take my buserelin, then back to bed and woke again at 9, I then spent the next hour on my phone looking at social media. Got up made some porridge, then watched some random videos on You Tube, had a shower and hung out the washing, it was now 1130!!

At 1215, I did however then do something very different, quite productive and actually somewhat therapeutic, I took part in a podcast with Natalie aka @fertilitypoddy http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com I strongly urge anyone going through infertility to check out Natalie very informative and helpful podcasts. Now I was quite taken aback when someone like Natalie is interested in hearing my story, let alone want to interview me for her podcast! I mean little ole me, really?!?! Well it happened!! And my God did I ramble....sorry Natalie!! But you know what, I think it is the first time I have told someone our infertility journey from start to now like that, and to realise that actually what we have been through isn't normal, it isn't fair, its shit! But instead of coming away feeling upset or angry, I actually feel a bit relieved, it was nice to just let it all out like that, to talk through it. And its got me thinking again about the whole counselling thing, it was offered once (as one free session), and to be honest its probably not just the concept of having to pay for it after, its also because Im afraid to talk, Im afraid to open up for fear of what might be let out, what gremlins might come out to haunt us/me, but actually after talking to Natalie, a stranger, but actually a nice stranger, I surprised myself at how easy it was to spill all that. Thats another reason why I've almost I suppose poo-pooed counselling, is because Im not a talker, you might find that surprising from reading these blogs and that I was OK to go on a podcast, but you see thats because this blog and the podcast is anonymous, and not many people who know me, know about it, so I can be real, I can be raw, with little fear of upsetting those close to me, or worrying what they might think. But you know what, maybe its time to consider counselling??? Before I change my mind again!! Natalie also encouraged me to review our clinic on the HFEA website, and inform them of our concerns, again something I really am now considering doing.

So anyway back again to my day, and where the time goes! Well the lovely chat with Natalie took about an hour, I then decided to do some lunch, now feeling a bit more upbeat and a little more energetic today I decided to cook some soup, a chicken and mushroom soup, now note to self, DO NOT liquidise chicken, it tasted nice, but the texture was gross, see below image, bleurghhhh........

My plan was then to do some meal prep this afternoon, as its a day today where I have some energy, I have come to the realisation that I need to use it when I have it, so was planning on cooking up some soups from Emma Cannons book 'Fertile' but after cooking the soup, eating it, getting engrossed in some more social media, doing the dishes it was then 1615, and I had an urge to blog, so here I am! And that's where my day has gone so far!

But I guess a day like today isn't so bad, its far nicer than the day I had on Sunday, wow I think that is one of my darkest days yet, certainly the darkest this cycle. I woke up and straight away felt sad, I had that burning feeling in my chest like I was about to cry, that same feeling I seem to have a lot at the min, whereas days like today I may get a glimmer of that feeling, I am able to swallow it, smile and bury it and move on, but days like Sunday I can't, I just couldn't. So I lay there and cried for about half an hour, then managed to pull myself together and get downstairs to D, he was busy studying and I hadn't thought he had noticed, but he had, and he just held me and I cried some more. I even went back to bed for a bit and cried, and slept a little, and again D came and held me and I cried some more. I was like that pretty much the whole day, I didn't get showered or dressed I just cried, I didn't even want to eat. However in the evening I managed to cook a roast (hence the left over chicken in the soup today!!) and have a bath, went to bed cried and slept and woke up in a far better mood. But I guess this is what life with infertility is like. Though it is all massively exacerbated at the minute of course, as I have so many drugs and hormones in my body, and I am scared to say it but I think I need to..........it is making me depressed...........I keep using words like emotional, and down, but actually its making me fucking depressed!!! And I heard once, break those words down.....and you get 'deep rest' so I guess thats where my time is going, Im in 'deep rest' I guess my mind and my body just both need to rest at the moment, and thats OK, my God did I just actually say that?!?! Its OK?!?! Fuck, most of my friends will be pretty surprised to hear me say and think that its actually 'OK' to rest, I am not a restful person, I work hard and play hard, but actually right now I need to accept that I need to rest, and also accept that I am depressed. Ive always felt weak and wrong to let myself ever admit that, to ever not be positive, to be negative, to be down/depressed, its not me, but you know what, things are out of my control at the moment, and I hate that, thats another issue of mine, I need to be in control, I even made a snazzy chart to keep track of all what I need to take.....

Haha!! I seriously need to let go!! But you know what, whatever helps, eh?!

More Waiting....

So 5 days later and another scan.....

So this time it was a much more pleasant experience, well I'm not sure pleasant is the right word, I don't think someone shoving something up your foo, in a non romantic way is ever really pleasant! But none the less, it was much less awful! And that was because it was a different sonographer, whoop whoop!!! And my goodness what a difference! She stood behind the curtain to allow me to get undressed in private, she checked my D.O.B, she showed interest when I was telling her about all the interesting things I've been eating, and what a difference it makes just to be met by a smile and some dignity, it may seem small, but actually to the patient, it makes a huge difference. A lot of my anxiety lately have been surrounding clinic appointments and the awful staff we sometimes come across. Speaking of things I have been eating, last week following off loading on my blog post, I went raging down to sainsbury's, with the mentality of 'fuck you nurse, bloody well tell me there is nothing I can do to help thicken my lining' well this is what I came back with......

So at least no one can say I didn't try!! Ive also been using some of the recipes from the Emma Cannon book 'Fertile' Ive only briefly looked at it so far, but what I have seen and cooked has been delicious! Im also planning on spending some time this eve/tomorrow (depending on how I feel) batch cooking a load of soups, was hoping it would be for the 2ww but.....

This mornings appointment wasn't all good news, I went in with high hopes today, I have been resting, eating right (see above pic), using warm compress etc, but nope! Thats still not enough! My effing body really does like to play games! However its not terrible, my lining is 6mm at its biggest some areas are 5.5mm, so no transfer this week :( FET was originally planned for Wed. Today we were told this by a nice young nurse, who actually showed some compassion and concern at how emotional I have been, though she gave me reassurance that it is all normal with buserelin, unfortunately I seem to be very sensitive to the side effects, so we were sent home to await a call following a discussion with the consultant.

We left the hospital, D went back to work, I went to see my Mum, who surprisingly was actually quite supportive and concerned by the situation, I then went to see my Gran who I expected to be more supportive than my mum, but to my surprise really didn't seem to understand the situation, she did express her concern for me, but this was more towards the end of the visit, after spending about 30 mins of hearing her bitch about my mum! This has been a constant battle for years, my Gran is awesome, she really is an incredible lady who has been through some horrific times, but she seriously does not understand mental illness, and is really not understanding of my mum (her daughter) its a vicious cycle and a complex situation, so I shall not bore with the details on the blog, it is just another one of those situations which makes the whole infertility bullshit even harder to deal with.

Throughout both visits I had in the back of my head, what will they do now?? Will they continue maybe increase the oestrogen??? Or will they abandon??? Each time I come away still not knowing, forgetting to ask, what happens? what is the protocol???? Will they just keep going?? Keep pushing until my lining is thick enough??? Or is it like when they go for EC, and when not responding, they abandon??? Again no one has told us.....no surprises there!!

However, whilst at my Grans I received a phonecall.........and.........PHEW!!!! They are not going to abandon, I had to go back to the clinic to get some oestrogen patches, to use in addition to the pills and buserelin, and then return to the clinic on Friday for a scan, so again.......

..... WE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!