So we went to the Fertility Show at Olympia in London last Saturday. It was certainly an experience and Im glad we went. Its not for the faint hearted though!
So we're currently at a bit of a crossroads, not really sure what direction to head in....
For anyone who hasn't followed our journey heres a bit of a recap....
We've been TTC for 5 years now, I have PCOS a blocked left fallopian tube and my husband has poor morphology and motility. We had to wait the 2 years before being referred to a fertility clinic on the NHS, it was then almost a further year before we started treatment. We had to skip the usual route of clomid due to my blocked tube and DH sperm. Over the next 9 months we had 3 attempts at getting me to the point of egg collection, on the 3rd attempt I finally made it but went into OHSS so I had a freeze all and no transfer. We have 15 frozen embryos waiting. I have then had 2 attempts at getting my endometrium thick enough for a transfer but with the drugs they are giving me it is just not happening. I pushed for a natural cycle which they did straight after a drugs cycle, and it was to no avail, but I had little monitoring and a natural cycle straight after a drug induced one surely isn't a 'true' natural one is it?? I then started a new job and we decided to have a 6 month break. Prior to the break I did have a hysteroscopy which I pushed for and it was NAD, they also informed me there was one more lot of drugs they would try but unlikely I would thicken up to the required 8-9mm but they would try a transfer anyway but unlikely it will work.
The clinic we go to is our local NHS one, and it is SHIT!!!!! The staff are robotic and un human, there is no dignity, respect and certainly no individualised care, it is very much 1 protocol for all! My homeopath hates the consultant and states he has had no training since 1989! His protocols are very out of date and he is dangerous. Throughout my whole experience with them I have certainly felt they are behind with the times, there is no interest in anything that doesn't follow the medical model, they are very against homeopathy, acupuncture and even nutrition! They are so far away from my beliefs that I don't think I can go back there. I have very little faith and trust in them, and even less so when Ive seen their data on the HFEA website and compared with other clinics, and also just comparing how other clinics treat. The safety is also a big issue, since doing more research into other clinics it has become even more apparent how dangerous they are, and how much harm they've already caused me. One of my best friends has just had a very severe case of OHSS at this clinic needing a hospital admission and almost ICU! However with this clinic we are still entitle to 2 NHS FETs. Our financial situation is not great we already have some debt so paying privately isn't an easy option. But I just really don't feel I want to go back there, so that leads me on to where we are now.....
Our homeopath has recommended Create Fertility, it is only 2 hours from us. We went to one of their open days and really liked them, we like the fact that they use natural and mild IVF, meaning there is no down regulation. I hate down regulation, the reason many clinics do it is for their convenience so you can be 'batched' how unethical is that??!?!? Especially with my ridiculously high AMH and PCOS, drugs such as buserelin are very hugh risk, but my current clinic did it anyway! We also have the option of transferring our 15 frosties here and using one of those. The only issue there is even though 6 are apparently top quality our homeopath warns the quality may not be great due to them being from a OHSS cycle. The care here also seems much more individualised.
When we went to the Fertility Show we also spoke with the Lister clinic. We need to do more research on them, and perhaps talk to our homeopath (she is a fertility guru!) I have heard good things about them in the past, and a few people have spoke with me on twitter and had good experiences. London is however 4 hours from us. With cost being an issue to us, they did speak about the possibility of egg sharing. This would mean I would go through a cycle, get 1 back and the rest would be donated, this would make the cycle free to us!! Now there are positives here in that we would only have to pay for travel, get to access a great clinic, and get to help others. But Im not sure on the ethics of it, would they put me at more risk as they would want to ensure they retrieve as many eggs as possible??? As I produce a lot they will be making a significant amount of money off me! What if someone else gets pregnant with my egg but I don't??? In the UK the child has a legal right when they get to 18 to find their birth mother, so I could have several knocks at my door in the future!
The other option was New Life fertility clinic in Greece. There was just something about these guys. They were very confident but not cocky. Very approachable and interested. The cost is about the same as in the UK, but the idea of going abroad and totally switching off to the stresses of home really appeals to me.
So our options are;
1) stay with current NHS clinic - local and free but at what cost to my health?
2) FET with create - less drugs
3)the Lister in London - free but at what ethical cost
4)New Life in Greece - includes a holiday!
Any thoughts would be gratefully received!!!
As for the fertility show, we really are glad we went. We certainly feel more informed. If anyone is thinking of it in future i wouldnt recommend at the start of your journey, you definitely need to have an idea of the fertility world before you go. But there are some great stands there, very informative but also very overwhelming. I had lots of impending thoughts of how wrong the whole thing is, there are businesses making money off peoples mis fortune. I hate how theres very little regulation on the services provided by the clinics and at what cost. The equitability across the NHS is also disgusting! If this was cancer care or something equivalent there would be uproar! However whilst the fertility show highlighted these issues it was not what it was about, there were some really good seminars and discussions which definitely better informed us. I wish we had planned a bit better though and made more of a plan of who/what we wanted to see. The seminars all overlapped which was a little frustrating as there was many I wanted to see but just couldn't fit in. There were many famous faces there too which was lovely to see, well famous in the infertility world! Its a very strange arrival, you go in to the very quiet lift with other couples looking as frightened as you feel, then the doors open to a large room of hustle and bustle which feels quite intimidating. One of the first faces I saw though was Natalie Silverman from the Fertility Podcast. I was relieved and excited to see a friendly face. Unfortunately we didn't get chance to say hello due to us running late for a seminar.
This past week my emotions have been a little all over the place, I feel overwhelmed undecided, scared and excited. My anxiety is back, but so is my brave face.....
Friday 9 November 2018
Wednesday 12 September 2018
I went to see a Homeopath!!!
Well there are a few updates to be had! Lots been going on! Most reasonably positive. Life has been very busy these past few months, a blessing and a curse. I really don't know where this year has gone! Its great in one way as theres been so much to think about other than the infertility shite! Some good, such as starting my new job, its been stressful, and have soooooo much responsibility, but I get to work from home a lot and have a really supportive lovely boss. The environment is much healthier too, much more professional and incredibly less toxic compared to my previous workplace. It has taken leaving my previous place to make me realise that in fact it wasn't me being too oversensitive at all, it was an awful place, a toxic environment and detrimental to my mental wellbeing! I didn't realise how unhappy I was and how much it was impacting on me until I left. Theres also lots been going on with my mum, she's had some ups and downs, and me and my sister now have an LPA for her, which means even more responsibility for us! So things have been busy, and like I said time has just flown by, but it makes me said that we're still no where close to having the family we so desire :( And really sad that I don't have the support of my mum or any parent for that matter.
So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........
SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked, that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!
She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???
So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.
So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!
So the title of this blog post.....well I went to see a homeopath! This came about due to me starting a PCOS diet. I have joined the PCOS diet support group and subscribed to their plan, I must do a review blog post on that soon! Im really not very good at doing blog posts, like I said life has been busy and really got in the way. But thats OK, as said in previous blog posts, Im not doing this for any other reason than to document my journey, help myself get thoughts and feelings out, and as an added bonus hopefully help others going through a similar experience. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so much I want to write about. I started to keep a note on my iPhone of things I wanted to blog about, mainly things which bother me on a particular day, such as people putting up their 'back to school' pics of their children. This particularly got to me this year, there are people my age that I went to school with putting up pics of their children starting secondary school! And I don't even have a baby yet! Also those just starting school, if we had conceived when we first started trying, that would have been me :( There are more things on my phone but thats in another room currently! So I will just continue with the title of this blogpost........
SO I started to say earlier before I got sidetracked, that I have joined the PCOS diet support group, its been really helpful. A few weeks ago I was feeling extremely fatigued, a few people suggested seeing a homeopath, so I did! I can't believe I have not done this before, I have tried EVERYTHING else!!! I mean EVERYTHING!!! Or so I thought I had but clearly not! Homeopathy is right up my street! I love anything alternative, I guess I am a bit of a hippy! We were there approx 2 hours, she was fantastic, really went into the history of everything, and for the first time ever explained everything to us! DH came too, which was fantastic. I love him for that and many other things soooooo much! I really am so lucky, to have someone who is so supportive, who listens and who is as equally interested as I am. So her theory is that I don't have 'true' PCOS, I certainly have it but she believes there is more going on and that it can be reversed. I have all the classic signs of a thyroid disorder, so she thinks that is having a big impact on my hormonal imbalances. My TSH is often low but it has never been low enough to treat, or when it has they repeat the bloods in a few weeks and it rises again. She has advised me to take Nascent Iodine, which I have just started, my God it tastes gross!!! She also thinks a lot of my issues is caused by my traumatic childhood, I started my periods late at 15 almost 16, before that childhood abuse was rife, and my Mum was in hospital having a severe mental breakdown and we had no contact with her. She talked about the primitive brain and how my body wouldn't let me have periods as it felt it wasn't safe, and how this is still programmed into my DNA, as I haven't dealt with it all properly. This made total sense! It was all very hard to hear and to discuss, I do hate talking about it all, I like to think of it in a box, a sealed box never to be opened. However life isn't quite like that, little tears appear in the box and a little bit seaps out every now and again. I hate how my parents destroyed my childhood, and now still are having such an impact on my adulthood! good news however is that she believes this can all be rectified, she has given me a list of supplements to take, and some 'remedies' for both me and DH. She also stated that the fact I had such awful reactions to the drugs each time wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it meant that I do have the correct hormones, they are just a little out of whack!
She also discussed our fertility clinic at great length, she really did not have good things to say about them, in particular the consultant. She hates him!!! I mean really hates him!!! She called him barbaric, and incompetent. She stated he had not had any up to date training since 1989!! The protocols he uses are very out of date and the treatments he has used on me with my issues have been very dangerous, she was disgusted that he let me go into OHSS. She strongly recommended we do not go back there. However it isn't quite that simple, there is no other clinic locally to us, and we are still entitled to 2 FETs on the NHS with this clinic. We have 15 frosties waiting there. She advised against even using them as they were a result of a OHSS cycle so felt that they would be highly unlikely to result in a pregnancy. She has recommended some other clinics, private ones which are minimum 2 hours from us, one in particular is Create fertility in Bristol, has anyone had any experience with them???
So we're at a little loss of what to do. We do have a planned appointment with our clinic tomorrow to discuss possible FET in Nov, Im quite reluctant to go with them now am a little scared to put my body through yet more drugs with them, which could then undo the good work the homeopath is doing. We are still going to go tomorrow and see what they have to say, and try and see if we can delay things a little more with them. There is an open day at Create in Oct so we are going to plan that, and also may even go to the Fertility fair in London in November.
So things are very up in the air at the moment! Fingers crossed I get some results from the homeopath!
Sunday 1 July 2018
Can the Chiropractor fix my fertility as well as my back??
So the past few months have been up and down, but I can happily say mainly up! I think thats predominantly due to me starting my new job, I really underestimated how unhappy I was in my previous job, how awful and toxic the atmosphere there was, and how it impacted on my mental health. My new job is still stressful, but there is a very different atmosphere. I predominantly work from home, which I actually love! There are no office politics and I am free to manage my own time. The ethos of the whole company is very different, they fully support and respect their staff, my new manager is amazing too, very fair, lovely and doesn't take any shit! They seem to really see my worth too, which has really boosted my confidence, so much so they have encouraged me to go for a promotion, of which I have an interview for this week! I should currently be prepping, but I am the worlds biggest procrastinator so am blogging instead! Though blogging is helpful, almost helps with the preparation, as hopefully it will help free up some headspace to help me better concentrate. The very reason I started blogging in the first place was to be able to off load, something in which I am very bad at! You see I am an optimist, I hate negativity, and try to steer well clear of it, I am all for mindfulness, seizing the moment, reach for the stars, take a deep breath and inhale the beautiful sea air type person, which is wonderful, but sometimes not realistic, you see when you are this way, everyone expects you to always be this way, and when you aren't they just don't know what to do with you! And I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know how to open up, how to say I actually feel pretty crap, because thats not me, Im that person who listens to the other person feeling like that. And also being this way, means its a lot harder to fall, when reality hits and things get a bit shitty. Why am I like this??? Well fuck knows! My life certainly has not been all hearts and flowers, if you have read my previous blog posts you will know I have had a pretty terrible child hood, and have been dealt a few shitty cards in adult hood too! My life certainly is not perfect, but who's is??? There are people worse off than me!! See there I go again, thinking of others! But anyway I'd much rather be this way, yes things hurt sometimes, but they could be a lot worse, and whilst going through so much shit, really and truly fucking sucks, it does make you appreciate things more.
I am steering off track, but again if you have read my previous blogs, you know thats what I do!!! Haha! Another reason I think I have been happier these past few months is we are currently 'on a break' not 'on a break' in Ross and Rachel terms (Friends ref!!!! come on Friends is epic!!!) but on a break from treatment. And you know what, its so refreshing! It feels amazing! I never would have thought it would, Im not the most patient of people, and want things done yesterday, and always have a fear of running out of time, and getting too old, which is quite funny really, as my time management skills are pretty horrendous! Over the past almost 5 years now of TTC, Ive always been in a rush to start the next thing, the agonising wait between appointments and treatments, always felt like a lifetime, so I never would have thought that I would have chosen to have a 6 month break. Well tbh it sort of wasn't a choice, as the main reason is because Ive started my new job, so I really needed to give myself time to get to grips with it, and also it was the sensible option, as if the treatment did work and I did pregnant I wouldn't get any maternity pay until I have been with the company for 6 months, so taking a break made financial sense too. But it really has done wanders for my mental health, and physical health too, I have much more energy, I feel healthier, and its just been so nice to not constantly be thinking about infertility bullshit!
So moving on to the title of this blog post, the past few weeks I have been having worsening pain in my right hip, shoulder and ankle. Now I am someone with an incredibly high pain threshold, and often push through when others might not. I have suffered with these pains for years, but have never really got them fixed, I did have physio on my shoulder over a year ago with not much success, and the acupuncturist did help my shoulder but didn't resolve it, other than that Ive just got on with it, putting it down to my job, and old injuries I have gathered over the years. However the past few weeks it has become quite debilitating so I decided to try something new and see a chiropractor. Well it was really fascinating, the below picture shows my problem areas along with all the other parts of the body they effect....
Notice how many of the areas are relating to many of the areas of the body which have an impact on fertility! He stated that he is very confident that I will be pain free in about 3-4 weeks! This will then have a direct impact on the rest of my health, I will sleep better, feel less anxious, release less adrenaline, which will improve fertility. Also by correcting the problem areas, the nervous system connected to these areas will also improve! He stated that 9/10 women with menstrual irregularities regulate after being corrected through chiropractic practices! Pretty incredible eh?! Well lets hope this has some benefit for me, and is not yet again me 'blue sky thinking' and being too optimistic, heading yet again for another great fall!
I am steering off track, but again if you have read my previous blogs, you know thats what I do!!! Haha! Another reason I think I have been happier these past few months is we are currently 'on a break' not 'on a break' in Ross and Rachel terms (Friends ref!!!! come on Friends is epic!!!) but on a break from treatment. And you know what, its so refreshing! It feels amazing! I never would have thought it would, Im not the most patient of people, and want things done yesterday, and always have a fear of running out of time, and getting too old, which is quite funny really, as my time management skills are pretty horrendous! Over the past almost 5 years now of TTC, Ive always been in a rush to start the next thing, the agonising wait between appointments and treatments, always felt like a lifetime, so I never would have thought that I would have chosen to have a 6 month break. Well tbh it sort of wasn't a choice, as the main reason is because Ive started my new job, so I really needed to give myself time to get to grips with it, and also it was the sensible option, as if the treatment did work and I did pregnant I wouldn't get any maternity pay until I have been with the company for 6 months, so taking a break made financial sense too. But it really has done wanders for my mental health, and physical health too, I have much more energy, I feel healthier, and its just been so nice to not constantly be thinking about infertility bullshit!
So moving on to the title of this blog post, the past few weeks I have been having worsening pain in my right hip, shoulder and ankle. Now I am someone with an incredibly high pain threshold, and often push through when others might not. I have suffered with these pains for years, but have never really got them fixed, I did have physio on my shoulder over a year ago with not much success, and the acupuncturist did help my shoulder but didn't resolve it, other than that Ive just got on with it, putting it down to my job, and old injuries I have gathered over the years. However the past few weeks it has become quite debilitating so I decided to try something new and see a chiropractor. Well it was really fascinating, the below picture shows my problem areas along with all the other parts of the body they effect....
Notice how many of the areas are relating to many of the areas of the body which have an impact on fertility! He stated that he is very confident that I will be pain free in about 3-4 weeks! This will then have a direct impact on the rest of my health, I will sleep better, feel less anxious, release less adrenaline, which will improve fertility. Also by correcting the problem areas, the nervous system connected to these areas will also improve! He stated that 9/10 women with menstrual irregularities regulate after being corrected through chiropractic practices! Pretty incredible eh?! Well lets hope this has some benefit for me, and is not yet again me 'blue sky thinking' and being too optimistic, heading yet again for another great fall!
Saturday 28 April 2018
We're having 2 Kids?!?!
So its been a crazy few weeks!
Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'
So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!
So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.
So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.
So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!
So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................
Ive been mega busy, but mega busy is good! Busy is how I cope, I dont do and cant do 'relaxing' relaxing gives too much time to think, too much time to think brings about negativity, I'm a burrier and like to 'just get on with it.'
So you're probably wandering about the title right?! Well its a little odd eh?! So recently, since our last appointment, I guess I've kind of come to terms with, well maybe not quite, and I wouldn't say accepted either, I guess maybe 'factoring in' or perhaps 'expecting' is the right term, that a biological child for us is probably unlikely. Wow that burns to write it down, that just made my heart sink. But its how we've both been feeling. Though we've been trying to think positively about it, or as positively as you can, maybe more like not thinking negatively as a pose to positively, in that we've been more openly talking about the possibility of adoption. So our plan was, or still is I guess, to go with the 6 month break whilst I start my new job, and in that time, try to 'relax' oh isn't that such a taboo word, when you're TTC!!! But that is what we're trying to do, trying to put the fertility stuff to the side for a bit, concentrate on the new job, do some more renovations on the house, though that isn't quite going to plan, we have some debt already and have been declined anymore credit, so we're just going to have to do odd little bits and pieces, not the grand plans that we have, why oh why, does everything we ever want to do, want to achieve always come with so many obstacles!!
So anyway this past week has been awesome, we had a mini break to Portugal, and OMG it was incredible!! We found an amazingly cheap deal, in a very luxury 5* hotel, we didn't make any plans, and just went with the flow each day, we ate, we drank, we walked, we laughed, we made love, and we just really enjoyed each others company, and you know what we did kind of forget all the baby stuff for a bit, we were just a normal young couple for a few days, we forgot about home life, issues with my mum, money worries etc, it was amazing and just what we needed. Oh and please don't think, that the 'relaxing' and 'love making' and drinking would have contributed to a BFP, like you hear of, you know what I'm talking about, those 'success stories' of couples that have tried for years, they go on holiday, get pissed, shag and hey presto they're pregnant!! If only it was that fucking simple! That most certainly hasn't happened, as on the last day AF arrived! She was late as usual, but fortunately didn't arrive to ruin the holiday which I was concerned about, and actually for once did arrive before an important appointment, next Friday, I have the appointment through for the hysteroscopy which I wouldn't be able to have if AF was around.
So back to the title......after our holiday I went to see a psychic. I'm always a little skeptical on psychics, but am also very intrigued, the reason I saw this lady is my sister-in-law saw her and had an amazing experience, she got through to her mum who died several years ago, and said some very specific things, and it has really impacted on her life so much so that very quickly she is upping sticks and her and her family are moving to Australia! So with me, she said several things, again very specific, she got through to my aunt, who said some pretty awful things about my mum, she said she is very ill and will get worse, she said that I don't like her, but I love her because I feel I should, she doesn't help herself, I had an awful childhood, was left to fend for myself and look after my sister. And one of the worst things is that she could have prevented stuff we suffered with my dad but she chose not to! She also said that the only thing I have learned from her is how not to be a mum. She asked when my dad had passed, I replied as far as I'm aware he hasn't but he is dead to me, she stated that he is very ill, probably cancer and will die soon!!! There were some pretty damning things about work too, which reinforced my reasons for leaving, though she did say my new job will be incredible, it will be my dream job, I will flourish and be well respected and actually valued for what I do. She of course said lovely things about D, how he is a good man, he worships me and will do anything for me, I need to stop being pig headed, and I also need to stop beating myself up thinking it is my fault we cannot have kids, and he loves me for me not for the ability to give him a child.
So the reason for this title, is pretty early on in the reading she felt that we were TTC and having difficulty, she said it is bullshit that I think I cant carry, as I can!!!!! She stated that we will have 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they will be close together, by the age of 34 I will have 2 kids! The first pregnancy will be this year! She reckons one will be ICSI and the other natural. She was very adamant about it! She also said that when I do become a mother, I will feel complete, much happier and will take to motherhood easily, though because of all Ive been through will be extremely over protective and I will be the mother at school kicking off because someone has upset my kid! Haha!!!
So there you go that's the reason for the title!! D is very skeptical about it, and cried when I told him, he was quite concerned that it has given me false hope again. Maybe it has?! But I really hope not, for the first time in a long while, I can actually believe and feel that things might actually happen, I might finally get a BFP, experience pregnancy, and child birth. It 'might' FINALLY happen!!! Maybe its all a load of crap?! Maybe it is all hippy, spooky shit, but you know what for the first time in a long time, I feel 'OK' I feel positive and hopeful................
Saturday 17 March 2018
Broken
So this year has seriously flown by! How is it March already, and almost Easter! But its snowing! So random, certainly doesnt seem like Spring!
So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!
Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.
In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!
That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.
So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(
We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.
We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.
So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.
So much has happened, happening, and as per usual its been a while since my last blog!
Where do I start? With the negatives or the positives?! Lets go with the positives.....well the positive is that I have a new job! Well 'have' in the sense that Ive been offered it, and have a start date of the 14th May. Its quite unexpected and wasn't planned! So I'm hoping its the right thing, it feels like the right thing.....I think! If uncertainty was a skill, I would certainly be a pro at it! I haven't been happy in my current job for the past year, its really brought me down, I have had many a time when Ive come home in tears, not because of the job I do, the actual job I love, the team I love, or loved, most of the people that I loved, the people that I bonded with and had a shared passion and love for the job, have either left or leaving, it is just my sister that is left there now. So it feels right to be moving on, the job is not what it once was, the spirit of the job and the team has gone, there are so many changes, and so many politics that I don't agree with, and with everything else going on, I really need to not also be stressed by my job. I need a job, that I love, feel supported in and respected in, and doesn't cause so much stress and anguish. The new job is also a promotion, which is amazing, I will finally be recognised for the skills I possess and the hard work I have put in over the years, it feels very much in my current job that I am at a dead end, there is no where for me to go, and I certainly haven't felt valued or respected, I have been taken advantage of and had my confidence knocked. So to work in an environment in which I will feel valued, and be able to put skills in use, will hopefully do me the world of good! The pay is much better too, which will certainly ease the burden of infertility and how costly that can be, especially if we get to the point of needing to pay for more treatment. Another fantastic bonus is I will actually receive maternity pay! Something which is not offered at my current job (I was unaware when I took the job!) I was unsure whether to tell my new boss about the ongoing fertility treatment, I tweeted about it and the consensus was 'No don't tell her' but something told me I should, I'm a very honest person, sometimes too honest for my own good! I was concerned that if needing time off for appointments etc, and she found out I'd been having treatment for years, she might be a little pissed off, and feel I was dishonest, she also seems very kind, so it felt right to tell her.........well I couldn't have had a better response! She was so grateful that I was honest, and really respected me for it, she was also very understanding and sympathetic of the situation, and even informed me she has had treatment herself! So I am hoping this will be a good move, I am hoping I will be happier, feel more valued, and better supported with the treatment.
In other news, things with my mum have been pretty tough, she has needed a lot more support from me and my sister lately, she has had lots of appointments after having several recent falls, and they now think she might have Parkinson's! I have suspected this for quite some time, they have cleared her from dementia which is great, but Parkinson's is equally as bad, though hopefully she will now receive more adequate support. Its still pretty shit though, the hope of her having a normal life is totally gone, the hope of her being a normal 'parent' let alone 'grandparent' has up and left!
That brings me on to Mothers day, oh what a day that was!! I was pretty anxious leading up to it, as remembered how awful it was last year. Though I was more prepared, this year I wasn't going to take my mum out, it sounds awful and I think she expected it, but its not only tough because I am not a mother, it is also tough because yes I have a mother in the physical sense, but I don't have a 'proper' mother, I don't have a mother who will hug me and tell me things will be 'OK,' I don't have a mother who I can talk to, I don't have a mother who knows my worries, I don't have a mother who can wipe my tears. I have a mother with severe mental health problems, now also physical problems, I have a mother who I have to care for. So Mothers day is particularly hard! Last year we did take her out and it was horrific, she wasn't particularly well, so I was conscious of peoples 'looks' their judgement, which I know I shouldn't be, so that then fills me with guilt for feeling embarrassed. It was so tough watching everyone else out with their 'perfect' Mums, their 'perfect' children, knowing I don't have either! So Mothers day is a double whammy for me. I fucking hate it! I woke this year, thinking I was prepared, knowing it would be shit, so hoping I would be able to shrug it off, but I couldn't, instead I woke with tears streaming down my face, and they didn't stop, they didn't stop all day! I stupidly went on social media, that tore me apart for obvious reasons. Though a few infertile friends decided to post on facebook the trials they were facing, so I thought u know what..... FUCK IT! I will do the same, I haven't ever posted anything on facebook about infertility or even my mum, I am a pretty private person, and a lot of people still have no idea of what I face, and with so much on infertility awareness, I felt actually, you know what, lets tell the fucking world! I usually hate those 'woe is me' type posts and it is something I never do, hence why my blog and twitter is anonymous, most people who know me, would be quite surprised to know how I really feel, I am always that person with that signature smile, the person who everyone thinks things must be going well for, well they were in for a bit of a shock! I was pretty surprised with the response, I didn't expect much, I didn't want much, I don't know really what I was expecting, however I had some lovely messages, there were my really close friends who probably would have checked in with me anyway, those that do know, but then there were people who I haven't seen or spoken to in years, who messaged me the sweetest things, as much as it was a shite day it was lovely to feel so loved and cared for.
So on to the nitty gritty, the infertility bullshit.....
So January we tried a natural cycle, 'natural' being that they were tracking my womb lining, without me taking any drugs. I tried everything possible to help myself, I did veganuary (something which probably deserves its own blogpost, it was fantastic I felt great, I lost weight, my energy levels soared, and my mind felt clear), I went to the gym, I spent lots of time with friends, and tried to stay as relaxed as possible, but hey guess what......it was a big fat fail! Well a fail in the sense they scanned me twice, and my womb lining was nowhere near where it should be so they abandoned. The nurse gave me 3 options, I could either have a break, go straight into a medicated cycle with different drugs than before, or wait and see the consultant. As you can imagine I had lots of questions, so we decided to wait and see the consultant. Well that appointment took 2 months to come through, and I have just seen her this week. It was the same consultant we saw at Christmas, but only the second time we had met her, she stated she didn't recognise me, I joked that it was because last time she saw my foo not my face, she laughed uncomfortably, though D found it hilarious! Before going in to the appointment we had already kind of decided we would like a break for a few months, 1 to get me used to my new job and settled in, but also to allow my body a break and time to heal and refresh, and also a mental break for the both of us. She agreed it would be a good idea and re offered the counseling service, something we are seriously thinking about. She also stated that they have no idea why my womb lining wont thicken. I asked whether it could be investigated, she felt this would be a good idea and is referring me for a hystoscopy, this has up to a 16 week wait, which actually wont be such a bad thing, it gives us chance for that break. When we are ready to restart there are some different drugs which we can try, she was quite honest though which I respected and said that there is a high chance that my lining just wont get to the optimum which is 8-9mm, however they will still implant at my best which has been 5-6mm, but the chances of a successful pregnancy are low. I asked what the next step would be if that was unsuccessful, however she avoided that! Leading me to believe it would be game over :(
We left the appointment, a little stunned, both quiet in the car, though D attempting to crack some jokes, but I couldn't laugh, I was fighting back the tears, but doing terribly at it, they started rolling down my face, we got home, and hugged, and spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa in his arms watching friends.
We had planned the following day to go to an adoption event, we know we are not at that point yet, but I am a planner, and I like to know all my options. Adoption scares me, I am scared of the counseling process, I am scared that we might fail, I am scared we would end up with a horror child! But I am more scared of being childless, so we felt that going to this event would give us a feel for whether this could be an option, or something we cross off our list. However after that appointment we were both quite heartbroken, so we decided it is not the right time right now.
So that's where I am, pretty excited but also scared for me new job. Hoping to enjoy a bit of a break from the infertility bullcrap. Hoping we have made the right decisions. But for the most coming to the terms with the fact that having our own biological child, is seeming less and less likely, and the less likely it is, the more broken we get.
Wednesday 3 January 2018
Another Year, Dare we Hope??
And so it is 2018!
Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.
I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'
That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.
I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!
So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.
So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'
Another New Year, another Year of hopes and dreams. Each year I start January in the hope that 'this is our year' as do most people. Last year wasn't particularly bad, but it wasn't particularly good either, you could say it was a bit of a non event really. There were some highlights my sisters wedding of course was the best one. And there were some lows too, but the lows just keep coming, and part of me just expects them now and they have almost become a part of life, especially where the fertility shit is concerned.
I had another scan this morning, and its become so much a part of life I haven't even mentioned it to anyone, accept D of course. Not because I don't want anyone to know, but because its just become so routine, Im fed up of talking about it. I used to get almost a bit excited and hopeful at the beginning of a cycle. But now I don't really feel anything at all, maybe just a little fed up, I don't feel particularly hopeful, but I also don't feel unhopeful, if that makes sense!? Ive come to the point now that having a baby in our future just seems to be more and more unimaginable. We used to talk all the time about 'when' we have kids, incorporating them into every future plan, then it started to become 'if' we have kids, now its more like 'well if we're not having kids.'
That being said we of course aren't giving up, I just feel like we're almost just going through the motions. However Ive been feeling more emotionally 'OK' I shed a few tears over Christmas but not as much as I expected, and I actually did enjoy the day, though got a little stressed as I cooked for everyone, then we had to rush away to Ds family. Though it was probably a good thing, and maybe why I wasn't terribly emotional, as I was busy, busy for me is good! Im no good 'relaxing' and taking time out to think, it makes me far too emotional, Im much better at 'just getting on with it' which I guess is what we are doing.
I have however been taking care of myself, you know its funny how carried away I get when I start blogging, I was wanting to write about reflexology and the first few paragraphs were totally unintended, but just came out as I free wrote this blog! So anyhow.......reflexology.....well I went for my first session just before Christmas, and my goodness me it was the most amazing experience! Ever since, I have felt much more chilled and more in control of my emotions. It really did seem to balance me, it was so relaxing, and in the most tranquil, quiet, remote, old barn. The woman was also great, she was a bit of a hippy, but I love that! I guess I am a bit of a hippy myself, in that I love anything alternative, and care a great deal about the environment. She is also undertaking a nutrition course, and would like me to be a case study. I gladly accepted! Whilst I am awaiting to start that she suggested doing a plant based diet for a few months to let my body 'heal,' Veganism is always something that had interested me, but I am an avid meat eater, I came from a family who lived in the country and went hunting, and my husband too is an avid meat eater. But it is now January, and you know what, lets not knock it until you try it, and tbh Ive tried every other damn thing going, so why not?!? So I am now embarking on 'Veganuary' I started it yesterday and so far its been OK, I felt hungry yesterday, but think it was more psychological! Ive accidentally eaten a few things that I realised after had egg or milk powder in, but on the whole Im doing OK! So we'll see......my thoughts currently are that it is very easy to slip into eating vegan junk food, and Im not sure how sustainable it will be for me long term......but like I said, don't knock it until you try it, who knows by February I could be completely converted! Ive also re joined the gym, I wanted to go back to crossfit, but haven't been in over a year now, and it costs £60 a month so for 2 of us thats £120!! This other Gym is £30 for the both of us! So we're hoping it will be a nice healthy activity that we can both enjoy together like we used to. I always find exercise really helps my mental well being too, so am hoping it will help me stay feeling happy, or as happy as I can be without a baby!
So todays scan......
I went alone again, which kinda sucked, but you know what, I think Im getting used to it, or maybe it is just because Im so used to it now, and like I said earlier its just become a part of life! Well I went in and it was the sonographer woman we really don't like, and she said with a great lack of compassion, that my womb lining isn't doing anything, its too thin at only 1mm, I asked what it should be at this point, Im day 14 of my cycle, and she said it should be at least 6mm! So off I went to wait in the waiting room, and wait to be called in by the nurse, she didn't have much to say, just that Im being slow again, and to come back next week for another scan. It was nurse J who is the one we've had bad experiences with in the past, she was actually OK today, but quite rushed, she surprisingly seemed pleased this was going to be a natural cycle. However last week when I saw the consultant (I totally forgot to blog last weeks appt!!) she was quite sceptical and not hopeful that I would do well on a natural cycle as my cycles are so irregular, but I pushed her to try it, its also quite nice to be off the drugs for a while but to still feel like I am trying to achieve something.
So bring on 2018, lets dare to hope that its 'our year!'
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