Merry Fucking Christmas!!

Well.....so Christmas....its come and gone!

Usually I love Christmas..but this year we didn't get what we want, we're still sitting here, childless and feeling pretty hopeless! So it was crap!

We had decided a while back that we wanted to spend Christmas just the 2 of us, but oh my did it cause issues! Surprisingly not with my family, my family actually got it! But Ds family really didn't, his mum got quite upset, and his brother has been awkward, so so awkward! But hey ho thats another story! However its been most unhelpful, especially for D, its really upset him, and its just not fair! Familys eh?!

Anyway this one still loves us, and helped put a forced smile on our faces.....

So anyway where are we now.....well nowhere, and thats just how it feels, we're fucking nowhere!!! We're in that limbo, after failing ICSI and IUI to waiting...oh that wait, thats all to familiar in the land of infertility! Though this time its different, its harder, why?! Well who knows, we couldn't tell you! Maybe its this maybe its that, theres oh so many maybes!! But I think the biggest thing is, the IUI just raised our hopes so much and then the fall was harder, so much harder. Its been several weeks now, but Im still crying most days, particularly when I wake and when I go to sleep, and the hot flushes they're still coming particularly at night, though I had the last decopeptyl (down regulator) beginning of November, so would have expected that to stop?!! And D, he's really struggling, which I think is whats hurting me the most, I cant stand to see him heartbroken, I love him so much and to see him hurting, hurts me!

However I have tried to be pro active, I have booked in for acupuncture on the 9th Jan, Ive heard good things....Ive also bought a book '8 steps to reverse your PCOS' so.....we'll see! Ive also been looking into adoption, thinking it might help, but it hasn't! I was very against the idea, I was in the camp of 'if we cant have a biological child, then we'll just be those people who have lots of holidays and dogs!' But D wasn't he had adoption on his radar, and the idea has grown on me, so needing to know my options I looked into it, but due to my asshole father and my bi-polar mother it complicates things! It will be another horrendous heart wrenching emotional rollercoaster, that right now I don't know that I can handle. But hey I'm probably getting ahead of myself, lets await the next plans from the clinic and hope that with the acupuncture ICSI might work?!

Then theres my friends, I have many, but through this journey, some have become distant, some have become closer, which is most probably down to me, I push people away, I put on my smile and people think Im fine, though some have realised Im not and have become closer, but still people don't quite get it they don't quite get me! I don't ask for help, I may subtly...you know...' do u fancy a cuppa?' 'dog walk' 'lunch' when really Im saying, HELP I need a friend! But I cant do that! Why cant I? Im the first to drop everything and go when my friends need me, but my friends often let me down, though they think they are just letting me down on 'a cuppa.'

Anyway until next time.......

Heartbreak

So yesterday we ended our 'two week wait' following our IUI procedure (see previous post).

I finished a nightshift, and drove home, I live less than 10 mins from work, but my goodness that drive felt like hours!! My stomach was in knots, my heart in my mouth, I am not religious, but maybe theres something out there?! Who knows, I wasnt taking any chances, so I prayed the whole way home! I parked on the drive, and bursting for a wee (I'd not Pu'd for approx 5 hours!!) burst into the door, ran up the stairs closely followed by D and the dog!

I pee'd on the stick (a basic one, from my amazon bulk buy!) (just half a wee in case I need to retest!) and began the timer.....'STOP looking at it', D begs, as I sit there fixated and watching, hoping, praying for that second line...'how long has it been' desperation in my voice, '1 min' wow those 5 mins go by sooooooo damn slowly.....finally 5 mins are up, and we both look in desperation.....OMG I think I see something, its faint....could it be just a crease in the window...could it be a shadow...could it be a POSITIVE!?!?!? Some hope!! D's not convinced, but wanting to be extra sure, I rip open the digital one, the one we've been saving, the one that is suppost to give us that BFP!! So again I pee on the stick, again those mins go so damn slow, we both sit there holding each other, hoping, my hopes raised, watching that little timer...then...then those words...'NOT PREGNANT'

WOW another train just hit, those fuckers just keep coming, though this time, how do we move ourselves off those tracks?!?! I howl....tears streaming down my face, snot all over Ds jumper, we sat there on the floor outside the bathroom, holding each other both crying, the dog trying to comfort us, but we were inconsolable, we were HEARTBROKEN!!! This was suppost to be it, this was suppost to be our chance, this was suppost to work! Why?! Why didnt it?! I had 2 eggs, 2 fucking eggs, D has sperm, it was washed, it was suppost to be better, I was healthy, I relaxed, I did everything right, I ate healthy, I didnt stress, why?! FUCKING WHY?!?! Its so unfucking fair!!! FUCK this hurts, this hearts so fucking bad!!! Fuck this world, just FUCK it!!!!!

I pull myself together enough to remember I need to call the clinic. They dont start until 8am, I dont want to talk to anyone, its 740, brill I can just leave a message, but nope...someone is in early...they answer....they were lovely, but she could hear in my voice how devastated I was. 'So what now?' I ask...'well the emryologists and consultants will get together review the notes, work out whats gone wrong and make a plan as to what/if can be done next, then call us in for a consultation, though that wont be until Feb/March' So here we go again....that aganosing wait.......

I am writing this the day after, after spending the whole day yesterday crying, I just dont know what to do with myself right now, I cant see a way forward, I know I will, but that day seems far away, I feel so dark right now, so empty....so heartbroken. And D, D, he is distraught, I cant stand seeing him cry, I cant stand seeing him heartbroken. We are the envy of most of our friends, we have the best relationship, we talk, we laugh, we are honest, but this, this is something else, I dont know what to say to him, he doesnt know what to say to me, how do we move on??? More waiting?! Though I dont know that I have it in me, I dont know that I can continue with this journey, Im sure I will, but right now I am just so heartbroken, I have never felt this numb before, this heartbroken.

ICSI Cycle #2 and IUI

So November came around....it seemed to take a while!

Though fortunately during the wait we got to celebrate my 30th Birthday with a grand trip to London staying at the Shard!!!!!!

It was certainly a welcome distraction in which we had a lot of fun ;)

Anyway.....so November......well prior to that I started the pill, though this time I only had to do 1 month on it, and didnt have as many symptoms, skin was OK, boobs were OK etc.

The next step was to have the injection to down regulate me...as Cetrotide didnt work last time, they decided to opt for 'Prostab' STAB how awful!! What an awful name! But anyway thats beside the point! So this injection was a one off IM injection in my ARSE! I had to have this mid October....so...the day came around to head to the clinic to have the injection, it was our first time back since our 'abandoned' (still hate that term!) cycle we had in August....so anxiety levels were probably running a little high, this wasnt helped by the fuckwits! So I was sent a prescription to collect the injection on the day of my appointment, I decided to turn up early in case there was a wait at pharmacy....there was no wait....however...there was an issue.....a big issue....they didnt have the drug!!!! ARGHHH?!?!!! It HAD to be done that day, it HAD to, things couldnt be delayed again, the wait has been agonising! I began getting stressed, anxious, pacing, wating, wandering...what happens now?!?! WTF?! Well after lots of phonecalls, visits to each pharmacy in the hospital, lots of waiting, eventually they decided to give me a different drug - Decopeptyl which was basically the same thing, so I was told! Why didnt they just do that in the first place?!?!?? SOOOOOOO Frustrating!!! Anyway they gave me the injection in my ARSE! Not too painful, it bled....was sent on my way to come back in November for my first scan....in the mean time the symptoms began.....the hot flushes, brain fog, irrational emotions, you name it I had it!! But hey...this is a good thing right?! Symptoms mean its working, right?!

So November came around, and I went for my first scan, all was well so they started me on the stimulation drug menopur at a dose of 150units, I was sent away and began injecting to come back in 5 days for a further scan, aiming for egg collection the following week.....nothing to be seen - possibly some very small follicles but nothing much....next scan 4 days later....2 very small follicles - but nothing much happening.....hmmmmmm am beginning to get a little worried, they tell me I'm slow, but thats OK they dont want me to grow too quick because of my OHSS risk. The next scan comes around and no change...at this point my emotions are out of control, I had a horrendous weekend....poor D he got the brunt of that one, it included me breaking down and crying on the kitchen floor for 20 minutes, and the following day punching a glass window (fortunately it didnt break!)  I was raging! Proper RAGING! Ive never experienced anything like that before, I was out of control, it was scary, it scared D! The next 3 days at work, fortunately were quiet, fortunately I was working with amazing team mates, fortunately my boss was extremely supportive, fortunately I kept my emotions under control....well on face I did!

At the next scan on the Tues, again there was no change, egg collection most definitely wasnt going to be happening this week, which in some ways, wasnt a bad thing, one of my best friends weddings was on the Friday, this meant I would be able to attend, though they wanted to scan me the Friday morning, which meant I would miss out on traveling down on the Thursday with friends, but it was OK I would get to stay until the Sun. The scan on Friday came, and guess what.....no change!!!! Whilst I was frustrated, worried, and scared of what this meant, I blocked it out.....it was my best friends wedding!! And what an amazing wedding it was, she was so happy and beautiful! And it was an incredible weekend with incredible people, another very welcome distraction in beautiful Cornwall! I held it together throughout most of the weekend, I didnt want to be 'that person' feeling sorry for themselves, its not my style, and I was genuinely so happy for my lovely friend. However the Sunday, the last day, it was almost time to broach reality, emotions came flooding back in that day and I couldnt hold it in, maybe it was this view......

So anyway...Monday came I was back home and it was back to the clinic we went....a different sonographer today, she was lovely, so thorough, and WOW what we saw on the screen.... '2 big ones' then LOTS, LOTS of little ones I mean LOTS, we all lost count! So many!! So off we went to wait in the waiting room 'fight club' (see other blog post). We sat there quite excited, so '2 big ones' they'll probably let those go, and then they'll continue and wait for the other follicles to reach a good enough size for collection, ?maybe the end of the week....those were the thoughts going through our heads! Now, having been to the clinic several times now in the past year, we have learnt to read things such as; depending on who calls you in for consultation will depend on the news we are about to receive;

• Regular nurse - good news - with simple instructions to continue
• Specialist nurse - more complicated news either good or bad
• Consultant - SHIT its bad news!!

So.....our names get called out.....and its the consultant....SHIT!!! Its going to be bad news...our stomachs in knots we head in to the room......

She talks us through the scan, stating what we saw....then the shocker....the kicker....those words again......'ABANDON'......our hearts sank, my eyes filled with tears, not again! Why?! We didnt understand. She explained our options;

1.  We could collect the 2 possible eggs that we can see, however it is highly unlikely that we would have success from just 2 follicles and there is no guarantee the eggs would be of any quality, this would also then use up our 1 free shot on the NHS.
2. Completely abandon this  cycle and start again when I have recovered.
3. We try IUI.....but theres a catch...our NHS trust wont fund it and we would have to pay £1k, there is a less than 10% chance of it working, and we have to decide NOW!!

So we pop out for 10 mins discuss our options....lots of thoughts running through our heads....where do we get the money?? Thats easy - credit card. But its alot of money...but it could be the best £1k we've ever spent! We decided, some chance is better than no chance! So we went back in and said we would go for it!

I took the trigger shot that night, emotions still all over the place, dissapointed and angry that ICSI hadnt worked, scared and anxious that IUI also might not, but also excited that we have a chance!

So Wednesday came around, I have never seen D so anxious, he was pacing, couldnt talk to me, didnt want me to talk to him, I didnt know what to say, what to do, I tried to help by making jokes etc, but it was making it worse! Off he went 'to do his thing' minutes seemed like hours, whilst I was waiting, what a weird waiting room that was! I sat there not knowing what to do, what to think, holding my crystals given to me by a spirutal friend, which in that moment did give me some comfort. He was back!! With the biggest smile on his face! He was so relieved in more ways than one! So now we wait again, we wait whilst they wash his sperm, 90 mins go by, and then it is my turn.....I wont bore you with those details...it happened, they did what they needed to do, I had the IUI procedure.

We went home to begin our 'two week wait' it hasnt been to bad, I had a few days off work, and rested, I actually did rest! I couldnt do any other, I felt awful, so tired and nauseous. Ive had a lot of symptoms during these 2 weeks, sore boobs, increased awareness of smell, bloating, cramping, nausea, tiredness you name it! However I am also taking progesterone (thats ermmmmmm fun!) which gives you the same symptoms as pregnancy, as if this whole journey isnt head fuckable enough, something is thrown in to fuck with it! On the positive side however, I have been much more emotionally stable, so I can only presume that the menopur was giving me the horrendous mood swings!

So anyway I am ending this post on the 7th December, ending my night shift about to go home to test...........