Hello......
Well its been years since I wrote a
blog! I started bloggin approx 5 years ago about my journey to becoming
fit....I lasted about a month! So I'm not quite sure what makes me think
I'll do better this time!
TBH I'm not really hoping to
get a huge audience or anything like that, this is just a place for me
to document my journey to baby (well hopefully we get a fucking baby!!)
apologies for language (well not really I don't fucking care, haha!!)
this is just going to be a very honest and upfront way for me to vent!
Because lets face it I'm pretty crappy at talking about my feelings!
I
have lots of friends......ALOT! For which I'm very greatful and
fortunate, some I can talk to, some not so much. Some will think they
know me well, and maybe even think I am a good talker and tell them
everything, but those that really know me, know that I'm not! I'm a good
listener, I'm that friend that people come to when they have an issue,
I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, I never really know
what to say, but for some reason.....un be known to me....I'm 'that
friend.' Another reason why this is all so hard, as the past year I've
needed other people to be 'that friend.' And I do... I do have 'that
friend' well a few of them, but I said before I'm not good at being
'that person' who needs 'that friend.' Some people are, I certainly have
a few friends who constantly need me to be 'that friend' often for
things that to me seem very trivial, however to that person it is not
trivial at all, hence why I will always be 'that friend.'
Well
I have no idea where that last paragraph even came from, it was not my
intention at all! My intention for this blog, as I think I said earlier
on is to use this space to vent and get my feelings out about my journey
TTC, perhaps thats where it is coming from?! Because I dont like being
the person who needs 'that friend' I often joke that I am an 'emotional
retard' as I find it extremely difficult to show my feelings, I rarely
cry, however these last 2 years I have cried more than I EVER have! I
have had lots of trying times in my life, I am only 29 but feel like I
have had to deal with more than my fair share! I had a truly shit child
hood, and had to deal with things no child should EVER! It was
sickening! Which is probably where my emotional retardation stems from, I
had to be that way, it was my coping mechanism, if I hadn't I would not
have survived, I would not be the person I am today. I am not saying I
am an angel, far from it, I have many flaws....MANY....but I have a few
good points to, I am strong, fuck me I am strong! So strong though that I
can be an emotional retard! Maybe thats to strong of a term.....I do
feel, I am kind, I sound like a am a hard bitch! I guess I am
sometimes....however I do cry....I CRY!! and I hate it! I dont do crying
well! However the past 2 years I have certainly become more
emotional...I think since I started my new job....I am a nurse working
in palliative care, so my job is extremely emotional! However I work in
the most amazing team we are like a little family, we care about each
other, there are a select few who I now consider some of my best
friends, and often find myself actually talking and confiding in them!
Something which I NEVER would have done at work!
Anyway, I appear to have gone off track, or I have I?!
I
wanted to write my first blog giving some history of my journey TTC up
until now - pre blog! However I also want to just write.....just write
whatever comes into my head...'get it off my chest' so to speak, and it
appears that is what I have just done! There will be no scheadule for
these blogs, who knows when the next one may be...an hour...a day..a
week.....or month! Or will there even be a next one? Will anyone even
read this?! I couldn't really give a shit if anyone reads it or not!
However if you have....what did u think? Though why I am even asking
that question...this is for me...to vent....so...never mind!
Anyway
I most probably wont even tell anyone about this blog, or maybe I
will? One day? But when? Perhaps years from now? Perhaps months? weeks? I
very much doubt days! I am not in that place write now....however if I
have told you and you are reading this...then you must be 'that friend.'
