A Little Hurdle and Some Fuckwits

So Wed 27th Sept, the day I was suppose to go up to the clinic for a routine scan for them to look at my endometrium lining and tell me all is well and going as planned and on schedule for FET next week. Well why did I think that?!? WTF?!? Now come on who are we kidding here! We all know my body isn't like that, my body is an asshole and likes to play tricks on me, and nothing is ever that straight forward for me and D, just nothing! One of my friends said that to me a while ago, nothing is ever just straight forward for me....nothing! Moving house - No, getting married - No, going to uni - No, just your general having stable loving caring parents - ermmmmm big fat NO!!!! Why?! Oh hell I don't know, if you find out please do enlighten me!!

So anyways Im getting off track, that happens......a lot...especially with all these damn drugs messing with me! So what happened today......

Well I'lll start at the beginning, or should I say I suppose I should start at the beginning of this week, or maybe even where I left off with my last blog....

So the past week, the past week has been dark, maybe its the drugs???? Maybe its everything thats going on ??? Maybe Im just not as strong as I used to be, as I'd like to be....who knows?? All I know is Im struggling, this past week has been hard, I've had more down days than up, more bad days than good, and poor D has been ill, he's had 'man flu' and bless him he has received little sympathy from me :o But you know what? times like these really show you your true friends, and finding a silver lining, I'm fortunate to have many, and actually a few who I hadn't expected to care as much as they do have really rallied, theres still a few who don't/can't comprehend how difficult things are, but I'm learning to come to terms with that, thats OK, they might have their own stuff to be dealing with, they might not, but its OK, I have a few that I know I can really count on, who are really there. Though there are some that really do have a lot of their own shit to be dealing with, like K one of my bffs, she has a whole heap of big shit going on, but she's one of those who is there in a heartbeat. Even unexpectedly, funny story.....on Monday I went for a little walk to 'see the sea' and find one of my friends mum (she passed away) bench, something I do when Im feeling a little down, and as I was walking up to the bench, just as I was about to burst into tears for no reason, I hear 'Jen......Jenny......Jen' I look around no one to be seen, and feel something in my pocket, get my phone out, only to see Ks face! 'Are u ok??' she asked 'whats up?' 'ermmmmm...well not really...but don't worry' I reply, and a little puzzled I asked ' hang on did you just FaceTime me or I u?' 'You bum called me Jen', K said laughing, now how funny is that? She wasn't even the last person I called, but my God was I grateful to speak to her in that moment!

And my sister too, she's been fantastic, I was suppose to have dinner with some friends on the wed evening, but I just couldn't, I couldn't face going out, the weather was terrible too and Im sure that has an impact. But the next day my sister wouldn't take no for an answer, and came and took me out for a few hours for a 'sisters day' something we hadn't done for a while, and it was just so nice, so nice to spend some quality time with her, we sat and had a lovely seafood lunch overlooking the water.....

The place we went seemed to have a lot of cute baby clothes shops, we for obvious reasons didn't enter any, but being the positive lovely little ray of sunshine that she is, she stated boldly that WHEN I am pregnant, which WILL be during the spring, she will bring me down and we will go baby clothes shopping. She was so excited for this, she also informed me that she had also decided she was having the child at least 2 full days a month, to which I had no choice, haha!! It then hit me a little, that actually this journey is not just about me and D, theres actually other people in our lives who it effects, like my sister who just so desperately wants a little niece or nephew that she can affectionately spoil! She has also recently got married, and whilst she's saying she's not, I think she is delaying TTC herself as she wants me to be first, how thoughtful but very unfair on her is that?!

So anyway not only have I been experiencing these emotional side effects, I have also been having physical ones, I am so fatigued it is unreal, I am sleeping a lot, I go to bed abut 10, wake up at 7 to inject then go back to bed until at least approx 9, then throughout the day I have no energy, zilch, I just don't want to do anything, poor D has been doing everything, which frustrates me, I am a bit of a neat freak and a perfectionist, he is not! But bless him he has been doing his best, and has been ill himself! On Saturday eve, I had the most horrendous palpitations, they lasted for about 2 hours, I felt sick and dizzy too, my resting heart rate varied from 38bpm -113bpm!!!! Im not usually one to complain about my symptoms or to tell anyone, it may seem like I do on the blog and twitter, but thats my 'safe place,' and in real life I often 'just get on with it' but I was actually feeling a little scared, and almost called the clinics OOH number, but I didn't, I went to bed and it stopped. Ive had the odd flutter since, but not lasting more than about 20-30secs, so thats not too concerning, am still unsure what that was all about on sat?

My anxiety levels have also been high which may have contributed to Saturday evenings events??? This again is unusual for me, I am not usually an anxious person, I worry about things, but inwardly and don't usually show it, and am able to rationalise, however recently, I haven't, I am blaming the buserelin.

So anyway Monday came around, and I decided to go visit my GP, and she was actually fantastic. I was a little worried, she would tell me to 'MTFU' and get on with it, but to my surprise she was actually quite concerned about me, and also surprised that I hadn't been to see her before to be signed off. She had no hesitation in signing me off, and even asked me how long I wanted!! I wasn't expecting that! I felt it would be good to not have to have the stress of work during the 2ww, to which she agreed, and actually suggested another few days after. She also reassuringly advised that if I needed longer that wouldn't be an issue, and offered her support at anytime should I need it. I haven't had a great experience with GPs in the past, but since moving house last year we had to change surgeries, and it is reassuring to know that at least we now have a decent GP!

So now lets move on to today.....

First off the sonographer, my goodness she just gets worse, her bedside manner really is disgraceful, again the window and blind was open, I made a point of pulling it down myself! Attempting to make conversation she asked in her screechy irritating voice 'so are you working today?' 'No' I replied, 'Ive been signed off' 'Oh' was all she said, then she continued with her job, shoving the wand up my fanjita, no more small talk, just another 'oh' 'you're only 5mm' 'is that bad?' I replied, 'well it needs to be at least 8mm.' Go back in the waiting room, and nurse J will come speak to you, oh great we were thinking, thats the twatty nurse, who again has no compassion! And another thing which really irritates me with the sonongrapher and her lack of dignity, is she never gives you anything to wipe your foo when you've finished! How gross is that?! So I have now mastered the art of pulling my underwear up just enough to not be noticeable, but not quite so far that I then feel like I have pissed myself, whilst I then walk in a way to not let the lube trickle down, just enough to cross the corridor and sort myself out in the loo!

We then go and sit back in the waiting room, and await nurse J, to be greeted with 'allreet' (thats how she talks) 'well actually Im not so good' and there was a hint of some concern in her face, just for a split second I thought, 'oh whys that?' 'well Ive been very emotional and been signed off for a week' she then proceeded to, get this.....u won't believe it...someone who works in infertility....a nurse....someone who should be compassionate and at least professional.....she sat back in her chair, and rolled her eyes, she rolled her fucking eyes! How fucking rude! And how uncaring!! We were disgusted, and a little shocked, she then just went into robot mode as she so often does, and told me I just need to continue taking what Im taking, and come back for another scan on Monday. I asked when the FET will be, 'will it still be next Wed??' 'No she said, maybe Friday or even the weekend? It will be when it will be.' And that of course is fine, but I do not know unless they fucking tell me!! Its no wander people google things! I asked her if theres anything I can do to help? What can I eat etc? 'Oh nothing.....just don't stress' don't stress, don't fucking stress!!!! Is this woman for real?!?! Of all the people in the world, you would at least expect the people working at the clinic to understand what you are going through, but my God they seem to be the worst at the moment!! So anyway we left feeling furious, unsupported, and disappointed. When I spoke to my boss to tell her I was signed of she was a little concerned over my symptoms, and knowing what Im like told me I must tell the clinic, but how can I? How can I when these are the people I see!!! Now I seem like I really hate my clinic, and for the majority of the time I do, but there are a couple of good nurses there, but I never seem to see them!

Thank goodness for the infertility community on twitter, I have been told that actually there are things you can do, raspberry leaf tea, pomegranate juice, and warm compress, so I am now off to the shops! Also acupuncture, I love my Chinese acupuncturist, she has been so helpful, and I really think improved things on my EC cycle, however she is currently in China! Maybe thats also why Im feeling so crap, its been 2 weeks now without a treatment, she returns next Wed and I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so role on next week!!

If anyone has any other tips on how to increase my womb lining please do let me know, so for now......

FET Cycle Meltdown #1

Wow no blog for 3 months and then 2 blogs in less than a wk! Ive said all along there will be no schedule with these blogs, and looks like I meant that! Lol!

Well I guess now we're finally on the FET cycle and not in that dreaded limbo land for a change, I feel as though I want to blog, the 'baby stuff' as I so often call all this shit, is very much at the fore front of my mind. Not that it never is, its always there, it never goes away, its just when you are going through a cycle it is slap bang right there in your face!

So whats led me to blog today, well several things, Ive just got back from the clinic after scan #1 which led to meltdown #1, saw some lovely friends yesterday and also listened to an interesting podcast, so where to start.....well I'll think I'll go with the podcast.....

So one of my bffs 'K' (@journeyttc) has introduced me to podcasts, she is at the very beginning of the bullshit journey that is infertility, and Im hoping and praying that she doesn't have the same journey as me! She is very much like me in that she needs to know everything about everything, knowledge is power, or is it?? Sometimes I think the more you know the worse that can be! D is very much in the camp of 'just going with it' and entrusting the HCPs, whereas I need to know absolutely everything and do my own research, K is the same. From the very beginning, google has been my friend, now I am reasonably well educated and know all to well that often google cannot be trusted, but as long as you look at reasonable sources I think it is OK. I have also found much comfort, advice and knowledge from reading other blogs and most certainly the twitter community. However I have never thought about podcasts not until K mentioned it, now the podcast we have been listening to is 'the fertility podcast' http://www.thefertilitypodcast.com (@fertilitypoddy) she is a british lady who had a successful ICSI cycle. I have only listened to a few so far, but have found them really helpful, she talks to people who have experienced infertility, and also HCPs.

So yesterday I had about an hours drive to go and meet some friends, on the way there I listened to 'Episode 79: Poor sperm doesn't have to lead straight to fertility treatment' and wow this hit home, Natalie and her husband, talked about how they had been sent straight for ICSI without her husband being examined. Now this happened with us too, all they did with D as with Natalies husband was semen analysis, which rendered poor results, but no investigations as to why. Our situation was slightly different as I have my own issues, PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube, however I think Im right in saying Natalie had no issues (Im not 100% on that). However the point is, why do they not investigate men? Surely it would be cheaper if they found a urological problem, or a varices? Which would be easily treatable, especially if there were no or minimal issues with the woman?! I do remember thinking this was a little odd, and after of course doing my own research (seems to be a hobby of mine lately!) I became quite concerned that D had never been examined or further tests done, and we did ask at one of our appointments, to then be fobbed off, I can't remember exactly what we were told, but I think it was something like with my issues alone ICSI would be the way forward, but surely he should still be investigated?! We didn't push it, but after listening to the podcast and the joke that was todays appointment we may well take it further in the future!

So anyway moving on.....

The friends that I met yesterday were some old uni friends, and my God was it good to see them! Some I hadn't seen in 4 years! We have all gone in quite different directions, but you know what, I was a little late, and OMG the welcome I received was overwhelming, it really was just what I needed, with the awful feeling in work lately, it was was reassuring and warming to meet up with a bunch of people, who respect and cherish me, to make me feel that I actually am a good person, and to feel loved and supported. I hadn't told them previously about the 'baby stuff' however yesterday I divulged, and was greeted with so much support and love it was just amazing. Turns out one of the girls also had IVF....about 20 years ago mind, but she still knows what it feels like. And another of the girls actually set up a surrogate charity, and was a surrogate herself! Made me feel very fortunate to have such lovely people in my life, and to forget those that have been causing me grief lately, and to focus more on those that I may have lost touch with, but those who truly care!

So now that leads me today, so thinking about the podcast and then not fully remembering what was said about D not being investigated, I thought it might be a good idea to start blogging after appointments. So today was the first scan of the FET cycle, now AF arrived last night so that added to the pleasantness! As if it isn't undignified enough! Now have I told you guys about the sonographer C before??? Well she really is a treat! She has the most scratchiest, high pitched irritating voice, you know, the one that cuts right through you! Her technique is pretty good, in that she is the least painful out of all the sonographers, but her bedside manner really is something to be desired! She had the window wide open, and being a chilly september morning, I felt as though my fanjita was gonna get frostbitten! Not only that, there were work men outside who Im sure couldn't see, but it felt very much like they might have! I have also learnt in my vast experience of having non fun things shoved up my fanjita to wear a dress as C doesn't ever feel it is necessary to give you a modesty blanket when you bare all! Anyway enough about her, the good news is the scan showed everything as 'normal' well I guess that must be 'normal for me!' Then on to the embryologist, who wanted to discuss how many we wanted to thaw, we have 15 frozen, so she suggested 5, which we had also decided on. I think I also mentioned before we had decided on 2 being implanted, however she looked at us with much surprise and told us, that they would only put 1 in me as I was too high risk, and also that would be silly as if it didn't work (she implied our chances are low) then we would have lost our NHS funding! She asked who had told us 2, to which we stated one of the consultants....she seemed pretty annoyed! Im pretty sure she was also the consultant who fobbed us off about D not being investigated, and also pushed us to have IUI (or the expensive wank as we now affectionately call it!)

So after that bombshell from the embryologist, we were seen by nurse J, she's the twatty nurse who scared D before. Well I say we saw her, blink and you would have missed her, she was there all of about 10 seconds, told me to start taking oestrogen pills today, and back next Wed for another scan, no symptom check, no chat to see how we are, nothing, we were just another item on that conveyor belt to her, well thats very much how it felt.

So we left the appointment, D went off back to work, I don't think things had sunk in for him, or he wasn't showing that they had, but they had for me, or is it just the buserelin magnifying things?? I really don't know, all I know is, I got straight in the car and cried all the way to my sisters house, and cried in her arms for a good 10 mins! We'll call that meltdown #1 thanks buserelin - you bitch!!!

Preparing for FET

So here we go again!!!!!

This time for a FET cycle, not to sure what to expect here?!? But so fricking pleased the last few months are over, and the wait is finally over, and we can finally get started again!

So whats been going on since the last blog.....

Well quite a lot!

My sister got married, not undergoing treatment and not being on any drugs was so fricking nice! It was nice to be 'normal' to be able to let my hair down, be able to relax, be able to drink! Have fun! It was such a fantastic day, I can honestly say, after my own wedding of course, it truly was one of the best days of my life! It melted my heart to see my sister so happy and to have her fairytale, which she so truly deserved, and to see my husband give her away was just magical :) My sister whilst younger than me, is my idol, she is my best friend, the person I admire and look up to, she truly is an incredible person who deserves the world, we have been through such an awful lot of shit together, it made me so happy to see her so happy! There was a niggling thing in the back of my mind though, that there was someone missing or even a few people.....our children :( Its been almost four years since we started this fertility journey, if things had gone to plan, if things had been normal, we would have had our child and most probably more in that time frame, who should have been there. That sucked. That really sucked to realise that, but it was a passing thought, this was a positive happy day, I wasnt going to let, would could have been, should have been, spoil it.

In other news whilst I have been off the drugs, my hormones and emotions have felt out of control. I have felt sadder these past few months, than I did whilst undergoing treatment in May, why? Who knows? Maybe its that realisation of what we are going through? what we dont have? The agonising wait? Maybe also some other environmental factors which aren't baby related. My Mum who is only 58 and has bi-polar is awaiting a formal diagnosis of dementia. She has always been a big burden, and someone me and my sister have always had to consider in any decisions we make, someone we have always had to give an awful lot of time and responsibility to, but not received much back, every time I think about this and speak about my Mum in this way, I am overcome with guilt, for having negative feelings towards my mum, which comes with a whole world of head fuckingness. And people again don't understand it, they don't understand mental illness, just as people don't understand infertility. And Dementia, that comes with a whole new world of pain, disappointment and heartache, this is it now, the hope is lost, there is no hope of her getting 'better' dementia is de-generative condition, she is only going to get worse, she is only going to suffer, and me and my sister are going to have to be there to help pick up the pieces, and again as always be the parent to our parent.

Also work life has been awful, it has not been a nice place to be, it used to be my escape, the place where I was respected, where I was good at what I do, and people looked up to me. But the politics have been horrendous, and if I'm honest, I have felt severely let down, victimised and bullied. I wont go in to all that now, as don't want to be unprofessional, but as this blog is a way for myself to document this journey, I just want to remind my future self of how I am feeling right now, and how unhelpful and unkind a few people and most definitely a certain person has been at a time in my life when this really could be avoided, it is unnecessary and cruel.

But anyway, I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I guess it is good to get some of these awful feelings out, as I have said before I am terrible at talking, so blogging is a good vent for me, I really should do it more!!

So where am I currently, well yesterday I did my first injection of buserelin, Monday I have my first scan and should start oestrogen pills, and fingers crossed I will go for FET on the 4th oct, 4 days before my 31st birthday. Now there's a depressing thought, I really thought that by my early 30s I would have a little family around me, not be childless and pumped full of drugs! We have decided to go for 2 frosties being implanted, to give ourselves the best chance. This does mean that if this doesn't work it is game over on the NHS. But we are trying not to think like that, we are going to do everything in our power to make sure this does work, I am going to stock up on pineapple, brazil nuts, soups, pomegranate juice etc! Am also going to go sick at work for as long as needed this time, I am going to rest, relax, and distance myself from stress causing people, each time going through treatment, I have almost put work first, I have been far to loyal to that place, and have had little thanks and respect in return, so I am going to be a little selfish and take the time that I need and this emby need!

On a positive note, me and D are stronger than ever, that man truly is my hero! He is so patient, caring and giving, he really is incredible! This journey would be impossible without his kindness and support.

So anyway, here goes.......please let me know in the comments on here or twitter, any advice or tips during FET and particularity the 2ww.