Heartbreak

So yesterday we ended our 'two week wait' following our IUI procedure (see previous post).

I finished a nightshift, and drove home, I live less than 10 mins from work, but my goodness that drive felt like hours!! My stomach was in knots, my heart in my mouth, I am not religious, but maybe theres something out there?! Who knows, I wasnt taking any chances, so I prayed the whole way home! I parked on the drive, and bursting for a wee (I'd not Pu'd for approx 5 hours!!) burst into the door, ran up the stairs closely followed by D and the dog!

I pee'd on the stick (a basic one, from my amazon bulk buy!) (just half a wee in case I need to retest!) and began the timer.....'STOP looking at it', D begs, as I sit there fixated and watching, hoping, praying for that second line...'how long has it been' desperation in my voice, '1 min' wow those 5 mins go by sooooooo damn slowly.....finally 5 mins are up, and we both look in desperation.....OMG I think I see something, its faint....could it be just a crease in the window...could it be a shadow...could it be a POSITIVE!?!?!? Some hope!! D's not convinced, but wanting to be extra sure, I rip open the digital one, the one we've been saving, the one that is suppost to give us that BFP!! So again I pee on the stick, again those mins go so damn slow, we both sit there holding each other, hoping, my hopes raised, watching that little timer...then...then those words...'NOT PREGNANT'

WOW another train just hit, those fuckers just keep coming, though this time, how do we move ourselves off those tracks?!?! I howl....tears streaming down my face, snot all over Ds jumper, we sat there on the floor outside the bathroom, holding each other both crying, the dog trying to comfort us, but we were inconsolable, we were HEARTBROKEN!!! This was suppost to be it, this was suppost to be our chance, this was suppost to work! Why?! Why didnt it?! I had 2 eggs, 2 fucking eggs, D has sperm, it was washed, it was suppost to be better, I was healthy, I relaxed, I did everything right, I ate healthy, I didnt stress, why?! FUCKING WHY?!?! Its so unfucking fair!!! FUCK this hurts, this hearts so fucking bad!!! Fuck this world, just FUCK it!!!!!

I pull myself together enough to remember I need to call the clinic. They dont start until 8am, I dont want to talk to anyone, its 740, brill I can just leave a message, but nope...someone is in early...they answer....they were lovely, but she could hear in my voice how devastated I was. 'So what now?' I ask...'well the emryologists and consultants will get together review the notes, work out whats gone wrong and make a plan as to what/if can be done next, then call us in for a consultation, though that wont be until Feb/March' So here we go again....that aganosing wait.......

I am writing this the day after, after spending the whole day yesterday crying, I just dont know what to do with myself right now, I cant see a way forward, I know I will, but that day seems far away, I feel so dark right now, so empty....so heartbroken. And D, D, he is distraught, I cant stand seeing him cry, I cant stand seeing him heartbroken. We are the envy of most of our friends, we have the best relationship, we talk, we laugh, we are honest, but this, this is something else, I dont know what to say to him, he doesnt know what to say to me, how do we move on??? More waiting?! Though I dont know that I have it in me, I dont know that I can continue with this journey, Im sure I will, but right now I am just so heartbroken, I have never felt this numb before, this heartbroken.